Here's my entry in the World's Most Ungrateful Recipient of an iPod competition

[cosmolinguist]

I told my parents I could use a new mp3 player as I thought mine was broken, but specifically said not to get something expensive like an iPod.

So they got me an iPod.

I have complicated feelings about this, starting with immense guilt at the expense they went to -- even getting a year's worth of insurance on it for me. I'm so much happier with cheap stuff than expensive stuff that I'm still wondering if, even though we could technically afford a new one now, I can't get another cheap reconditioned laptop because I'm used to those.

And, how complicated is it these days to use iPods with Linux? God. The mp3 player I have now may never have worked perfectly (it always labels all files and folders as "Unknown" unless you look at them in a convoluted way, and my computer used to think it was a camera when I plugged it in to transfer files) but at least it's just a memory stick with headphones; I liked being free of the worry that "syncing" and "formatting" and "updating" would wipe everything like I regularly hear has happened to iPods.

And there is how happy I have been to be free of Apple products. Someone once accused me of behaving as if I subconsciously thought less of him because he had an iPhone; I can't really defend myself against that as by definition the subconscious is doing things I'm not aware of or necessarily approving of, but I'm barely consciously aware that he, or any other particular friend of mine, has an iPhone or some other kind of swishy touchy phone (the HTCs and the Androids and everything are all in the same category in my head, as far as I can tell).

And there's that this iPod is a "touch." No buttons.

And there's how damn happy they are that they got me a good thing. Once again they've been talked into the wrong kind of gadget by someone at Best Buy, probably on commission. "Someone's going to have a nice Christmas," I'm told the sales assistant simpered at my parents. And I did, but it still feels like in spite of and not because of this.

And they got me a case for it (which I actually opened first and mistakenly thought might be a hard case for my Blackberry, which would really come in handy as I actually use that and keep dropping the damn thing and it's already going wonky ten months before my contract is up), a pink one. And this time whoever was working in whatever store they bought this from, "Oh it must be for a girl because it's pink."

Mom pointed out it was the only one that had this football team's logo (why I'd want this football team's logo is beyond me, but I knew better than to question this; "Minnesota stuff like sports or food or etc" was also on my list and that's all that's necessary for me to be inundated with stuff emblazoned with a team that plays a sport I barely like and almost never watch; I'd have rather had anything else than that or pink, but I get both).

Also I couldn't get the iPod out of the plastic, hermetically sealed case it comes in. I tried hard not to treat this as symbolic. As indeed I try not to think that it's another reminder that my parents don't know me at all, which I will have to carry around and listen to for years and years in order to feel as though I got anything like their money's worth for it.

Comments

[tdaschel.livejournal.com]

sorry to hear about this / i can *identify* with this species of Frustration. growing up, my father would ignore my specific electronic requests, convinced that i was - i dunno - shortchanging myself with some modest suggestion when, in fact, i had conducted sometimes painstaking research on just what exactly my needs were. .. but, jeez, the BestBuy comment is no exaggeration / their staff is usually sub-worthless for knowledge and anything like "help." eh, what do you do? anyway, i wish you the best this th' Holiday season !

[cosmolinguist]

Yes, the shortchanging! I'm sure that's what happened with my parents. One of them even said something like "we looked at mp3 players, but this plays mp3s and does so much other stuff." And yeah, they totally did go to Best Buy and I know what the people are like there; it's definitely no exaggeration. Well-meaning parents who love absent children very much and have to say it with presents are the perfect marks for Best Buy.

Thanks for the understanding and good wishes; I hope The Holidays are treating you well too!

[land-girl.livejournal.com]

My parents understand me (that is, my mother understands me well for somebody with severe brain damage) but they don't give Christmas presents to grown up children. I did well this year, but one year recently I had no presents at all at Christmas, and I would have given anything for somebody to have tried to buy me something I liked - whether they understood me or not!

I hope that you find a resolution - either exchanging it for something you do like, or learning to like it.

[cosmolinguist]

I do feel crushingly ungrateful and A Bad Daughter. My parents have been incredibly generous, despite not having a lot of money.

I struggle with feeling really uncomfortable about this though; not only was I raised to be self-effacing and deflect compliments and kindness (my friends can tell you that anyone who offered me any kind of birthday or Christmas present this year was met with my negativity about how awful I am to have had no presents for them in return, even though none of them cared about that and all understood that I'd had no income all year; even as I knew I was helping ruin the fun of gift-giving I couldn't seem to stop it). I am convinced that I am nothing special and am still slowly learning not to argue with people (and their actions) that say otherwise.

