cosmolinguist | State of the Holly

Since I started working, I've started doing a lot of other things too.

Looking for a book on a shelf one day, I ended up knee deep in stuff I'd unearthed from our understairs cupboard, never finding the book but inspired by untidiness and poor organization to make things as much better as I could. I threw away broken musical instruments, stacked up dead computers to be taken away for recycling at some point, even got Andrew to help in culling a few books, and have much unburdened myself to charity shops.

I have made more conscious efforts to keep on top of household things like doing the dishes, taking out the bins, and other menial chores I sometimes look upon with despair. I slide back into bad habits sometimes but overall there is marked improvement. Anyway, the general message of it not mattering whether I hate to do something or not is good for me.

I've finally gone back to the gym, after months of thinking "but I'm too tired anyway, why would I go somewhere just to tire myself out?" and other such unhelpful nonsense. Of course I feel good for it; what I really miss on grey days isn't the vitamin D from the sun but the idea that it can be welcoming to go outside, take a walk, or whatever. The gym replaces some of that (though I keep meaning to get myself a lightbox to help with the genuine dismay I feel at four o'clock when it's getting dark out).

And I have promised myself I'll stop drinking soda, at least in the house. It's so awful for me and I like it so much. It was only earlier this week I decided this (after drinking too much on a stressful day did actually make me feel ill and then I didn't like it so much!) but it has made me feel better: I can see now how people like the sense of control that restriction diets give them, so much that I'm not letting myself think any more about what foods might be "good" or "bad." I've never had an eating disorder but, once I knew what they could actually be like, I have retrospectively recognized habits and thoughts that come close; little wonder when my culture so encourages disordered eating in everyone, especially women. But I feel there's no downside at all to giving up fizzy drinks! I did have Pepsi with my fast-food dinner yesterday (which caused me no anguish, I'd already expected to allow myself that little bit), and it was pretty delicious; I enjoyed it guiltlessly and thought no more of it, which is a good sign.

Generally, for all the bad days (and I'm writing this today partly because today is one: not only do I have time admist all my lounging around but also because I want to remind myself of the general upward trend), I'm doing really well lately. I think it boils down to the job, which doesn't mean I think ill people should stack shelves in Tesco for no money because of "the dignity of work" or other such rot, but because I'm doing interesting, challenging work in which I am respected and well-paid. I'm very lucky in that.

But that working, which has eaten a lot of my time and energy, has also inspired me to take on so many other, new or long-neglected, endeavors means that I am overwhelmed by work and worthiness, and waiting for fun to appear as if by magic (I have no energy to expend on arranging it!), but for the most part I am happy.