I've been trying to catch up with my RSS reader the last couple days. ( Here's some stuff I've read. )
[126/365] loooong day
May. 6th, 2022 09:20 pmWork today mostly consisted of getting someone to and from A&E, which sucked in all the "this is probably nothing but it needs to be checked out" ways: the ways where you're less afraid of a terrible outcome and more beset by phone calls and waiting for callbacks and arranging lifts (thank you so much ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
diffrentcolours! I'm so sorry your week involved so much rush hour traffic because of me!) and just. so. much. waiting.
It was such a long day: I went to work four hours early (unrelatedly but it was really lucky that I did!) and I still got home about the time I normally would (when I'd normally be walking, and I got driven home today!). And yes the verdict is "probably fine, but get in touch with the GP on Monday if the symptoms haven't gotten better yet." Ugh.
I don't normally work on weekends but I've offered to go to work tomorrow to do like all the regular stuff like showers and groceries, that didn't happen today.
I think the one nice thing that happened at work today -- before all of that shit, obviously: J referred to himself as a gender hoarder, which reminded me of that drawing I saw on Facebook the other day of the two kinds of non-binary people where one person holds up an umbrella so none of the genders get on them and the other person is like excitedly picking all the genders up off the ground. He said "Yeah, I saw that and thought 'oh look it's me and Erik!' "
diffrentcolours! I'm so sorry your week involved so much rush hour traffic because of me!) and just. so. much. waiting. It was such a long day: I went to work four hours early (unrelatedly but it was really lucky that I did!) and I still got home about the time I normally would (when I'd normally be walking, and I got driven home today!). And yes the verdict is "probably fine, but get in touch with the GP on Monday if the symptoms haven't gotten better yet." Ugh.
I don't normally work on weekends but I've offered to go to work tomorrow to do like all the regular stuff like showers and groceries, that didn't happen today.
I think the one nice thing that happened at work today -- before all of that shit, obviously: J referred to himself as a gender hoarder, which reminded me of that drawing I saw on Facebook the other day of the two kinds of non-binary people where one person holds up an umbrella so none of the genders get on them and the other person is like excitedly picking all the genders up off the ground. He said "Yeah, I saw that and thought 'oh look it's me and Erik!' "
[323/365] happy international men's day
Nov. 19th, 2021 09:13 pmToday is the first International Men's Day where I have felt like it might be anything to do with me.
Thank you to the men and masc people who've introspected about their gender and decided, whether cis or trans, to embrace manhood. You've shown me it isn't all toxic and unemotional and aggressive and hurtful to everyone it comes into contact with.
Thanks to those who've made me feel welcome with my new name this year and my increasingly defaulting to he/him pronouns (the others aren't wrong but, well my new favorite spatial metaphor to describe gender goes, I'm one of those people who "may use one set of pronouns because that’s where they pick up their mail and it’s convenient"). But especially thanks to those who've made masculinity a thing I feel welcome to investigate and visit and maybe now set up some kind of home in, or at least a P.O. box.
Thank you to the men and masc people who've introspected about their gender and decided, whether cis or trans, to embrace manhood. You've shown me it isn't all toxic and unemotional and aggressive and hurtful to everyone it comes into contact with.
Thanks to those who've made me feel welcome with my new name this year and my increasingly defaulting to he/him pronouns (the others aren't wrong but, well my new favorite spatial metaphor to describe gender goes, I'm one of those people who "may use one set of pronouns because that’s where they pick up their mail and it’s convenient"). But especially thanks to those who've made masculinity a thing I feel welcome to investigate and visit and maybe now set up some kind of home in, or at least a P.O. box.
[279/365] we are a confusing household
Oct. 6th, 2021 09:21 pmSoon after I got home from work, mother_bones said "something so hilarious happened, but I want to tell you and diffrentcolours at the same time," so I was left intrigued.
He works late on a Wednesday, and then stayed upstairs later having another video game date with his bestie, so I'd had a few chances in that time to remember "ooh there's a funny story to hear, I'm looking forward to that!" and then forget again.
Not too long afterdiffrentcolours came downstairs to eat his pizza (before we ate all of it -- and if Gary had his way, he'd be included in that "we"), I said "Oh, we can hear the story now!" and explained to him about this.
mother_bones had clearly forgotten too because she had that pre-amused look of someone who knows what's coming, and she started by chuckling and saying stuff like "Right -- I don't even know where to start."
She was talking to The Person at the Garden Center Whose Name We Don't Know. We know the other one well, who owns it, and this lady is super nice and I've never known her name andmother_bones can never remember it and we both feel really bad about it. Anyway. That one.
The two of them were talking about Gary and how great he is -- Gary's first walk, of four today, took us past there and she spotted us and took the opportunity to compliment him effusively, which I thought was very sweet. Then the lady moved on to saying something about the people who are always with Gary -- 99% of his walks are done by me or me anddiffrentcolours -- and she asked, "Are those your sons? Or...daughter?"*
mother_bones said she just threw her head back and howled with laughter. "I must be looking old today," she said (she is older than us! and I'm not a lot older than her actual sons and diffrentcolours isn't a lot older than me, but still...!) She also did her best to reassure the horrified lady, who was realizing what she'd just said, that this truly wasn't anything to feel embarrassed about, that it'd made her day.
