Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness

Thanks for all the supportive comments lately. Everyone's been so nice. I haven't replied. I haven't started on the complaint yet. I haven't finished either of these things though I have done my best to make some progress on them but neither is anywhere near done yet.

It can't be a good sign that I'm so desperate for anything to go well that I walked onwards to work feeling noticeably better just after I'd gone to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Even with this taking a month of hoop-jumping and gatekeeping and bad genderfeels that I couldn't help thinking about today. It's still such a relief just...to have a task I know how to do and that has a tangible endpoint. That feels like such a luxury right now.

Today was harder because Gary's usual amount of stomach illness continued an unusual amount of time, into the night. He was a good boy but he was clearly restless, unable to get comfortable. Not helped by him not having had his regular painkillers yesterday, because we couldn't get him to eat anything. He first woke me up before four, and after one unsuccessful attempt to get back upstairs, I just grabbed a blanket and lay miserably on the sofa, nauseous with sleep deprivation, until Gary calmed down enough that I could doze off. I woke up after an hour, hour and a half, when my phone rang. It was just enough sleep to nudge me over the line from nauseous to "I think I'm fine because I don't feel tired but I know I'm not fine because I'm still too tired to feel tired."

That didn't last though; I've been back at struggling-to-function most of the day. I only have three days left of this job though and we are on a PIP deadline so there was no chance of me staying home. I got through work and doing chores when I got home (went to the tip, walked Gary (who's been doing much better today), helped make stir-fry). I talked to Stuart three or four times; he's having a tough day including some urgent money stress and a small car accident! Which he says he's fine after, and I didn't feel like I'd be any use to him if I tried to impose myself on him further so I am taking his word for it.

What a day.

So much more to do tomorrow, and the next day, too.

I keep being surprised by how exhausting I found today, but it really shouldn't be that surprising.

I slept awfully, again, I was awake half the night and had weird dreams when I did sleep.

I spent hours at the hospital with Stuart, waiting mostly in a room with a big TV blaring daytime talk shows at us. We sat down just in time to hear some TERF talking points, ( one of which is presented here with my frustrated reaction )

So that sucked, and everything about it being daytime TV was hard on Stuart: he takes the horribleness of the ads personally (especially the music they use) and the banality of (most of) the chat show content was distressing to him, like "new fashions in spring trainers." The TV was noisy and made it difficult for him to concentrate on conversation or whether he was being called by the receptionists.

I understand wanting some white noise to cover the confidential information being given at the reception desk, but they could just put the radio on or something. Stuart said when he was in this section of the hospital the other day, they had Radio 1 on. That doesn't even have ads! So that'd be a good start.

After we'd been waiting a little while, a staff member came around with surgical masks and told me I had to swap mine for one of those. I had one of my FFP2s on, which I know damn well is a lot better, and I really didn't want to take it off. I put the surgical mask over it and hoped no one would notice/yell at me. If anyone did notice, they didn't say a word.

I heard the same staff member later say the same thing to others in the waiting room: "you can't wear outside masks here," but that makes no sense! Making people with no masks or cloth masks swap for a surgical mask makes sense, because they're better than those. But my mask being from "outside" doesn't actually make it bad?

I was fretting in the back of my mind the whole time it was there that I might have to fight about this or take it off. So that sucked even though it ended up being fine, because I didn't know it would stay fine until we had left.

And then we had an extremely brief and extremely unsatisfying encounter with a doctor where I'm very glad I was there to help advocate for Stuart because even with the two of us it was nearly impossible to get his basic needs met. No one likes the feeling of not being listened to, but it's a particular sensitivity for Stuart (and a lot of autistic people I know; like Andrew says, it's a communication disorder, so I think a ton of autistic people have particular trauma around that, very understandably so), and this guy was really not listening and I was really angry on Stuart's behalf.

It took me a while to get home from that but when I did we were having a glorious sunny spell so I really wanted to get out for a bike ride and I'm so glad I did. Back tire (both tires really) pumped up thanks to diffrentcolours's new tiny air compressor, and off we went to look at good dogs in the park. We'd have gone further but everything was still so muddy from the endless rain that a lot of places were practically impassable.

