Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness

Today I got to visit a dear friend I hadn't really spoken to in six months. A lot has happened, to both of us. It was great to catch up, but also exhausting, to try to take all that in and explain what's been kind of a slog of a time at work particularly.

I left just in time to walk Teddy...or so I thought. D kindly came to pick me up because I'd lost track of time a bit and it was getting a little late. But when we got to his house, it was quiet and there was no answer. Turns out it was a misunderstanding and they were there, but maybe it wasn't so bad that I didn't have to spend half an hour being dragged around by a labradoodle.

I made dinner, just pasta and sauce but I was glad to use up some of the vegetables that need using. Weird to do it myself, without D, but I'm glad I could give him a break on a rough day.

Then, because a transgym person is coming around tomorrow to pick up the weight bench I inherited from another Misfit and don't use any more -- it was incredibly useful while I was still actively recovering from my broken ankle, but now I can walk to the gym and that gives me a lot more and better options. I'm so excited to have some space back in the room where I work (even if it's also taken up with protest paraphernalia for now, the trestle table, tea urn and related supplies we take with us).

The minute, the very minute, I flipped down on the couch after I finished wrestling with wrenches, contemplating a beer, I got an email from my mom saying they were ready to talk. I hadn't been expecting to hear from them today and still don't know if I forgot her saying they'd call on New Year's Day or if she forgot to tell me, but it worked out. I had a surprisingly pleasant and coherent conversation with them.

And then I had a beer.

And now it's bed time.

I enjoyed the last week or so of various celebratory meals and seeing people and getting/giving gifts.

But it's so exciting to have a normal day now.

One of the recycling bins will be emptied tomorrow!

I can go to the gym for the first time in two weeks! (I didn't, I was too tired (I keep forgetting to eat! I don't get hungry but I get exhausted!) but I can look forward to it tomorrow.)

We walking Teddy again today! (They've had visitors and others who asked to do it over the holiday, he is that much of a treat to walk.) All three of us could join it today, which was really nice; D got a cute selfie of us all and everything.

I can get a delivery slot for groceries again! (Tesco will bring us stuff tomorrow afternoon!)

Most importantly, normal stuff is happening but I am still off work. I am so tired I'm still sleeping a lot and tired all day.

Almost nothing has happened today, but that gives me a chance to talk about everything else that happened yesterday, hopefully before I forget.

I woke up and actually managed to get the train and tram to lift club. The last couple times I'd tried to make it there on public transport hadn't worked out, so it was nice to be able to make it. Especially because it's the last one of the year! At the end I gave George a hug that he said was so good it changed his life. "I'm a very enthusiastic hugger!" he said. "People aren't usually able to meet my energy!" But I guess I did. I love George, even if he does put me on a pedestal a little bit sometimes.

I got a lift home, with had the usual good chats with my pal D. I went right to Teddy's house to walk him, because our usual evening-walk had been swapped to morning walk this once. So this was not only the day that his human, Graham, was having his knee operation, he was having it as we were walking! I let Teddy lead me around the neighborhood for as long as I could but I had a big list of things to do so had to drag him home eventually. I had a good catch-up with Sylvia -- her sister was there, who is so effusive about how much of a help my household has been, aww -- but did have to scurry home so I could have a shower and be on to the next thing.

The next thing was D and I going most of the way to Liverpool to help a relative of V's who's cleaning out his mum's house. We've done this a few times and it's nearly done now. He'd saved me some apple-shaped dishes that I'd coveted the first time but left there; when I was looking through photos of the year for something parent-suitable I saw the photo of these dishes that I'd sent V in order to squee about them, and I was really sad that I hadn't taken them after all. I didn't expect them to have been put to one side for me but since they were I figured it was a sign and eagerly brought them home. They were greeted when I got here by angelofthenorth who recognized them immediately and has a couple herself. It was nice to feel so validated in that decision!

D and I spent a long time at the recycling center, separating stuff out into the appropriate bins. I was stymied by what to do with all the food: all the half-finished bags and jars that a well-stocked home cook had -- the jars all labeled neatly and everything. It was sad to have to get rid of it all. In the process I cut my finger on a bit of broken glass and had to ask the staff for first aid: one employee shouted to another in the scousest accent I've ever heard: "Alex! This man needs to wash his hands! He's got an injury!" They also gave me a little wound-cleaning wet wipe and a band-aid so it was okay.