"I did attempt to explain our household to her,"mother_bones told us. (Which will delight the lady who owns the garden center, who's spent years trying to figure out why random people seem to live in this house what with the previous lodgers and for all she knows I'm just this year's one.) "And then we commiserated about what it's like being in our fifties, because we're about the same age."
It sounds like a totally adorable conversation, and it does amuse me every time I think about it now. We were all very sympathetic to the idea that no one could tell our relationships to each other just by looking.** I asked her if she'd told her actual sons about this, because they'll both think it's hilarious as well.diffrentcolours said "Yeah, among the people who'll find this funny: my boyfriend, his boyfriend, my two real sons..."
* Yes, I am delighted that my gender is still baffling to people who see me in every possible state of disarray (sometimes I do not want to walk the dog and yet I still walk the dog but I feel my clothes indicate my lack of interest in my body interacting with society at these times, and since gender is nothing but a relationship between a body and society, I am delighted to know mine is still capable of seeming like probably-someone's-son then)!
** I've found, with tradespeople and delivery people and that sort of thing, that I'm assumed to be either of the other two if the person has one of their names, and I'm assumed to be the gay partner of either of the other two if they know me not to be the name they have on their contact details, or if I'm like standing next to them or something. Best version of that was when a plumber was here andmother_bones and I were downstairs, dog-wrangling and moving stuff out of his way and whatnot. At one point he said "did I hear water running upstairs? I'm going to have to turn off the water..." and mother_bones said "Oh yeah that's fine, it's just my partner upstairs" and the guy, when he heard this, looked at her, looked at me with a very clear isn't this your partner?! look on his face, and looked back at her slightly more worriedly. I worried I'd only imagined that look from him but when she and I compared notes later we'd both independently noticed this, heh.
mother_bones said "something so hilarious happened, but I want to tell you and diffrentcolours at the same time," so I was left intrigued.He works late on a Wednesday, and then stayed upstairs later having another video game date with his bestie, so I'd had a few chances in that time to remember "ooh there's a funny story to hear, I'm looking forward to that!" and then forget again.
Not too long after
diffrentcolours came downstairs to eat his pizza (before we ate all of it -- and if Gary had his way, he'd be included in that "we"), I said "Oh, we can hear the story now!" and explained to him about this.mother_bones had clearly forgotten too because she had that pre-amused look of someone who knows what's coming, and she started by chuckling and saying stuff like "Right -- I don't even know where to start."She was talking to The Person at the Garden Center Whose Name We Don't Know. We know the other one well, who owns it, and this lady is super nice and I've never known her name and
mother_bones can never remember it and we both feel really bad about it. Anyway. That one.The two of them were talking about Gary and how great he is -- Gary's first walk, of four today, took us past there and she spotted us and took the opportunity to compliment him effusively, which I thought was very sweet. Then the lady moved on to saying something about the people who are always with Gary -- 99% of his walks are done by me or me and
diffrentcolours -- and she asked, "Are those your sons? Or...daughter?"* mother_bones said she just threw her head back and howled with laughter. "I must be looking old today," she said (she is older than us! and I'm not a lot older than her actual sons and diffrentcolours isn't a lot older than me, but still...!) She also did her best to reassure the horrified lady, who was realizing what she'd just said, that this truly wasn't anything to feel embarrassed about, that it'd made her day."I did attempt to explain our household to her,"
mother_bones told us. (Which will delight the lady who owns the garden center, who's spent years trying to figure out why random people seem to live in this house what with the previous lodgers and for all she knows I'm just this year's one.) "And then we commiserated about what it's like being in our fifties, because we're about the same age."It sounds like a totally adorable conversation, and it does amuse me every time I think about it now. We were all very sympathetic to the idea that no one could tell our relationships to each other just by looking.** I asked her if she'd told her actual sons about this, because they'll both think it's hilarious as well.
diffrentcolours said "Yeah, among the people who'll find this funny: my boyfriend, his boyfriend, my two real sons..."* Yes, I am delighted that my gender is still baffling to people who see me in every possible state of disarray (sometimes I do not want to walk the dog and yet I still walk the dog but I feel my clothes indicate my lack of interest in my body interacting with society at these times, and since gender is nothing but a relationship between a body and society, I am delighted to know mine is still capable of seeming like probably-someone's-son then)!
** I've found, with tradespeople and delivery people and that sort of thing, that I'm assumed to be either of the other two if the person has one of their names, and I'm assumed to be the gay partner of either of the other two if they know me not to be the name they have on their contact details, or if I'm like standing next to them or something. Best version of that was when a plumber was here and
mother_bones and I were downstairs, dog-wrangling and moving stuff out of his way and whatnot. At one point he said "did I hear water running upstairs? I'm going to have to turn off the water..." and mother_bones said "Oh yeah that's fine, it's just my partner upstairs" and the guy, when he heard this, looked at her, looked at me with a very clear isn't this your partner?! look on his face, and looked back at her slightly more worriedly. I worried I'd only imagined that look from him but when she and I compared notes later we'd both independently noticed this, heh.The best thing about my new phone arriving in the mail today is that I have a new phone! (New to me, same model as my old one but actually works, which is exciting. It's been stressful either having no or difficult access to calls and texts and internet only when I have wifi.)
The second best thing is that because the phone was was sent signed-for, the postie didn't get me to sign because covid but did ask "is that you?" as he pointed to the address label and I got to go "Yep! I'm Erik," there in my tiny shorts over my hips, my boobs out and lots of bra showing, because I dress femme when it's hot.