When we got back I made banana blueberry muffins to use up some old bananas (and I've been letting the veg box blueberries pile up, which is not like me!). It was a lot of fun but left me exhausted for the rest of the day, I couldn't even make dinner. Oops. Luckily diffrentcolours could make it tonight, we had kievs and rice.

For years, including the one before we started dating again, Stuart has sent me a card on Valentine's Day (the one before we started dating just said something friendly/flirty, it was nice and not weird).

I have otherwise dated/been married to people who were either indifferent to Valentine's Day or actively against it. I've been fine with that, but I'm fine with celebrating it too. It's not like Stuart and I did anything else for the day, he just got me a card.

And I...never got him one, because I always forgot. Because Valentine's Day has just never been on my personal wheel-of-the-year. And he always assured me that he didn't mind not getting a card, and I believe him, but still it is nice to reciprocate sometimes and it's fun to have an excuse sometimes to do things that yes you could also do any other day.

This year, I was so proud of myself, I ordered him a card online so early that I got to choose when it would be sent out. It's one where you can add a photo so it has a cute photo of us taken at K & M's wedding a few years ago. I was so impressed with myself.

He turned up today, surprisingly (he meant to surprise me by turning up but it turned out he surprised me by calling to say his car had broken down and he was waiting for the AA but after that would I be home?), and gave me a present. "Thank you for the card," he said. "I didn't get you a card, I got you this," and waved a cardboard package at me. The present turned out to be a red t-shirt that says "This shirt is blue if you run fast enough." He keeps buying me these science-y t-shirts, it makes me laugh.

But yeah, I teased him that the one time I actually got around to sending him a card, he had to go and get me a present!

I used to mock my brother for wrapping presents on Christmas morning. But I channeled him today, doing just that despite having had mother_bones's present for months now.

And then when we exchanged presents I used one of the ones I got from her (the world's cutest knitting bag, which is not only adorable -- it has llamas on it! -- but has so many useful pockets that I'm sorely tempted to just use it as a regular handbag!) to remind myself that I never had sewn up the hat I'd knitted for diffrentcolours so I did that. He wasn't downstairs yet so I wrapped it up for him even though he knew about its existence already and he should've had it a couple months ago.

I knitted him a hat because for years he's been saying he can't get one that fits his big head. So I really wanted to make sure it wouldn't be too small. After I sewed it up I tried it on myself and...it covers my whole head, down to the level of my mouth.

He tried it on and it fits him fine. It did look cute in the selfie he took of it and his presents from mother_bones, a lovely drawing of the Whalebone Arch in Whitby, and a t-shirt with a cute cartoon of a smiling cupcake and pink bubble letters saying "Tres Butch" (perfect for our pretty princess!).

We put a YouTube feed of the James Webb Space Telescope launch on TV, what a cool thing to see. I've been so excited about it for such a long time. It had been scheduled to launch on my birthday for a while, and that would've been a great present for a space nerd like me. But this was a great present for a lot of people.

I helped assemble a late lunch of cheeseboard and associated crackers, fruit, salad, etc. and just as I sat down to it I saw an email from my mom asking if I wanted to Skype. It was only 9am their time and I wasn't expecting to hear from them until much later but clearly they were used to Christmas mornings with me and they missed that. So I got to talk to them in their pajamas and it was just the best.

mother_bones said "we have so many bananas, I might have to ask you to bake banana nut muffins." She added "If you can summon the spoons to, of course!" but I was like "Do you know how much work it is for me not to bake a lot this time of year?!" I was delighted. I immediately had two recipes in mind.

It was all I could do yesterday not to make the coffee cake my mom often does on Christmas Eve. I only didn't because we have so many sweets in the house already and we go through them so slowly.

Me and diffrentcolours made Jack Monroe's vegan banana superpower muffins. It's so fun to bake with somebody. He did all the measuring things by weight which I hate, and grated the chocolate more thoroughly than I would have! I had Radio 1 on and I was enjoying the Christmas tunes (one of which was "Last Christmas," reminding me I haven't gotten around to writing up my hot take on how awful a game Whamageddon is).