I got home and needed a nap because we were going out again that evening. To see Karkasaurus and Petrol Bastard, which was such fun even if there was so much dry ice I could taste it and it felt like I was in beginning-of-horror-movie levels of fog. And like I said D got his Loop earplug stuck in his ear, but V got it out today so that's worked out okay. We ran into a number of people that we know there, from different things -- sign of a good gig -- and might have been led astray for a completely extraneous pint afterwards, by this person and her girlfriend and their Welsh friend. Said person continues to be delightfully tactile around me in a way that usually doesn't get to happen absent some romantic or sexual interest, and it's utterly delightful.

And then we left them to their reckless ways and got an uber home just before midnight which is why I didn't have time to talk about all of this in yesterday's blog post!

I did well to be feeling as okay as I am today; I think the fact that I continue to get insomnia when I'm drunk, which at least means I can drink water while I'm awake, keeps the hangovers from being as bad as I've been led to expect in my forties!

I had a pretty good day for it being the blackest day on my calendar.

Twenty years ago today my brother died. It was thanksgiving day, that year. He died in a car accident. No other cars involved, he wasn't drunk, the weather was fine, he was on familiar roads...

So there was no reason for it, no lesson to be learned from it or cause to take up because of it.

Normally I will have a wee dram for the occasion, but tonight I went to the gym instead, knowing that the rest of the week is too full to allow it and not wanting to let the good effect of actually making it to trans gym on Saturday wither away already. It was a good choice but means I got home and as usual went upstairs to a shower and bed.

It was a pretty good day. I woke up absurdly early as usual but didn't feel tired. I got up and did my morning chores (opened the curtains, emptied the dishwasher, made a pot of tea), made breakfast and started work an hour early. My manager is off all week and his manager is off today, so while I'm awaiting feedback from them on a report that's perilously close to its deadline now, it's not my problem if they don't get it to me. I didn't have many meetings either (though the two I did have were bad enough), it was much warmer than it had been at the end of last week and the sun was even out sometimes.

Most of all, what made this November good is that I wasn't fretting about my dog dying (like last year), I didn't break my ankle and need an operation (like two years ago), and a dear friend wasn't having a psychotic episode where I was the only person she'd talk to (like three years ago).

November just sucks.

But this one has been okay. Yes it's been full of work and of counterprotesting fascists, but it's also had some fun stuff and there's more happening this week: a birthday party, a wedding, a new Knives Out movie, a thanksgiving dinner that I'm not cooking...

Twenty years.

It doesn't feel long ago.

And yet I've also been so many people since then. I'm sad I didn't have the chance to find out who he would have been.

I went to the gym after dinner tonight.

Not only did I get through work (I forgot to re-set my normal alarm after not needing it yesterday and woke up eight minutes before my first meeting, oops). Not only did I get a flu shot (I was very brave). Not only did I make dinner even though I was exhausted (I made the broccoli and halloumi thing because D really likes it and he's had A Bad Day at work).

But even after all that, I still was awake and energetic enough to go to the gym. And I even walked both ways (waiting for the bus would have taken a lot longer).

I didn't make it at all last week, and after losing the first two days of this week to the stupid away day, I wouldn't have blamed myself if I wasn't up for it now. But, surprisingly, I just about was.

Which is great. I was despairing that the whole winter might be like last week was, where I'd just work and sleep, or fail to sleep, and that's no kind of life. Especially when work is making you miserable like mine is.

I slept well and woke up on time despite having forgotten to turn my alarm back on after turning it off for Friday. I kept D company while he returned the van (we didn't get back yesterday before the place closed, so he got to park the van on our driveway and had to give it back and collect his car this morning), and a driving adventure with him is always fun.

I took the morning off work, to make up for my long day Thursday that I couldn't claim back on Friday because I was too busy with other stuff. I was so sleepy that it was really difficult to get into work-brain for the afternoon, but I eventually got a lot done.

angelofthenorth made soup and soda bread as a starter for dinner, but we ate all the bread because it was so delicious and then it took a while for people to get hungry for the poulet au viniagre. I had mine when I got back from the gym tonight -- I biked there and back, and I had a good if short workout because it's getting dark so early and I wanted to get home before that. We're still just about in the half of the year where the days are longer than the nights and I'm determined to take advantage of it as much as I can.

And of course now being on the verge of nodding off all day, I'm not sleepy now that it's bedtime.

Hardly slept again last night.

Went for a bike ride and a couple of pints with D this evening so I am actually feeling tired now for the first time in many days.

Really hoping this means I'll sleep. Gotta actually go to work tomorrow, and I have obligations after work too so it'll be a long day if I'm as brainfoggy and exhausted as I was today or especially Saturday.

It was a lovely day: perfect weather. Really glad I got to be outside: we went to the garden center this afternoon too; spring bulbs are in and V wasn't able to get any last year so I'm glad they did this year. We also got tea and really tasty cake as they were having a pop-up cafe fundraiser.