I know people who particularly seek out and revel in that kind of gender transgression and while it's not such a euphoric moment for me it can be fun.
The second best thing is that because the phone was was sent signed-for, the postie didn't get me to sign because covid but did ask "is that you?" as he pointed to the address label and I got to go "Yep! I'm Erik," there in my tiny shorts over my hips, my boobs out and lots of bra showing, because I dress femme when it's hot.
I know people who particularly seek out and revel in that kind of gender transgression and while it's not such a euphoric moment for me it can be fun.
[238/365] pronouns
Aug. 26th, 2021 08:36 pmToday I went to a meeting with two other people, and one of them and I got to explain to the cishet person who was worried about getting our pronouns wrong that it's not really possible for either of us.
I feel like I had to invent "I don't care what pronouns anyone uses for me" from first principles when I first started feeling like that a couple years ago so it feels nice to encounter it (especially in something that's not even a queer-specific context, which this is not).
I feel like I had to invent "I don't care what pronouns anyone uses for me" from first principles when I first started feeling like that a couple years ago so it feels nice to encounter it (especially in something that's not even a queer-specific context, which this is not).
[235/365] the debrief
Aug. 23rd, 2021 10:56 pmThe camping had some really lovely, special moments -- the bonfire we had on the beach last night with inevitable whiskey and singing; the affection with which I've been assimilated by a group of people who've otherwise all known each other for years; swimming just before we left today, which is the first time that the amount of stuff I was wearing and the warmth of the weather conspired to mean I actually enjoyed outdoor swimming in England as swimming and not just as a weird endurance event -- but it also made me really fucking appreciate how well I've arranged my life so that I'm cushioned from some of the worst effects of my anxiety, because I was missing out on those things!
For example: I forgot my earbuds so couldn't get to sleep or back to sleep. I didn't know where anything was like I do in my day-to-day life so I was forever using spoons on looking for things and quickly getting frustrated (which can be exhausting in itself!) when I inevitably failed to find them. I also had foolishly neglected to bring my everyday little backpack, thinking "I don't need normal stuff when I'm camping!" which is true but I absolutely would have benefited from my white cane and my RADAR key (key that opens most accessible toilets in public places) for the grocery stores and motorway services we stopped at along the way. I had to use cisabled toilets which meant choosing a gender and I've not really had to worry about that in lockdown and didn't think about it before that. So I didn't enjoy that conundrum.
All of which is to say I have fond memories of this weekend but I spent much of my eight-hour journey back thinking about how much I was looking forward to a shower and a soft bed in a warm room. And so after a little time outside by the firepit (we roasted the marshmallows we took camping and brought back again!), I was ordered to go have a shower before I fell asleep, heh. I really wanted to stay outside by the firepit with my little family, spend time with the people who are about to emigrate...but the next best thing was that my bedroom is over the backyard and I could hear the voices and laughter floating up through my open bedroom window. So cozy.
For example: I forgot my earbuds so couldn't get to sleep or back to sleep. I didn't know where anything was like I do in my day-to-day life so I was forever using spoons on looking for things and quickly getting frustrated (which can be exhausting in itself!) when I inevitably failed to find them. I also had foolishly neglected to bring my everyday little backpack, thinking "I don't need normal stuff when I'm camping!" which is true but I absolutely would have benefited from my white cane and my RADAR key (key that opens most accessible toilets in public places) for the grocery stores and motorway services we stopped at along the way. I had to use cisabled toilets which meant choosing a gender and I've not really had to worry about that in lockdown and didn't think about it before that. So I didn't enjoy that conundrum.
All of which is to say I have fond memories of this weekend but I spent much of my eight-hour journey back thinking about how much I was looking forward to a shower and a soft bed in a warm room. And so after a little time outside by the firepit (we roasted the marshmallows we took camping and brought back again!), I was ordered to go have a shower before I fell asleep, heh. I really wanted to stay outside by the firepit with my little family, spend time with the people who are about to emigrate...but the next best thing was that my bedroom is over the backyard and I could hear the voices and laughter floating up through my open bedroom window. So cozy.
When the waiter brought our meals (we ate outside a restaurant! first time in like 15 months!), he put a plate down in front of diffrentcolours's mum and said "madam", then he said "sir" as he handed the next plate to her boyfriend... so I was really interested to see what he'd say about the third plate because it was mine.
There was maybe a little pause and then he said "asparagus pizza!" Ah yes, the three genders!
I mean we're always looking for a non-gendered alternative to ma'am/sir, may I humbly suggest "asparagus pizza." It certainly delighted me.
diffrentcolours's mum and said "madam", then he said "sir" as he handed the next plate to her boyfriend... so I was really interested to see what he'd say about the third plate because it was mine.There was maybe a little pause and then he said "asparagus pizza!" Ah yes, the three genders!
I mean we're always looking for a non-gendered alternative to ma'am/sir, may I humbly suggest "asparagus pizza." It certainly delighted me.
[139/365] agender day
May. 19th, 2021 08:04 amHappy Agender Pride Day!
I totally forgot about this until Facebook reminded me, but last year I wrote an agender FAQ for LGBT+ Lib Dems. Here it is:
May 19th is commemorated as Agender Pride Day. I'm agender, and I'm used to that not being a terribly well-understood word, so today I'd like to answer some questions people might have for agender people.
