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[cosmolinguist]

11 Make a list of three things you’d like to say no to.

I mean, does saying no to them make them go away? In that case: 1) fascism 2) anthropogenic climate change and 3) for-profit healthcare.

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Had kind of a shitty day. Not only did I have to go to work to make up for not being able to last Sunday or next Sunday, but it was a lot of work and I didn't plan well enough to be able to eat anything today until like 5pm. I spent a lot of time waiting for buses (seven altogether) and the weather is still horrifying: cold, windy, and there was lots of sleet.

Best of all, I've lost my white cane. This sucks a lot. I'm taking sensible steps to track it down (but the low-hanging fruit hasn't turned it up yet), I have a guide cane I can get by with, and I know how to get a new one if need be.

But I'm unsettled without it, especially because I have no idea what happened. I just went to get it out of my bag and it wasn't there. It's always there when it's not in my hand.

It's the last thing I need when I'm this tired and stressed. Even though I know this kind of thing happens because I'm tired and stressed.

I hate this especially because I hate asking places if my cane has turned up there. I'm worried people who don't know about what visual impairment is like and don't know how people use white canes will say that it should be impossible to forget it because I can't possibly get anywhere without it. I'm worried people will think I'm a fake or a joke.

No one's said anything like that but part of being marginalized is anticipating things like this. They do happen. But I hate having internalized it like this.

Comments

[otter]

Sign me up for your list of 3 things. I'm right there with you on those.

*hugs* That would unsettle me, too. I hope you find the cane soon, with out any ableist bullshit comments from anyone.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm making Andrew do the calls for me. He doesn't mind and even if that changes the ableist narrative to a slightly different one where I can't do this for myself, I don't care because I don't have to deal with it. ;)

[otter]

Again, I'm glad Andrew does things like this for you. I help my offspring with a lot of their phone calls and administrative paperwork. It's a thing I can do that they struggle with. It works for us.

[cosmolinguist]

I do a lot of other people's. :) It's a big part of my job. But when it's me, when it's something I get anxious about, I am both simultaneously keen on having it sorted out as soon as possible and prone to so much wobbliness/crying/etc. that no one could understand my voice. So these things are kind of at odds. This time I was only shaking because I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself, but the resulting uselessness at phone calls is the same. And Andrew says the same things you do: it's hard for me, but it's easy for him. So no reason to make myself do it when I don't need to. This way takes up fewer spoons overall, and leaves us more to deal with other stuff. :)

[tarasacon]

Oh. I’m glad I’m not the only one. It’s relatively easy to do it for other people, but for myself? It’s so hard to make the phone calls, etc.

[cosmolinguist]

It's not my favorite thing to do even for someone else, but I can manage it a lot more easily. It's a big part of my job now, so I have a ton of practice at it and that's helped make it a little easier. Usually when I need such phone calls for myself, I'm also busy managing an unreasonable amount of anxiety, which physically just makes things like speaking and organizing my thoughts much more difficult. And obviously that's not the case when I'm calling for someone else.

[silveradept]

I would also like those to go away if we could but say no to them.

I hope the cane returns quickly and with a minimum of terrible.

[cosmolinguist]

Thanks. I can get a new one if not, but it's only been a year since the last time I had to do that, so I'd rather not really!

[barakta]

I semi regularly leave my stick in stupid places and have been lucky I've always noticed quickly enough to go back for it... It's annoying when you can manage for $time without the aid and then go "Ach SHIT!".

I sent weasel blatting fu for the internalised wossnames. You're in the final term of a degree and have all the other challenges you are doing amazingly and I wish it was a bit (no, a lot!) less fucking difficult.

[barakta]

And I can SEE the damned stick. A former partially sighted stude of mine once told me how hard it was to remember all her objects cos she had to manually check them off in her head or aloud cos she couldn't just glance and notice missed ones like sighted people can... So remembering things is harder in multiple axes for you.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, anything I really care about (phone, keys, wallet, cane, bus pass) has a specific pocket in my bag, and I check them all the time by just fumbling for them or whatever. (That has, unsurprisingly, gotten a lot worse again the last couple days, I've been grabbing at my bag in panicky fashion so much I'd probably think I looked really weird to passersby if that was the kind of thing I cared about. ;) )

[tarasacon]

I’m sighted, but I have had periods of time where I’m checking for my possessions every few seconds/minutes. Sometimes it’s the only way I can function Out In The World, making sure I haven’t lost these things that would be so challenging/frustrating/crippling to be without. I used to have more resilience for their potential loss; not these days.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I have always had standard anxiety alongside the visual impairment, and sometimes they feed off each other; "do I have all the things I need" is one of those times.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, like I say I know this stuff happens when I feel least able to deal with it because it's by definition when I'm least good at dealing with things. But it's still been so difficult not to beat myself up about it the last couple days, because of course it's been such a pain in the ass getting a new one and it's so easy to think "I could've avoided all this if only..."