Another reason I'm uncomfortable is that I know my parents are a bit lavish with presents for us because they don't get to spend time with us the other 50/51 weeks of the year, and though we've all made our peace with that and they've never made me feel guilty about moving away (as I thought they would, and as would easily be accomplished if they did try so I'm extra-grateful they haven't), but I think somehow I'd get more modest presents if I hadn't moved away, and I see this as a dissonant memento of miles between us.

I wrote an earlier, much more eloquent and interesting version of this comment which LJ ate, so please accept this inferior, rambly one in its place :)

[land-girl.livejournal.com]

No apologies needed :-)

Neither do I think you need to feel ungrateful. You can acknowledge kindness in others while still being irritated or upset by what they do.

[cosmolinguist]

It's funny; just as I was worrying that I'd overexaggerated the extent to which I really was taught not to accept gifts or kindnesses gracefully, my mom told me that a family friend wanted to give me thirty dollars for my birthday ($30 for turning 30!). She meted out this news so slowly and somberly that I was afraid it would end "has had bad news about the cancer she just had surgery for" rather than "wants to give you birthday money."

Mom told me she said to the friend that she shouldn't give me the money, and gave a severe glare to show her disapproval that this was happening anyway. When she left the room I did that "see? see! that's where I get it from!" thing to Andrew that I think happens to a lot of people when their partners meet their family.

Of course I was intensely relaxed about getting money for my birthday so I am getting better at being gracious in acceptance than my mom is, but I think I have a long way to go still.

[angeoverhere.livejournal.com]

Bah, and indeed, humbug.

Can you possibly arrange to exchange it? I'd have thought explaining that it won't work with your computers (linux) would be a good enough reason? Otherwise, it has to be said, I'd be strongly tempted to sell it and get the thing you actually *need*

[cosmolinguist]

Andrew, bless him, said as I was still trying to get it out of the case (a production that took two or three people in the end) "I'll have to figure out how to get these to work on Linux again," and he and I talked about this (I think I jumped at the chance to not have to be effusive about it, which I worry my parents were expecting, and also attempting to hide my disappointment with the pink cover, the touch screen, the expense they went to (not least because it kept me from getting more of the boring sort of presents I actually like! I'm excited about my new suitcase and my calendar; I have never felt so old!). So I think we're kind of doomed in the easy-deflection front, which is a shame, as it's such a good idea!

Wouldn't have been easy to exchange it anyway. I was considering selling it by the time our presents were all unwrapped; I felt like a bad person for this :)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Repeating what I said elsewhere:

I think I wouldn't have felt very positive about it either in your shoes - it would feel like more evidence of being ignored, not taken seriously, having my preferences and reality overwritten.

It sounds to me that of all the people involved in that gift, you were the least important.

[diffrentcolours]

Indeed. I suspect this might be a "swap it for something you like and lie to your parents if they ask about it" moment.

No idea about the synching, but I'll ask around for you.

[cosmolinguist]

Andrew said he "did something" so the tiny iPod (a shuffle or something?) he got -- I think this was when Transitive turned into IBM -- would work for me. I remember it worked, but he said there was a thing that had to be done. This being years ago neither of us remember now what it was, so it'd be lovely of you if you could ask.

Sadly I think exchanging it will be too complicated -- I wish I could just leave it here for my dad, who I think would really get a kick out of it and is never going to have a smartphone or other things that do some of this stuff.

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

I would sell it and buy an MP3 player more to my liking, you'd probably even have money left over to buy yourself other stuff as well.

I reason it this way: if people are buying you presents with good intentions, that is, they want you to have something you will enjoy and use, then it is absolutely right to discreetly sell or exchange the gift in favour of one you prefer.

[cosmolinguist]

I agree very much with this philosophy. Thanks. (And as with so many things, it's wonderfully easy to be discreet from 4000 miles away!)

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, what are the specs on the iPod? My mother-in-law has said several times that she needs a new one, I might be willing to take it off your hands for a fair price depending on if she's really serious about it or not.

[cosmolinguist]

It's an iPod Touch, 8GB, apparently 4th generation. I don't know anything else about it; the plastic box it comes in has been opened but only just; I haven't even looked at the booklets that come with it yet so i don't any more details than this right now.

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Alas, she wants a larger one. But you should be able to get anywhere from £110 to £140 for it on eBay, so that will definitely get you a decent MP3 player of another type.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_swallow/]

That does sound frustrating-- I'm sorry. I think a gift like this is totally fair game to be sold. You could think of it as a Craigslist gift card from your parents.

[cosmolinguist]

:) A very good perspective, thanks