What does agender mean?
Agender means "without gender." Agender people don't align with any gender identity. We may particularly feel a distinct lack of gender or we may feel distant from the concept of gender altogether.
Is agender the same as asexual?
No. Asexual is a sexuality, it's about how people relate to each other. Agender is a gender identity, it's about a person's internal feeling of themselves. It's not any more the same than being heterosexual is the same as being a man. A person may be both agender and asexual, and they're both part of the LGBT+ community that we as Lib Dems want to support and celebrate, but they're not the same thing.
So are you saying gender doesn't exist or something?
Definitely not. Like any other gender identity, it isn't universal. There are plenty of things I don't have, like a car, or a sister, but a lot of people do have them! Gender plays a pervasive role in society; we agender people know that as well as anyone.
How did you discover agender, and then how do you decide it applies to you?
In my experience, it can be tricky to discover! I've known and learned about binary trans people for more than twenty years now, and I've known and learned about non-binary people for more than ten, but I didn't encounter anyone agender, or the idea that anyone could be agender, until a few years ago.
This is one reason I'm really glad Agender Pride Day exists; I want to help everyone understand agender people but I also want people who might be drawn to this label to find out about it and not feel adrift in other gender identities like I did before.
I decided it applied to me after some good conversations with friends who helped me compare my experience of gender to theirs. I was surprised when they said they really do have consistent internal feelings of maleness, or femaleness, or having a gender that is neither of those but still definitely exists. I've never had that feeling at all.
What are the things to look for so you don't misgender someone?
It's unlikely that anyone is ever going to look at me and think "there's a person with no gender!" We reflexively gender strangers immediately, and we call them "mate" or "sweetheart," "that guy" or "that lady," and so on. One thing we can all do is try to re-train our habits of thinking, so that we don't assume people's genders like this. This would help a lot of people - and doesn't hurt anybody, since we can always say "this person" instead and it's still perfectly correct - and one of the groups it helps is agender people.
What are the best (and worst) ways to react to someone coming out as agender?
As with any gender coming-out, the best reactions are respectful and supportive. Coming out is usually a gesture of good faith, and should be treated as such. If you're not familiar with agender as a concept, your first instinct might be to say "I haven't heard of that, you must have made it up" or "don't be silly, everyone has to have a gender." If you don't understand it, you can always ask if the person has resources to recommend rather than peppering them with questions. If you're expected to use a new name or set of pronouns for someone, please do so. And if you find it difficult to get it right, try practicing when the person isn't around; speaking or writing about them often helps and the person doesn't have to be present for your flubs.
Agender people will make different requests of you regarding their pronouns, names or titles. It's always best to ask, not assume. There are no agender-specific pronouns (that I know of!), and agender people can have any pronouns ("he," "she," "they," or many others) or even, like me, might welcome all pronouns. I really don't feel more attached to one set of pronouns over the others, I like Mx as a title, and I haven't changed my given name but I've added a new middle name. The next agender person you meet might be completely different in all of these aspects.
What legal recognition would agender people benefit from?
One thing agender people share with non-binary people is a lack of legal recognition in the UK and most other countries. I'm frustrated when gender is both mandatory on important documents like passports and yet offers us only Male and Female as options.
I totally forgot about this until Facebook reminded me, but last year I wrote an agender FAQ for LGBT+ Lib Dems. Here it is:
May 19th is commemorated as Agender Pride Day. I'm agender, and I'm used to that not being a terribly well-understood word, so today I'd like to answer some questions people might have for agender people.
What does agender mean?
Agender means "without gender." Agender people don't align with any gender identity. We may particularly feel a distinct lack of gender or we may feel distant from the concept of gender altogether.
Is agender the same as asexual?
No. Asexual is a sexuality, it's about how people relate to each other. Agender is a gender identity, it's about a person's internal feeling of themselves. It's not any more the same than being heterosexual is the same as being a man. A person may be both agender and asexual, and they're both part of the LGBT+ community that we as Lib Dems want to support and celebrate, but they're not the same thing.
So are you saying gender doesn't exist or something?
Definitely not. Like any other gender identity, it isn't universal. There are plenty of things I don't have, like a car, or a sister, but a lot of people do have them! Gender plays a pervasive role in society; we agender people know that as well as anyone.
How did you discover agender, and then how do you decide it applies to you?
In my experience, it can be tricky to discover! I've known and learned about binary trans people for more than twenty years now, and I've known and learned about non-binary people for more than ten, but I didn't encounter anyone agender, or the idea that anyone could be agender, until a few years ago.
This is one reason I'm really glad Agender Pride Day exists; I want to help everyone understand agender people but I also want people who might be drawn to this label to find out about it and not feel adrift in other gender identities like I did before.
I decided it applied to me after some good conversations with friends who helped me compare my experience of gender to theirs. I was surprised when they said they really do have consistent internal feelings of maleness, or femaleness, or having a gender that is neither of those but still definitely exists. I've never had that feeling at all.
What are the things to look for so you don't misgender someone?
It's unlikely that anyone is ever going to look at me and think "there's a person with no gender!" We reflexively gender strangers immediately, and we call them "mate" or "sweetheart," "that guy" or "that lady," and so on. One thing we can all do is try to re-train our habits of thinking, so that we don't assume people's genders like this. This would help a lot of people - and doesn't hurt anybody, since we can always say "this person" instead and it's still perfectly correct - and one of the groups it helps is agender people.
