Questions

[cosmolinguist]

What do you do when the bad days don’t stop?

What do you do when sleep is never your friend, and so never sleeping you never really feel awake either?

What do you do when all the big problems seem insolube, and all the little ones seem interchangeable so as soon as you start feeling grateful or happy that one has resolved itself, there’s another hot on its heels to replace it?

What do you do when you’re doing everything right? Taking your meds, eating vegetables, going outside in the sunshine, keeping busy as much as possible. There are moments where you feel grateful and happy and positive, but they’re too short-lived and the rest of the time they seem such a distant memory, like something you read about happening to someone else, not something you can remember feeling yourself.

And somewhere out there is nights of good sleep and days of good moods, without the dives into crushing sadness or the soaring anxiety that leaves me restless and jittery so much of the time. There’s a waiting list for counseling that I am led to believe I’m getting closer to the top of all the time. There’s a job that will be my next one; I have no idea what it is.

But for now I feel like I have no idea about anything in my life. Just lots of questions.

Comments

[sfred]

No answers, but sympathy.

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

I hope you find some answers. I often feel the same: I'm doing everything right, I have this great job, flat, boyfriend, pay my taxes, donate money to charities, why can't I be happy and content? I'm beginning to suspect *everyone* feels the same to some extent. I don't know if that is comforting or even more depressing.
Now I've probably succeeded in depressing you even more :-( Sorry. Here, take some virtual {{{hugs}}}

[cosmolinguist]

You have certainly not depressed me more! I am sorry you feel that way, and I hope my entry didn't depress you either but instead brought you some of the comfort that understanding friends can bring.

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Those questions look awfully familiar. Even matgb snuggles aren't helping today. I have no real suggestions (except take up smoking, which helps in the short term, but causes huge problems in the long term), but I offer my fellow feeling.

* hug *

[cosmolinguist]

::hugs:: I hope the snuggles start to work again. I hope the love and good wishes of even relatively-distant friends like me helps. Hell, I hope the smoking helps :)

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Thank you sweetie.

[ludy]

lots of *good thoughts*

i wish doing the right things was more effective i does and try to remind myself it is better than the results of dong the wrong things ...

Somedays i just go floomp and give myself a bit of time off from the keeping busy - it's one of those awfully tricky balance things (which i continually get wrong) ...

I'll often write more in my private paper journal or try to make pictures when i'm in that kind of state - sometimes it does help.
Doing craft-yness of one kind or another generally is at least temporary helpful and increases/extends the good moments.
And sometimes you just have to patch together the tiniest remaining scraps of optimism (or at lest non-pessimism) and keep on keeping on...

I really do hope you feel better soon

[patrick-vecchio.livejournal.com]

What do you do when the bad days don’t stop?

I try to remember that I've been in this situation before. And I look hard for a distraction: digging weeds out of my flower beds, riding my bicycle as hard as I can for an hour, going for a walk along the river where the external world will crowd the internal one out of my head, lying out on my back and watching for meteors.

What do you do when sleep is never your friend, and so never sleeping you never really feel awake either?

I find if I drink enough Bombay Sapphire and tonic right before bed, sleep isn't a problem. Plus I take a med to help me sleep. Lately, as I try to fall asleep, I've been listening to a lot of Brian Eno's so-called "ambient music." When I bear down and listen to the music, really listen, it puts me to sleep.

What do you do when all the big problems seem insolube, and all the little ones seem interchangeable so as soon as you start feeling grateful or happy that one has resolved itself, there’s another hot on its heels to replace it?

I try to remember that in this particular frame of mind, my perspective on what constitutes a problem is skewed and that I'm not asking the right questions.

Those answers cover most of your remaining questions, I think.

One thing I have learned in my battles over the past few years with bipolar disorder—check that. I mean battles with the depressive aspects of it. I can stand the highs, even though at times it's a bit like driving 15 mph over the speed limit on a winding road.

Anyway, one thing I have learned over the last few years is that sometimes I have to simply realize that my life is good. I may not be able to feel the way that I think this realization should make me feel, but it helps to at least realize it on a purely intellectual level.

Oh, and one more thing: When I'm feeling blue, I crank up the stereo and play some blues: John Lee Hooker, Muddy Waters, Otis Rush, Buddy Guy, Howlin' Wolf, and my particular favorite, the late great Stevie Ray Vaughan. Or sometimes I'll just rock out. Sometimes I'll listen to some reggae. Sometimes I'll play some air guitar. Sometimes I'll dance. But as Marley once said: "One good thing about music: When it hits, you feel no pain."

Hope this helps or, at the very least, lets you know there are people out here who are asking the same questions.

[mrs-leroy-brown.livejournal.com]

Can I C&P this? As this is pretty much what I would say, except much more articulately than my panic-frazzled brain could come up with.

Except I'd replace blues with country ;) Stick on some Emmylou Harris or maybe DBT's 'Hell No I Ain't Happy'

[patrick-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Sure, do what you like with it. And I've got no problems with Emmylou Harris.

[textivore.livejournal.com]

Dear, you know that what you need to do is get to California! Or, as it turns out now, Seattle. Her immediate reply was, "BRING HER!!!!!"

[uglybuffy.livejournal.com]

Me too. Sorry not very helpful. Am too depressed even to write a whiny post. Am so grateful I have a dog to sob into.

[zammis.livejournal.com]

I get acupuncture.