And the recipe is gluten-free, so suitable for Stuart who turned up just in time for dinner. I was literally opening the oven to check everything looked ready to be taken out when I heard a weird noise...not so much like a knock on the door as something skamming into it. And we have a doorbell... diffrentcolours and I looked at each other and said "was that a knock at the door?" and so I put down my oven glove to go check. It was Stuart, arms full of cards and bottles of alcohol, and when I had the door open he bellowed "I am the Brian Blessed of Christmas Future!" I think it was Future he said anyway. I might have been laughing by that point. And Gary started barking, which made Stuart immediately feel bad but it was hilarious and not his fault. Gary would have no chill around Brian Blessed either, so full points for verisimilitude.

Dinner was mostly vegetarian, mostly gluten-free, mostly British but with midwestern scalloped corn. We also had balsamic-glazed sprouts with bacon, sweet potato/broccoli/cranberry parcels, veggie pigs in blankets (the first ones I've ever been able to eat!), turkey roast with gluten-free stuffing, roast potatoes with rosemary, nut roast with a melty cheese center, red cabbage, and gluten-free gravy. It was really lovely being able to offer Stuart a choice of dessert: the banana muffins or gluten-free mince pies that mother_bones and diffrentcolours picked up at Aldi yesterday. The rest of us had profiteroles for dessert.

And now the rest of them are watching Rare Exports, a comedy so dark it can only be Finnish. I feel kinda bad for lying in another room during the cozy post-dinner movie-watching part of the evening, especially when Stuart had just turned up, I'm really happy to see him. But I'm so overwhelmed; maybe from making dinner, maybe from a subtitled move (though I've seen it before).

And! Unlike every Christmas of my life until the last one, I do not have to do things that are tiring and difficult for me. I think it'd take me many more Christmases to get used to that strange concept.

He's said so himself enough that I don't feel bad about saying here that, to probably no one's surprise in these quarantimes, the person I've been to the hospital with is Stuart. I'm even his next of kin now! Relationship milestones, eh.

He has been admitted for a recurring problem that has, as these things do, gotten worse. I'm not glad that's happened but since the thing (it's gastrointestinal so no one wants any details) has been getting worse I've been really worried about him and I'm glad he's being looked after.

So today before work I went over to make sure his cat had food and water, take out the garbage and do dishes so nothing would get smelly, etc.

Doing a triangle between his place and work made for a lot of walking (the last time I got a bus I was the only person on it wearing a mask so I don't want to do that again if I can help it! but also the buses aren't that useful in the directions I was traveling, I probably would've had to walk anyway), and a little bit of getting lost and being late because of course everything took longer than I'd budgeted time for made it extra tiring and stressful.

Luckily L was really chill about me being late and unfortunately but handily for me he was just as exhausted. I got spare keys cut after work (including strangely specific but apparently genuine compliments on my hair from the guy doing the key-cutting, who really likes the sideburns cut into my hair) and got an answer from Stuart on whether I'd overlooked the cat litter or whether I needed to buy more.

Not being much of a cat person, I was proud of myself that I thought to ask "Is there a particular brand I should get? With you being gone I'm sure she's disrupted enough already, we don't want to give her any more reasons to do a dirty protest." Stuart confirmed that she absolutely would poop everywhere if I didn't get the right kind and told me what it was, heh.

So finding some is tomorrow's job, and maybe I'll help finish up the furniture-move he was in the middle of (swapping his living room and bedroom) when he was so rudely interrupted.

Totally exhausted again. I slept for eight hours but I still had terrible headache. I did good stuff today though, helping Stuart move furniture (he's swapping his bedroom and living room around in his flat) and getting my prescription from the pharmacy before I even ran out of the old one!

Time for a question.

11. What is your favorite yogurt topping?

Blueberries, cinnamon and maple syrup. On Greek yogurt.

I'll probably have it for breakfast tomorrow. I should've today, the blueberries need using, but I really fancied my (veggie) bacon and eggs this morning.

A friend messaged me this morning to say she was thinking of me today. If I hadn't just looked at my FB memories I would've been confused by this. I'd managed not to notice, however briefly, the date. I thanked her and mused about how much better I felt than I usually do on this date. It surprised me and I didn't have an explanation for it. Maybe it'd make more sense after I had my coffee, I thought at the time. But I still don't think I totally have a handle on it.

"So today," I said to mother_bones in an early break in conversation this morning, "is sixteen years since my brother died. And..." I had wanted to say that but I didn't know what I was going to say next. I'd just said the "and" out of my nervous-talking tendency really, just to fill up the space. "I feel okay, actually," I finished.

