Touch a spider

[cosmolinguist]

It's a testament to how well done this Hyperbole and a Half on depression is that I've seen it linked to by several friends already, and not all people who know each other.

I think it's really good because it's a brave thing to do, own up to something like "I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey."

Sometimes when I'm cleaning something that's needed cleaning for far too long, I get this feeling of...kind of exhiliration at how satisfying it is, and I want to tell everybody, but I never do because I refuse to talk about how bad things had gotten in the first place. But the high is never so sweet to anyone who doesn't know about the juxtaposition of the low, and sometimes the high is just "not being a biohazard" so there's a certain amount of shame keeping me from wanting to make that a big deal.

And to see something like this, and recognize the spilled things and the wrappers of stuff everywhere, and everything within arm's reach of the laptop, resonates in that same way. To see someone (even a cartoon depiction of someone) in a situation I so regularly find myself in, in which I usually feel not just alone but the worst person in the world, alone for good reason, tugs at my heartstrings. It really does.

I'm still waiting for my latest tiny rebellion. I've forgotten what

feels like. But if I can see the trajectory for how someone got from here to there, it makes me feel better than any amount of well-meaning sympathy from people who don't know what to say. Those people do help, and I'm touched at their concern, but most them know as well as I do that there's not a lot they can do.

It's funny how one person drawing a picture of laundry on the couch does so much.

Comments

[sfred]

It's funny how one person drawing a picture of laundry on the couch does so much.
Yes. It's obviously struck a chord with lots of people.

[mammadibiba.livejournal.com]

It's funny how one person drawing a picture of laundry on the couch does so much.

This. Exactly this.

[cosmolinguist]

x

[uglybuffy.livejournal.com]

Maybe I should commission a picture of someone looking at mould on a bathroom ceiling with incessant "WOOF WOOF WOOF" coming from downstairs.

[cosmolinguist]

Mold is one of those things I find terribly satisfying to clean, actually, in just this "urgh it's gotten this bad, but look how more awesome I am easily able to make the world, with just the power of bleach!" type of thing.

[ultraruby.livejournal.com]

I totally thought of you when I saw the laundry picture, not because I know what your house is like, having never seen it, but because over the years I've heard you talk about feeling bad about not keeping your place clean enough or not dealing with laundry etc etc. I guess it stuck in my mind because it resonated with me, that feeling of not being able to control things that seem maybe simple, or which seem like they SHOULD be possible and easy because surely they are to other people.

But then also....I think talking about details of housework like that, that's also what helps people to understand what depression is and isn't - like, there's a degree of resonance, because surely everyone, or at least most people, get burdened down with chores sometimes, but...(and this is how I know I'm not depressed, or haven't been for years, and is again from Hyperbole and a Half)...usually there's a point of 'clean all the things' (or in my case 'sort your effin life out') either externally or internally triggered, where you can make yourself do stuff. By my understanding (and maybe I'm wrong here, please correct me if so) it's like depression prevents people from reaching up to the big red 'come on now, do some stuff' lever. That's how I try to understand and empathise with people who are depressed I think, and the sort of metaphor I've used has always been laundry/chores related. It really is funny (and great, and also sort of heavy) how meaningful laundry can be.

[cosmolinguist]

I think the importance of chores is multilayered, and one of the layers is that we don't think they're important (even non-depressed people, I mean). Part of their importance is routine: doing something familiar can be comforting, whether it's making a cup of tea or folding laundry.

Another is, they're very grounding. As much as I waxed poetic about knitting the other day, it's washing the dishes or cleaning the floor that makes me really feel connected to my mom :) Because she did this all the time, and these are things that, to some extent, I did all the time when I was growing up. Sometimes I catch myself humming songs she did (maybe still does!).

And a third is, I do think there is some truth in the idea that our external environment reflects our internal state. I know that sometimes even when I'm not thinking about or consciously noticing the untidiness of my own house, it's like a noise that's constantly buzzing in my brain, like a faraway alarm you only notice when it's stopped, and for me it stops when I am in the houses of tidy people :)

So yeah, it makes sense to me that chores are heavy and powerful in terms of carrying a lot of meaning in our lives.

Also I really like your metaphor of depression being about not being able to reach a lever. I do think like a lot of diseases or illnesses or whatever it's a bit like things that most/all people experience anyway (in this case, the time when things are left to slide) but taken to an extreme that is both a difference of degree and eventually a difference of kind from people who aren't experiencing depression find to be the structure of their lives.

Really kind and lovely and thoughtful stuff, G, thanks x

[haggis.livejournal.com]

Ignore me if I'm stating the obvious but my mum's an Occupational Therapist and the philosophical basis for that profession is that purposeful activity is vital for mental and physical health (and not just in the narrow "Everyone should have a job" way that that idea is interpreted by governments.) Part of her course involved assessing various activities (such as crafts or projects) to show how they benefit people (such as in long term hospitals)

Setting aside the guilt and judgements we put onto it, cleaning is active, tactile, involves skill and judgement and provides an immediate sense of accomplishment. It's understandable that it gives you satisfaction, especially when depression is convincing you that everything is too hard work. I don't suffer from depression but I notice that when I'm down, something as simple as washing up makes me feel better, whereas surfing distracts me but overall makes me feel worse.

[cosmolinguist]

I think this also highlights some of the problems housework and chores have: I've often found to be lacking that skill and judgment, either empirically (it's infrequent but not unheard of for me to just completely miss something when I'm cleaning because I didn't see it) or subjectively (feeling like I"m doing a poor job because I don't have the skills or judgment that I believe "other people" do), which makes chores a reinforcement of inadequacy rather than a satisfying achievement.

I think it's really interesting to compare something like washing up to surfing the internet; I've found this myself, and also that the longer I put off (say) the washing up to read stuff online, the less I enjoy it, because my energy is increasingly taken up with the effort it takes to deal with a) the fact that I'm not doing the washing up (or whatever else is nagging at me) and b) the guilt, negative feelings about myself, and everything else, which I think contributes to a vicious cycle regarding what I (for any depressed person's "I") can do.

[tyrell.livejournal.com]

The post-dep invincibility is interesting. With me it was more about relative size of horror - any obstacles or stresses in daily life were PATHETIC AMATEURS compared to the mountain of emo doom that hit me at one point, so by comparison I could laugh them off as negligible. This included work stress that was flooring normal co-workers.

The only drawback is that you have to have been in such a black pit of hilarious horribleness the memories alone are enough to make you laugh at any lesser trauma. So... yeah. Hitting bottom can actually help :)

[cosmolinguist]

I find that the feeling that I can breeze through things ends up being necessary to deal with everything that's been piling up while I've been feeling so rubbish (unpaid bills, missed deadlines, the life admin of calls and e-mails that need to be made, loved ones neglected, etc).

[bloodbeauty.livejournal.com]

so much truth!

[mrs-leroy-brown.livejournal.com]

I've trying to come out of A Bad One atm - missed college, haven't left the flat in almost 2 weeks, not washing properly etc, the usual - and this was like WOAH you are me. Your commentary is brilliant. I wish it wasn't, if you get what I mean.

[cosmolinguist]

Just as I wish you didn't appreciate it :) xx

[zammis.livejournal.com]

Alli (hyberbole and a half) has such a gift.

[cosmolinguist]

Indeed! I've been an admirer of hers for a long time, and it's evident that she strikes a chord with people in how phrases like "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" (or even "_______ ALL THE THINGS!" for a variety of verbs) have such currency among my friends.