What are the best (and worst) ways to react to someone coming out as agender?
As with any gender coming-out, the best reactions are respectful and supportive. Coming out is usually a gesture of good faith, and should be treated as such. If you're not familiar with agender as a concept, your first instinct might be to say "I haven't heard of that, you must have made it up" or "don't be silly, everyone has to have a gender." If you don't understand it, you can always ask if the person has resources to recommend rather than peppering them with questions. If you're expected to use a new name or set of pronouns for someone, please do so. And if you find it difficult to get it right, try practicing when the person isn't around; speaking or writing about them often helps and the person doesn't have to be present for your flubs.
Agender people will make different requests of you regarding their pronouns, names or titles. It's always best to ask, not assume. There are no agender-specific pronouns (that I know of!), and agender people can have any pronouns ("he," "she," "they," or many others) or even, like me, might welcome all pronouns. I really don't feel more attached to one set of pronouns over the others, I like Mx as a title, and I haven't changed my given name but I've added a new middle name. The next agender person you meet might be completely different in all of these aspects.
What legal recognition would agender people benefit from?
One thing agender people share with non-binary people is a lack of legal recognition in the UK and most other countries. I'm frustrated when gender is both mandatory on important documents like passports and yet offers us only Male and Female as options.
[116/365] phew!
Apr. 26th, 2021 08:36 pmSince I was applying for a job at the RNIB, and I've been volunteering to some extent or another with the RNIB since my only name was Holly and my only pronouns were she/her, I had to either carry that on here -- which I didn't want to do -- or tell the various people I interact with as a volunteer to change the name and pronouns they use for me. Which I also didn't want to do, but it seemed the less bad option.
So I started that today, in a call planned just to be full of catch-up things with the person who among other things is managing me as a volunteer. She's really lovely and we had a bunch to talk about anyway but when she asked me "so how are you otherwise?" (other than the job I'd applied for, this meant, because that was the first thing I wanted to tell her, and she was really excited for me which is sweet because if I get this job I'll be working with her).
So I told her what name and pronouns I'm going by and she was like "oh right!" and she said (not quite in so many words) that there's an LGBT network for staff (and probably volunteers too), and then she started telling me this shaggy-dog story that at the beginning sounded like it was going to be about another trans volunteer, but then kind of ended up being about what their volunteering was? I think? the line was breaking up a bit but I was happy to coast on the tone of voice and she said she was happy to look into getting my firstname.lastname e-mail address changed, so that's all cool!
Gotta tell at least a couple more people by e-mail tomorrow ideally, before I have a meeting with them on Wednesday!
But I'm feeling really buoyed up by how painless this was; I didn't really think it'd be terrible but if it was it'd have been a logistic pain in the ass as well as a huge bummer, so I'm glad it wasn't. It just makes me all the more excited about the possibility of this job. It makes me feel so good. I'm doing a terrible job of not getting my hopes up here.
So I started that today, in a call planned just to be full of catch-up things with the person who among other things is managing me as a volunteer. She's really lovely and we had a bunch to talk about anyway but when she asked me "so how are you otherwise?" (other than the job I'd applied for, this meant, because that was the first thing I wanted to tell her, and she was really excited for me which is sweet because if I get this job I'll be working with her).
So I told her what name and pronouns I'm going by and she was like "oh right!" and she said (not quite in so many words) that there's an LGBT network for staff (and probably volunteers too), and then she started telling me this shaggy-dog story that at the beginning sounded like it was going to be about another trans volunteer, but then kind of ended up being about what their volunteering was? I think? the line was breaking up a bit but I was happy to coast on the tone of voice and she said she was happy to look into getting my firstname.lastname e-mail address changed, so that's all cool!
Gotta tell at least a couple more people by e-mail tomorrow ideally, before I have a meeting with them on Wednesday!
But I'm feeling really buoyed up by how painless this was; I didn't really think it'd be terrible but if it was it'd have been a logistic pain in the ass as well as a huge bummer, so I'm glad it wasn't. It just makes me all the more excited about the possibility of this job. It makes me feel so good. I'm doing a terrible job of not getting my hopes up here.
[114/365] It's All Drag
Apr. 24th, 2021 08:57 pmI wrote my first submission for a zine and then the deadline was the end of February 2020 so, uh, it never happened.
But I like what I wrote -- I'm glad I did it, as it could only have been written in a short time period, not long before or after this -- and I've found myself wanting to reference it since, so I thought I'd just put it here.
( It's All Drag )
But I like what I wrote -- I'm glad I did it, as it could only have been written in a short time period, not long before or after this -- and I've found myself wanting to reference it since, so I thought I'd just put it here.
( It's All Drag )
Yesterday a friend told me she had a dream about Gary being made of socks ("he didn't move as much but he was still cute").
She also told me that she was dreaming about practicing my new pronouns (I think maybe she was telling me about the Gary dream, in another dream?) and that totally blew my mind! I wonder what she thinks my new pronouns are. All pronouns are still good for me.
She also told me that she was dreaming about practicing my new pronouns (I think maybe she was telling me about the Gary dream, in another dream?) and that totally blew my mind! I wonder what she thinks my new pronouns are. All pronouns are still good for me.