It kind of surprised me to hear myself say that. I did my best to check in with myself, whether I was just saying that because I always try to be okay or pretend I'm okay. But as far as I can tell -- which might not be very far -- I was. My legs were sore, as if days' worth of delayed-onset-muscle-soreness had turned up all at once. I was glad I had a meeting later instead of work. I was disappointed that the sky was overcast after the brighter few days we'd had lately. I'd dragged myself out of bed relatively early to let Gary out and I'd done my morning chores and fixed myself granola with blueberries for breakfast. I did in fact feel pretty okay!

"And I think that's because of you and diffrentcolours," i told her. Because for all I can feel that this day sucks, I also feel like I have a better infrastructure. Yesterday I posted a photo on Facebook of Gary and I watching that Bruce Springsteen thing and nobody commented on that but several people wanted to tell me how much they liked the room: the plants, the curtains, the dog-management system, how cozy it looked. And it is! It's so great! I know these two share a desire to make their homes welcoming to guests or waifs and strays, and having felt like both over a handful of places they've lived I can attest that they've always been successful in that.

And those things, the twinkly lights and nice curtains and plants everywhere and all of that, are just the physical manifestation of the logistical and emotional infrastructure I feel like I am benefiting from so much now. Because while Andrew was always incredibly (almost too intensely) kind and thoughtful and patient and indulgent towards me this time of year and this day especially, my life with him lacked these underpinnings. It's not that I need the middle-class accouterments to feel good, just that external chaos mirrored internal chaos. My memories feel cold and dark because I was often actually cold. I felt adrift and that's a tough thing to feel in such a lonely situation as to be your parents' only living child after an experience that few people have now had by their early 20s.

When I tried to explain this to Stuart on the phone this evening (he's taken to calling me for a few minutes almost every evening, it's replacing the kind of chat I'd have with most other people in text through the day but it's so nice to hear his voice), he said maybe it helped to have put some distance between myself and something that had been so connected to the situation. Because it was; I can't think of the funeral without thinking of the wedding, less than two months later.

Tonight diffrentcolours very sweetly offered me extra cuddles tonight and asked if there was anything they could do for me today but I couldn't think of anything. I wouldn't disrupt the routine of where he sleeps for such a normal day as this. I realized I didn't need anything special today, because they had both already done so much before today.

"I only made chicken and sweet potato fries for dinner, not very inspiring but I'm feeling rubbish," I told mother_bones and she said "Darling. It's fine. I'm amazed you managed anything at all." I looked at her confused: why would she be, I hadn't even told her about my headache! Then I realized that she didn't think that's what I meant about feeling rubbish. But that's all it was. Just normal stuff that could happen any day of the year.

I spent some time this morning looking at the photos I posted here soon after he died, carefully scanned in and blessedly still with me thanks to the internet. I told my social media friends about that post and people have said kind things but I don't have anything I need to say or anything I need to hear. I just like the idea of people looking at the photos and knowing something about my brother.

I got to see Stuart today! Only (almost) a week after his birthday, which I was woefully unprepared for by having had one of the worst weeks I've had in a while.

He had a "birthday and Christmas" present for me though: a t-shirt that says "This top happily existed in all possible states before you observed it. Now it has collapsed into a single state. I hope you're satisfied." It has one of those bowling ball on a rubber sheet illustrations you always get to explain how gravity works. (Which is nothing to do with what the text is about but looks Quantum.)

It made me laugh but then Stuart told me "When I saw this, I heard it in your voice," which made me laugh more but in an alarmed way. Or maybe just surprised. Its very mean for me!

I think it's great that we observers have an effect on the universe! I'm delighted that you're here, reading these words and collapsing these waveforms right now.

10. If you had no work or other obligations tomorrow I would...

Heh, I actually do have no work and no particular obligations tomorrow (except in the way I'm always obliged to feed, medicate, exercise, clean up after, and generally look after Gary...and myself for that matter).

I do have a plan to see Stuart though! I hope that works out. Plans with him are always really spoon-dependent so there's a good chance it won't happen until another day, but it's nice to get as far as having a plan.

Andrew and I are re-watching The Good Place, and just before bed last night got to the episode where Tahani says Jason once asked her if the presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side and it occurred to me that that's one of the few things I can imagine any of my three partners saying to me.