Everything is so much.

I did get my hair cut between work and circuits today (missing a call from my boss by skiving a little bit early, oops).

And circuits was good, the last week our usual trainer is doing it! They have to reassure us that they'll still be around, they're still doing lift club, but they need their Monday evenings back. They're self-employed and they work long odd hours, and they have a kid and everything. Fair enough but I'll miss them! We've already had their replacement a couple times and it helps to know I like them too but still.

We always have music playing on a big speaker during circuits, and they asked everyone to pick a song to play tonight. I chose Calvin Harris's "Summer" because I'd already had to listen to some metal nonsense and an actual ballad (who wants breathy singer-songwriter types in the gym??) and I needed some dance music. I did my burpees so much faster when "Sandstorm" was playing!

Biggest achievement of today was getting the report draft to the copyeditor on time. Second biggest is making sure my best binder has been washed and has a chance to dry before I need to wear it tomorrow afternoon (and Wednesday). Third biggest achievement is finally, only after I got back from circuits, starting to think about what my keynote speech on Wednesday will entail.

Priorities!

I've got a few slides and everything. Our pal V gave me a lift home from circuits and when I told him I had no idea what my talk was going to be about and maybe should be worried that I'm not more worried, he said "I think I'm more worried for you now!" Oh no. He really did seem it too, bless him. I should text him tomorrow and tell him that it's fine.

The best thing that happened today is something I mostly sorted out a couple of days ago: some friends having a shitty time and dreading the UK heatwave said they'd benefit from getting some groceries delivered. One of them was able to give an idea of what kind of food would work and V told them I'm a genius at sorting out groceries online so no pressure. I took the suggestions and what I know of them and what kinds of things were on offer. The first message we got this afternoon was "It's arrived! Just put it in bags and taking a breather. From first impressions: you know us very well :D" Aw. I'm just glad it's stuff they can eat.

The next message was one of them describing the other's reaction to seeing baby cucumbers (which I'd chosen as easier to eat than having to slice up one big cucumber): "oh they're unpickled pickles!" I've been smiling at that ever since.

it has been a minute since my insomnia was this bad.

It was bad that I woke up at 6am after woefully inadequate sleep and could not fall asleep again even though I was so tired I felt like I'd been poisoned.

It was bad when I slept for like 3 hours this afternoon to make up for that, thereby deciding for me whether or not D and I were going to the Midsommars gig today.

And then I felt bad for "not doing anything" today, even though I was up and dressed by 7, had breakfast and coffee, emptied the dishwasher, walked with yrieithydd to meet angelofthenorth, tidied away the bedding they'd used on the sofa last night, started the laundry, fetched and carried things for D while he looked at doing some car DIY, heated up some leftovers for him for dinner, talked to my parents...

I think it felt like "nothing," despite all that, because it didn't feel like enough to prepare me for another week of work. I felt so good about meeting a deadline for getting the first draft of a report done by the end of Friday, but now there's a ton more work to do on it -- the first task being to constructively accept the feedback of the four managers I've sent the first draft to, even though I'm so acutely aware of its failings that the only feedback I can cope with the prospect of receiving is one-dimensional gushing praise. And I can't even have my emotional-support circuits class that normally makes Mondays bearable, not unless someone who's currently booked can't go, unbooks themselves, and I can book beforehand.

My insomnia felt worst this evening. I had a terrible case of the Sunday night morbs: I'm dreading work tomorrow like I said, I felt so lonesome, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I can usually tell by 8 or 9 at night whether I'll be able to get to sleep without too much difficulty or not. I can't explain how, but it's weirdly reliable. And everything about today was telling me there will be no sleep.

I walked up next to D after having a snack and told him I was going to bed, something I almost always do. He asked me how I was and I said my brain was being a jerk. He said that I should go make a rum and coke and join him on the sofa. And make him one too (heh). It was such an unusual thing for him to request -- he never argues with me saying I'm going to bed -- that I couldn't resist.

He put something on the TV and we ended up watching the first half of When Springsteen Came to Britain, which he told me he'd found and downloaded a while ago, but I'd forgotten about it since. It was a really nice treat, seeing the footage of the Boss and the Big Man when they were impossibly young men, singing along, letting the instrumental parts of "Backstreets" knit up the raveled sleeve of care like it always does...

It hasn't made it any easier for me to get to sleep of course. But it at least gave me some nicer things to think about while I've been awake. I felt very cared for (which sometimes helps with the loneliness too).

I applied for a job and I talked to my parents this evening. And I watched the Twins lose a heartbreaker (all credit to Jackson Chourio though, wow).

Can't believe my reward for this is that I have to go to bed soon so I can go to work in the morning!