Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness

it has been a minute since my insomnia was this bad.

It was bad that I woke up at 6am after woefully inadequate sleep and could not fall asleep again even though I was so tired I felt like I'd been poisoned.

It was bad when I slept for like 3 hours this afternoon to make up for that, thereby deciding for me whether or not D and I were going to the Midsommars gig today.

And then I felt bad for "not doing anything" today, even though I was up and dressed by 7, had breakfast and coffee, emptied the dishwasher, walked with yrieithydd to meet angelofthenorth, tidied away the bedding they'd used on the sofa last night, started the laundry, fetched and carried things for D while he looked at doing some car DIY, heated up some leftovers for him for dinner, talked to my parents...

I think it felt like "nothing," despite all that, because it didn't feel like enough to prepare me for another week of work. I felt so good about meeting a deadline for getting the first draft of a report done by the end of Friday, but now there's a ton more work to do on it -- the first task being to constructively accept the feedback of the four managers I've sent the first draft to, even though I'm so acutely aware of its failings that the only feedback I can cope with the prospect of receiving is one-dimensional gushing praise. And I can't even have my emotional-support circuits class that normally makes Mondays bearable, not unless someone who's currently booked can't go, unbooks themselves, and I can book beforehand.

My insomnia felt worst this evening. I had a terrible case of the Sunday night morbs: I'm dreading work tomorrow like I said, I felt so lonesome, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I can usually tell by 8 or 9 at night whether I'll be able to get to sleep without too much difficulty or not. I can't explain how, but it's weirdly reliable. And everything about today was telling me there will be no sleep.

I walked up next to D after having a snack and told him I was going to bed, something I almost always do. He asked me how I was and I said my brain was being a jerk. He said that I should go make a rum and coke and join him on the sofa. And make him one too (heh). It was such an unusual thing for him to request -- he never argues with me saying I'm going to bed -- that I couldn't resist.

He put something on the TV and we ended up watching the first half of When Springsteen Came to Britain, which he told me he'd found and downloaded a while ago, but I'd forgotten about it since. It was a really nice treat, seeing the footage of the Boss and the Big Man when they were impossibly young men, singing along, letting the instrumental parts of "Backstreets" knit up the raveled sleeve of care like it always does...

It hasn't made it any easier for me to get to sleep of course. But it at least gave me some nicer things to think about while I've been awake. I felt very cared for (which sometimes helps with the loneliness too).

I had to present on my work for my team and some other people this morning, and it felt impossible to pitch it at a level that would reach both the people who know next to nothing about the work I lead on and the people who have been most intimately involved in doing it with me.

I missed a section, even with notes, which I think could've made it make a lot more sense. But also my line manager sent me a message immediately to say I spoke very well? I don't get it but I hope she's right!

The meme that goes "what a week/Captain, it's Wednesday"?

I basically said both parts of that myself today, in a meeting with an equally tired and frazzled colleague.

And it was only much later that I realized.

It isn't even Wednesday today. It's only Tuesday.

First thing tomorrow morning I have my PIP assessment. It's for a review from 2024 of a decision made in 2021. So much has happened. Looking over my descriptions from both these documents tonight, I am overwhelmed.

After the assessment, I will rush in to avpresentation for a webinar with a couple of colleagues (which is actually way more stressful than doing it myself). As long as the DWP's (expensive outsourced) assessors don't keep me waiting an arbitrary amount of time for it as one of their little games, something they are known to do.

I had a dream that I missed my train to London today and it was fine.

Almost disappointed to wake up with my alarm, in plenty of time.

I was briefly tempted to just stay in bed...

Now, on my train back to Manchester 12 hours later, with two hours left to go before I get home, I can say with certainty that I could've stayed home and it would have been fine.

Busy day today.

Actually worked hard all day at work, which hasn't so far happened this week. My 10,000-or-so word report is now full of edits from the proofreader. I hadn't had this happen before but I'd been warned about it, from how many there would be to the fact that they might re-write policy recommendations (which is the whole point of us writing these reports). Which is good because both of those happened to me. It meant I was better able to spend my shock and outrage on him materially changing the content of quotes and of also making some truly bizarre and incorrect changes. He has changed all of my em dashes to hyphens! Of all the things!

Right after work I started trying to put together the new raised bed for our garden. I've done like two of these every spring for, this will be the third year now. There's only one this year but it's a chonky boy, as big as the two smaller ones put together. But of the same style: corrugated metal in curved parts that form a semi-circle for each end, and then straight parts for a long section in the middle. It all just has to be bolted together.

I did half and then "ran out of" screws/bolts (I actually found one bag but missed the other in the packaging). Which was an okay stopping place anyway as it was time to cook dinner. With no one else around I took it upon myself to make (veggie) bangers and (sweet potato) mash, with broccoli.

