[7/366] flowers and pronouns and Cosmo

[cosmolinguist]

7 In the U.S., each state has a “state flower.” If you’re in the U.S., what is your state flower?

Pink and white lady slipper, also known as the "showy lady slipper" apparently which is hilarious to me because nothing is less Minnesotan than a showy lady.



It just occurred to me that while I've known this fact since childhood in a pointless-trivia kind of way, I didn't think I'd ever seen one. The website tells me it's one of Minnesota's rarest wildflowers. So I guess that'd explain why! Also why I don't feel any attachment to it and it's just a trivia answer.

I realized this morning that I was doing so badly yesterday I didn't even answer the question.

6 Tell about an “Aha!” moment you’ve had.

I have little ones all the time. A couple days ago I was once again wondering if, despite my continuing lack of attachment to any pronouns, I should start telling people to use "they" about me because I am sad at how often I'm still ending up on friends' mental lists of women rather than the mental lists of people who aren't cis. But I was anxious about it because I really deeply feel like "they" is no better for me than any other pronoun, so it'd kind of be a lie, and it'd mean that everyone who defaults to "she" for me, which is everyone, would feel like they fucked up if they called me she and I dont think they have! But then I wondered if I was too worried about them at the expense of not being worried enough about myself.

So I got myself all tangled up.

So it's lucky I had a friend to say, basically, hey actually the default should be "they," like it should be for anyone for whom a specific gender isn't known. The default isn't "she," even for me.

It's a bit arcane and probably boring, but it was a genuine little "aha" for me and it made me feel better.

--

I think my brain is using gender noodling as a fairly harmless way to distract me from some more harmful habits of thought lately. Because today I also decided to change my name on social media...or rather, add to it.

I'm thinking of Cosmo as kind of like a middle name now, I'm not getting rid of Holly and it's still a perfectly good thing to call me. (My middle name, on the other hand, I've never liked and am delighted to replace.) But Cosmo is good too!

It started as a joke when someone said she was watching movies from the 1930s and more people should be called Cosmo (because of Singin' in the Rain) and I said now I wanted to change my name to Cosmo. Along the lines of "that'd be a good t-shirt/band name/etc." (and it isn't the first time I've found a name better than my name, including that of soeone who thinks my email is her email! also a trans friend of mine, when she was still an egg, adopted my non-existent married name Holly Hickey for a while in a similar "haha I'll just have this joke name!" way so I feel like this is totally one of my Things).

Because I'm always saying things like this on a whim I didn't think much of it. But this one didn't go away; since then it's been rattling around my head and today it suddenly really wanted to get out of my head into the real world.

Putting it on Facebook especially made it seem like the real world because most of the people I actually know are there (and it gets me away from my wallet name there, which is something I'd been wanting to do anyway). And the response has been really sweet and heartwarming. I'm delighted to hear people apparently think it's a name that suits me.

tl;dr: Hi you can call me Cosmo, but you can also still call me Holly. Both of them are my names.

Comments

[redbird]

I just looked up the state flower of Massachusetts, which turns out to be the mayflower (aka trailing arbutus).

[cosmolinguist]

It looks very nice, from the pictures I just googled. :)

[sfred]

Interesting! In the UK, mayflower=hawthorn.

[cosmolinguist]

Ooh, I didn't know that.

[wolby]

I'm not agender (closer to the opposite, whatever that is; it's funny how alike those can look in practice) but I really feel you on the pronouns issue. Like, exactly this:

"I really deeply feel like "they" is no better for me than any other pronoun, so it'd kind of be a lie, and it'd mean that everyone who defaults to "she" for me, which is everyone, would feel like they fucked up if they called me she and I dont think they have!"

My "solution" for the last year or so has been to tell anyone who wants to know my pronouns to use as many as possible. This feels more honest than stating a single preference, but it's probably a lot more confusing. So I worry I should simplify to 'they,' and then I worry that I'm just conforming (lol), and round we go.

The only way I've ever managed to resolve gender worries is through action, so more importantly, congrats on making moves you're happy about!

[cosmolinguist]

My "solution" for the last year or so has been to tell anyone who wants to know my pronouns to use as many as possible.

Ahaha. Again we seem to be the same.

This feels more honest than stating a single preference, but it's probably a lot more confusing.

Exactly, and balancing honesty and practicality has been an issue I haven't heard anyone else talk about in regards to pronouns, so I'm really grateful for your comments (even as I'm sorry you're stuck here too)!

The only way I've ever managed to resolve gender worries is through action

This is an interesting idea, thanks for it.

[po8crg]

Is "he" acceptable for you, Cosmo? Or are you only comfortable with "she" and "they"? Because I can try to use "whichever pronoun no-one else in the conversation is using" for you - that can be a really useful disambiguation.

[cosmolinguist]

That's such an awesome idea! Yes "he" is good, all the pronouns are good for me, and yes feel free to do this! Thanks for thinking of it.

[silveradept]

I am glad that you were able to get untangled. And Cosmo sounds like a nice name to have.

[cosmolinguist]

I am very fond of it. :) Thanks.

[sfred]

I like Cosmo :-)

[cosmolinguist]

The more I think about it, the more I like it. :)