Extrovert

[cosmolinguist]

One of the themes of my weekend was not being able to hide my envy of other people's ability to be busy enough that they are relieved when plans fall through or they have to schedule quiet nights at home to ensure they ever get any peace and quiet...or for that matter, any laundry done.

"Well, I'm an extrovert..." was the matter-of-fact beginning of a response one of those times I expressed my unlovely jealousy. "I love the chance to meet new people."

I couldn't help but think I used to be too! What happened?

I know what happened, of course. The combined effects of undiagnosed depression, failing out of school, having my heart broken for the first time, quitting my job, family schisms (including the only time I've ever been worried about my parents' relationship), leaving my friends, disappointing my parents, emigrating, losing my brother, sheer homesickness, and the still-undiagnosed depression...

Oh but that's all a long time ago now... is always my next thought. So? Sheesh, look at that list. There are a couple of years there where I don't remember very much that was any good that happened, and it has long since been noted that I lost a lot of my up-to-that-point personality. Some of it I miss more than others -- the constant performing or listening to music was better than getting swept up in some of my friends' charismatic Christianity, for instance -- but a lot of it was gone. A lot of me felt gone.

And I've reconstructed a lot of it -- I have friends now, a good marriage, interests, skills, and work I'm proud to do -- I have retained or regained some of my extroversion: I am restless and unhappy if I don't do anything social for too long (it takes probably a couple of things a week to keep up the possibility of functioning on all cylinders).

But I don't have that drive or delight in meeting new people any more. My anxiety's a lot better than it was when I had to stop working because of it a couple of years ago, but its effects are still with me, and one of them is an aversion to unfamiliar places and people.

It's clear I'm missing out because of this, and it's really bugging me. I hope that being able to articulate this will help me get some way toward fixing it.

Comments

[sfred]

I sympathise.
*hug*

[cosmolinguist]

::hugs:: Thanks for saying so. Though I'm sorry that it should be the case.

[land-girl.livejournal.com]

Maybe, with a lovely husband and friends and family, you have enough people in your life for you? I think that there is a finite number that we have time for, and while I would never turn down the chance of a meaningful friendship, I know that, really, I have more than enough friends for me ...

[cosmolinguist]

My family are too distant, I miss them but they're a chore to interact with. My friends are usually much busier than I am; they seem to have the balance of how much they want to be doing and I feel it's better for me to branch out than demand more of them. I have a lot of friends from whom the geographical or emotional distance has gotten to be too much; it's no one's fault (or if any, mine for moving away from everyone I know) but I do feel it incumbent upon me to fix it.