[61/365] what even is my brain
Mar. 2nd, 2021 10:51 pmEveryone in this house has conversations with Gary and lately when mother_bones talks to him about me she sometimes calls me his "papa" which I adore and tonight when diffrentcolours had to tell Gary off, he said "you're making me sad, you're making your dad sad..." and it was so confusing for me because I was really upset at Gary's misbehavior but also I was so delighted at the sound of being his dad. It was really weird but also, eventually, amusing.
It's especially funny to me how much I love this because I never used to like pet owners being referred to as their pet's parent, like just in general not about me particularly, but for some reason now I love this.
mother_bones talks to him about me she sometimes calls me his "papa" which I adore and tonight when diffrentcolours had to tell Gary off, he said "you're making me sad, you're making your dad sad..." and it was so confusing for me because I was really upset at Gary's misbehavior but also I was so delighted at the sound of being his dad. It was really weird but also, eventually, amusing.It's especially funny to me how much I love this because I never used to like pet owners being referred to as their pet's parent, like just in general not about me particularly, but for some reason now I love this.
[36/365] trans and trains
Feb. 5th, 2021 10:02 pmI had an interesting time at a new kind of blindie meeting -- this is the kind of volunteer I am for the RNIB, I go to meetings. Some are local disability groups, which are mostly about feeding stuff back to my volunteer manager at the RNIB so they can keep up with what people are concerned about, and some are where I'm representing the feedback from the RNIB to groups that are being consulted on things like covid.
This was a new thing, though, where a train company just wanted some blind people to ask about stuff. It was nice to have a meeting that wasn't just whinging or hobby horses (though there was some of that, because trains; I hadn't heard people talk in that specific level of detail since I used to go pubs with Lib Dems!) but someone whose job involves asking us stuff and taking what we said back to board meetings.
It was most interesting to me because one of the things that got mentioned, in talking about disabled toilets, started out as a tangent; another person said something like "transgender people might use the disabled toilets too because they feel more comfortable there than in the ladies' or the men's," a fairly neutral comment potentially but I kinda wanted to nip that in the bud (especially with rampant TERFery meaning we have to talk about toilets a-fucking-gain (UK people please respond to the consultation trying to take away toilets and therefore public life from many people, cis and trans)). I said something like "that's me, I'm trans, and I have suggestions about how we can be inclusive" which the person running the meeting seemed kinda surprised by but very positive about.
So I explained my suggestions, including thinking of and labeling them as accessible toilets rather than disabled toilets, and since we'd already reached a consensus on making it explicit that not all disabilities, I sort of briefly alluded to the social model of disability (without calling it that in case the terminology was unfamiliar enough to be offputting to anyone there) and explained that in the same way as we're disabled not (just) by our impairments but how society treats us as disabled people, trans people also have problems that aren't inherent to them but based on how society treats them, etc. There were positive noises and no one argued, which was a relief.
I'd already emailed the organizer because I had such a hard time getting Teams to work (fucking Teams! I hate it! Zoom is so bad but yet somehow it's the least bad?!) that I was about fifteen minutes late to the meeting, so I emailed her to say sorry, I am trying to get it to work, I do want to be there. And she didn't see it until after I'd, obviously, joined the meeting and after I'd said all this stuff, so part of her reply was "thrilled you have been able to work it out and join, Thank you for being so honest and talking about your situation. It has been really helpful" and I think "your situation" is the best way she knows to say "saying you're trans."
It was really cute and in a way a good sign because I think I'm dealing here with a person who means well but isn't up on this, isn't comfortable talking about it. And she handled it perfectly from a meeting-organizer person-doing-a-job-about-integration point of view. So it's nice to see that can be done not just by people who are 100% Clued Up and Confident, but also just people who are new to this.
It's easy to think from Twitter and from the fact that they dominate UK media that TERFs and their terrible ideas are everywhere, but they're really not. It felt good to have a positive real-world example of that today.
This was a new thing, though, where a train company just wanted some blind people to ask about stuff. It was nice to have a meeting that wasn't just whinging or hobby horses (though there was some of that, because trains; I hadn't heard people talk in that specific level of detail since I used to go pubs with Lib Dems!) but someone whose job involves asking us stuff and taking what we said back to board meetings.
It was most interesting to me because one of the things that got mentioned, in talking about disabled toilets, started out as a tangent; another person said something like "transgender people might use the disabled toilets too because they feel more comfortable there than in the ladies' or the men's," a fairly neutral comment potentially but I kinda wanted to nip that in the bud (especially with rampant TERFery meaning we have to talk about toilets a-fucking-gain (UK people please respond to the consultation trying to take away toilets and therefore public life from many people, cis and trans)). I said something like "that's me, I'm trans, and I have suggestions about how we can be inclusive" which the person running the meeting seemed kinda surprised by but very positive about.
So I explained my suggestions, including thinking of and labeling them as accessible toilets rather than disabled toilets, and since we'd already reached a consensus on making it explicit that not all disabilities, I sort of briefly alluded to the social model of disability (without calling it that in case the terminology was unfamiliar enough to be offputting to anyone there) and explained that in the same way as we're disabled not (just) by our impairments but how society treats us as disabled people, trans people also have problems that aren't inherent to them but based on how society treats them, etc. There were positive noises and no one argued, which was a relief.