As we were finishing that up, V who had been very patient about all the rubble and dust that had fallen down into the fireplace while builders were busy capping off the chimney yesterday started work on the cleanup I'd promised to help with. Their OCD is bad at the moment because they're having a flare, and this had been there since yesterday, and they were really struggling with it not having been cleaned yet especially as it's time for our regular fortnightly visit from our cleaners tomorrow. We'd taped cardboard over the opening of the fireplace but heard dirt and rocks fall down it all the while the work was going on yesterday, so were wary of what we'd find when the cardboard was removed.

But I got the little cheapie Shopvac out of the shed and used it for the first time, which was an experience. It's so loud! And our masks continue to come in handy. It wasn't eaay cleaning up soot-covered rocks and dirt from a black hearth but I did my best, with damp cloths for the bits too small for the vac to pick up at the end. V was pleased with the results, and did a good job of leaving the bits they noticed as soon as we'd put the room back together -- because of course spots you missed are immediately going to stand out -- for the cleaners. It's at a level now that can be dealt with by normal cleaning tools, which was my measure of success. I emptied the vac and took the filter off to clean in the sink, making some progress but of course covering my hands and arms and torso in soot and filth in the process. I love cleaning really dirty things though. And my Bruce Springsteen tour knockoff t-shirt, with the sleeves newly cut off, seemed like a great one to anoint with the grime of Honest Work.

Just before I'd started in on this, tough, a local friend had messaged D and I to ask if we wanted to go for a drink on this beautiful evening (high of 81°F today! I also got the big pillar fan out of the shed when I got the shopvac out). Having just resigned myself to immersion in dirt and sweat (at one point I had to stop holding the filter under the faucet because I had so much sweat in my eyes it was stinging me enough to make it impossible to go on without cleansing my hands enough to wipe my face!), looking forward to a shower and an early bed, I was suddenly incredibly motivated to get through this so I could go meet our friend. My extrovert batteries that didn't get the recharge they expected last night perked right up at this, ha.

So after I did what I could and tried to keep V from doing too much more than they could, I ran upstairs, changed into a clean t-shirt (a Minnesota Gophers one thus time; wow I really am hashtag dad vibes these days), convinced D to come out with me despite his sleepiness, and I had a great time.

I got home, finally did have that shower, and now I'm in bed.

Today has been non-stop, but so nice. And I can't remember how long it's been since both those things were true at the same time.

I had an intimidating amount of stressful work to do, that had to be done today.

And I did it.

And I also tried to explain to one of the white ladies who works in EDI that language like "female-identifying" is only used by well-meaning but out-of-date cis people and TERFs, and so it's really important for the former group to distinguish themselves from the latter. Among other things.

And then I went to circuits even though I was too tired to even want to change in to my gym clothes. I kept stopping whatever I was supposed to be doing because I was yawning too hard for, like, my muscles to be able to do anything else at the same time. But I got through it! It felt so good, after last week was such a slog.

I narrowly averted myself from typing the word "Google" into Bing just now because I wanted to search for something, so that's how capable I am feeling this Friday afternoon of the deep thinking work I need to do right now with "flow state" levels of focus and concentration.

I'm also being micromanaged to bell and back this week -- three times now, my boss has asked me if I've written an email or called someone and then sent me another message about it while I was writing up whatever the result of the call/email was. And I have a meeting with him last thing this afternoon, where I have to tell him what I did today.

Which mostly continues to be "have no idea how to use Excel to do the stuff that needs to be done," because data analysis is not my job!

I was charmed to hear this morning that one of my teammates, in editing a very important document, apparently had my voice in her head telling her things I've previously said about how to make the paragraph structure better.

(The specific advice was nothing special -- I didn't even remember saying it until she told us what it was.)

You never know what about you might stick in people's heads and help them when you're not even around.

By a quarter to three this afternoon, I had to add the eighth meeting to my calendar for today.

(But the real terror has been in my emails. It's not impostor syndrome any more if you've actually been found surprisingly inadequate at the thing you were worried you weren't good enough to do!)

The inaccessible train ticket app we have to use for work has logged me out on my phone. Making two wrong attempts to log back in has gotten me locked out for "too many failed attempts." Two is not very many failed attempts! I need to be logged in before I leave the house at like 6:30am tomorrow when I'm going to Newcastle, because that app on that phone is the only way I can access my ticket!

I got as far as typing in the password correctly, being sent a code, not being able to copy and paste the code (which would be bad enough itself but any time I forget this isn't allowed on my phone and try, it doesn't just not work, it actually pastes the sentence "Your organization's data cannot be copied," which makes me angry at being scolded and then I still have to delete the scold! Which just adds to the inaccessibility)... And even though I put the code in immediately, the app said my session had timed out.

(I have since been able to log in. Phew. But I'm so sick of "security" like this.)

I am trying to write a presentation for an important thing I have been invited to speak at next week.

I am finding it very difficult.

I am having problems ranging from "does anyone know where I can find our PowerPoint template" to "my mom is convinced I won't be at work next Thursday because I will be at/on my way to my grandma's funeral by then."