I'd already emailed the organizer because I had such a hard time getting Teams to work (fucking Teams! I hate it! Zoom is so bad but yet somehow it's the least bad?!) that I was about fifteen minutes late to the meeting, so I emailed her to say sorry, I am trying to get it to work, I do want to be there. And she didn't see it until after I'd, obviously, joined the meeting and after I'd said all this stuff, so part of her reply was "thrilled you have been able to work it out and join, Thank you for being so honest and talking about your situation. It has been really helpful" and I think "your situation" is the best way she knows to say "saying you're trans."
It was really cute and in a way a good sign because I think I'm dealing here with a person who means well but isn't up on this, isn't comfortable talking about it. And she handled it perfectly from a meeting-organizer person-doing-a-job-about-integration point of view. So it's nice to see that can be done not just by people who are 100% Clued Up and Confident, but also just people who are new to this.
It's easy to think from Twitter and from the fact that they dominate UK media that TERFs and their terrible ideas are everywhere, but they're really not. It felt good to have a positive real-world example of that today.
[34/365] agendice
Feb. 3rd, 2021 10:34 pmMy holiday present from diffrentcolours arrived today! (No the holiday in question is not Groundhog Day, yes we both warned each other we didn't have presents for the other at the end of December, and I haven't even ordered his yet so he's still much quicker than me.)
A friend of a friend makes jewelry with dice in pride-flag colors, and when our friend shared their friend's shop photos of these,diffrentcolours must've remembered me saying how good I thought the agender one looked. Dice hold a special place for me when it comes to genderfeels anyway, because of this, so this is a great gift.
diffrentcolours arrived today! (No the holiday in question is not Groundhog Day, yes we both warned each other we didn't have presents for the other at the end of December, and I haven't even ordered his yet so he's still much quicker than me.)A friend of a friend makes jewelry with dice in pride-flag colors, and when our friend shared their friend's shop photos of these,
diffrentcolours must've remembered me saying how good I thought the agender one looked. Dice hold a special place for me when it comes to genderfeels anyway, because of this, so this is a great gift.[7/365] Cosmo
Jan. 7th, 2021 05:20 pmFacebook tells me it's a year ago today that I started using Cosmo as a name there, and that's the first place I added it.
I remember because I hadn't actually planned anything. I just spent ages trying to figure out how to change my name on Facebook and once I finally figured it out I was so excited and wanted to do it before I forgot or messed up. So I excitedly changed my name right away, and only then realized I should say something so that people knew what this new weird name was doing there. So it wasn't a gracious or eloquent announcement, heh. But that's okay, they shouldn't have to be.
January 2019 I first came out as agender, January 2020 I added a new name to my existing one. I remember Andrew noting this and saying it must be something about this time of year. I don't have any gender-related plans for January 2021, but then I hadn't really planned either of those things either! There's still time for it to surprise me, I guess!
I remember because I hadn't actually planned anything. I just spent ages trying to figure out how to change my name on Facebook and once I finally figured it out I was so excited and wanted to do it before I forgot or messed up. So I excitedly changed my name right away, and only then realized I should say something so that people knew what this new weird name was doing there. So it wasn't a gracious or eloquent announcement, heh. But that's okay, they shouldn't have to be.
January 2019 I first came out as agender, January 2020 I added a new name to my existing one. I remember Andrew noting this and saying it must be something about this time of year. I don't have any gender-related plans for January 2021, but then I hadn't really planned either of those things either! There's still time for it to surprise me, I guess!
[3/365] ornament
Jan. 3rd, 2021 10:46 pmAt the beginning of December when I heard about the Rainbow Sheep Ornament Project, that sends ornaments to trans people who've changed their names, I could immediately see the value of that. I was the kind of who made and was gifted tons of ornaments with my name on them.
But I wasn't sure whether I'd sign up myself. I don't have a deadname, just like a LARP name.
I ended up going for it anyway, and found it as friendly a process as the FAQ had been.
There are many options for colors and fonts and everything! I got a nice email to confirm my choices and ended up dithering so much (enabled so much by the nice person I was emailing, it wasn't an automatic or corporate kind of email at all) that I got what's probably a custom combination that is hilariously illegible for a blind person.
I got mine today (having been emailed again to say it wouldn't arrive in time for Christmas, which was sweet but I had to wait a bit longer to get it anyway).
The bauble is black and glittery (for Space!) and the name is in green (because it's my favorite color) but the green is much darker in person than it was on the website! It's kind of hilarious. I feel like I could sneak this anywhere without anyone knowing that it said anything, much less what it said, if they didn't know what to look for. Which, if I want to get all narrativium about it, I could argue is a metaphor for how sneakily I am reifying my (lack of) gender.
But anyway it's a cool project and I'm delighted with the result. Would recommend.
But I wasn't sure whether I'd sign up myself. I don't have a deadname, just like a LARP name.
I ended up going for it anyway, and found it as friendly a process as the FAQ had been.
There are many options for colors and fonts and everything! I got a nice email to confirm my choices and ended up dithering so much (enabled so much by the nice person I was emailing, it wasn't an automatic or corporate kind of email at all) that I got what's probably a custom combination that is hilariously illegible for a blind person.
I got mine today (having been emailed again to say it wouldn't arrive in time for Christmas, which was sweet but I had to wait a bit longer to get it anyway).
The bauble is black and glittery (for Space!) and the name is in green (because it's my favorite color) but the green is much darker in person than it was on the website! It's kind of hilarious. I feel like I could sneak this anywhere without anyone knowing that it said anything, much less what it said, if they didn't know what to look for. Which, if I want to get all narrativium about it, I could argue is a metaphor for how sneakily I am reifying my (lack of) gender.
But anyway it's a cool project and I'm delighted with the result. Would recommend.
I hadn’t forgotten about the trans questions I offered and some of you asked about, a month ago now. I just hadn’t had the brain power to answer them.
I don’t think I do now – for one thing, I’m starting this at 2am because I can’t sleep, which never bodes well – but I need something to do because, well, it’s 2am and I can’t sleep.
I'm going to start with one thatsfred asked me, "8. How does it feel to you to transition?"
I'm starting here because I was kind of stuck on something that resolved itself the other day -- I hadn't been sure at all what "transition" means to me -- without me even meaning to be thinking about it, because I read an article about transitioning when non-binary. Non-binary isn’t a label I use for myself but it sometimes overlaps a lot with my experiences, and this is one of those times. And the question of “how do you transition when you don’t know what you’re transitioning to?” is if anything even more understandable when I don’t even have a gender of any kind to transition to.
So yeah, that’s how I’ll be talking about “transitioning” as I answer these other questions.
I don’t think I do now – for one thing, I’m starting this at 2am because I can’t sleep, which never bodes well – but I need something to do because, well, it’s 2am and I can’t sleep.
I'm going to start with one that
sfred asked me, "8. How does it feel to you to transition?" I'm starting here because I was kind of stuck on something that resolved itself the other day -- I hadn't been sure at all what "transition" means to me -- without me even meaning to be thinking about it, because I read an article about transitioning when non-binary. Non-binary isn’t a label I use for myself but it sometimes overlaps a lot with my experiences, and this is one of those times. And the question of “how do you transition when you don’t know what you’re transitioning to?” is if anything even more understandable when I don’t even have a gender of any kind to transition to.
It used to stress me out, thinking about having to prove to people that I am transgender and that I am transitioning….The notion of reifying (fancy word for “making something abstract into something more real,” btw) gender rather than transitioning as such makes a lot of sense to me, and reifying gender being something that cis people do as much as trans people really resonates with me because I put so much effort (and resentment) into my assigned gender for decades. What I’m doing now doesn’t feel like more work – it’s a lot less, in some ways – it’s just the same effort better directed. And I like that what I’m doing feels like the same thing cis people are doing, the same as I felt when I was a cis person. It’s a consciousness that anyone can share with me.
I feel like transitioning isn’t quite the right word for what I do. I reify my gender in my actions every day. It isn’t showy, its components change daily…
One thing that helped me validate my own tiny transitions is the realization that cisgender people reify their gender too. There is a quote I love from a piece called Dress to Kill, Fight to Win:First, there is no naturalized gendered body. All of our bodies are modified with regard to gender, whether we seek out surgery or take hormones or not. All of us engage in or have engaged in processes of gender body modification (diets, shaving, exercise regimes, clothing choices, vitamins, birth control. etc) that alter our bodies, just as we’ve all been subjected to gender related processes that altered our bodies (being fed differently because of our gender, being given or denied proper medical care because of our gender, using dangerous products that are on the market only because of their relationship to gender norms, etc). The isolating of only some of these processes for critique, while ignoring others, is a classic exercise in domination. To...put trans people’s gender practices under a microscope while maintaining blindness to more familiar and traditional, but no less active and important gender practices of non-trans people, is exactly what the transphobic medical establishment has always done.
So yeah, that’s how I’ll be talking about “transitioning” as I answer these other questions.
[262/366] Holly Cosmo
Sep. 18th, 2020 10:28 pmI got a parcel for Holly and a parcel for Cosmo today and that meant I knew without opening either what both were.
I only realized this evening that one of the implications of applying for jobs as Cosmo and planning to stick to one set of pronouns for simplicity's sake and figuring he/him is best is that it means I have to figure out how boys dress for job interviews because all the clothes I'm used to wearing to that are really girly.
I've got a plan now, I don't need advice. I just thought it was funny that I've given myself so many things to think about for this job interview that are not directly related to the interview.
The interview isn't for anything trans-specific or even LGBT, so I'm taking it as a good sign that all the emails I've had about it are addressed to Cosmo. That's the name I'm signing mine with and the one I said I'm using on the application (I included both it and Holly but said I'm going by Cosmo. But my emails still say they're coming from Holly Lastname, because I can't change that without outing myself to my parents. And considering how many times I've gotten emails addressed to Hollie when they said Holly everywhere, this seems like a big fucking deal that they're calling me by a completely different name just because I say so, and I'm taking it as a good sign.
I've got a plan now, I don't need advice. I just thought it was funny that I've given myself so many things to think about for this job interview that are not directly related to the interview.
The interview isn't for anything trans-specific or even LGBT, so I'm taking it as a good sign that all the emails I've had about it are addressed to Cosmo. That's the name I'm signing mine with and the one I said I'm using on the application (I included both it and Holly but said I'm going by Cosmo. But my emails still say they're coming from Holly Lastname, because I can't change that without outing myself to my parents. And considering how many times I've gotten emails addressed to Hollie when they said Holly everywhere, this seems like a big fucking deal that they're calling me by a completely different name just because I say so, and I'm taking it as a good sign.
