neun.zwanzig
Sep. 20th, 2005 04:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cosmolinguistI've managed to retain my idleness, not graduating at all so I'm even more unemployable than my friends with masters degrees and still no job. As if that isn't enough, I ran away to another country--not to study or work, not with the student or work visas that would make this possible.
Now I can sit back and relax in the knowledge that I'm not just lazy, I'm not allowed to work. And isn't that silly and unfair and aren't governments just the nastiest little buggers?
Well, they are. But still.
I can give people deep meaningful looks about how much I'd love to have a job because that's safely untestable. I'm secretly glad I don't have to try, don't have to go through the disappointment and rejection that seems to prey upon some of my friends. I can hoard my idleness.
I've spent whole strings of days doing nothing at all really. Not reading or writing or thinking or tidying or sleeping or anything. I just don't know what happens to the hours sometimes. Doing nothing always seems like such a good idea at the time, but I end up going to bed too late and feeling dissatisfied.
I wake up thinking I should write a letter to... and Jeez, when was the last time I did laundry? and being all energetic and hopeful for the day, but then I just sit on the couch and do Absolutely Nothing, and then I'm all sad again, and that makes it even harder to do anything.
The last couple of days have been really bad. Oh, here I am at my front door, I suppose I should get out my keys. I don't want to listen to this playlist; can I be bothered clicking the mouse a few times? Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway, I don't know what kind of music I want to listen to. I'm not in the mood for anything.
I'm not in the mood for anything.
Be patient, I tell myself. It'll go away. Things will get better. You know it. And quite quickly, really. Everything will be different.
Yeah, I know. But still.
I'm stressed, of course. I'm still freaked out at the impending end of September and my lack of plane fare (though some of my friends have been lovely about offering to help, I'm still broke for the moment and still miserable about it). I don't know how anything is going to work out, and it scares me.
And the thing about being stressed and worried is that doing nothing is no good; it just gives you time to stress and worry. Yet trying to do things--things I should be doing--or even thinking about them just exhausts me and today I want to curl up in to a ball and ... and I don't know what. Not die or anything like that, of course, but ... I don't know.
Live, maybe. I want to be more alive. I know there's more. Life is not just figuring out what you can procrastinate and put off. Figuring out how to get away with doing as little as possible is such a booby prize.
Now I can sit back and relax in the knowledge that I'm not just lazy, I'm not allowed to work. And isn't that silly and unfair and aren't governments just the nastiest little buggers?
Well, they are. But still.
I can give people deep meaningful looks about how much I'd love to have a job because that's safely untestable. I'm secretly glad I don't have to try, don't have to go through the disappointment and rejection that seems to prey upon some of my friends. I can hoard my idleness.
I've spent whole strings of days doing nothing at all really. Not reading or writing or thinking or tidying or sleeping or anything. I just don't know what happens to the hours sometimes. Doing nothing always seems like such a good idea at the time, but I end up going to bed too late and feeling dissatisfied.
I wake up thinking I should write a letter to... and Jeez, when was the last time I did laundry? and being all energetic and hopeful for the day, but then I just sit on the couch and do Absolutely Nothing, and then I'm all sad again, and that makes it even harder to do anything.
The last couple of days have been really bad. Oh, here I am at my front door, I suppose I should get out my keys. I don't want to listen to this playlist; can I be bothered clicking the mouse a few times? Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway, I don't know what kind of music I want to listen to. I'm not in the mood for anything.
I'm not in the mood for anything.
Be patient, I tell myself. It'll go away. Things will get better. You know it. And quite quickly, really. Everything will be different.
Yeah, I know. But still.
I'm stressed, of course. I'm still freaked out at the impending end of September and my lack of plane fare (though some of my friends have been lovely about offering to help, I'm still broke for the moment and still miserable about it). I don't know how anything is going to work out, and it scares me.
And the thing about being stressed and worried is that doing nothing is no good; it just gives you time to stress and worry. Yet trying to do things--things I should be doing--or even thinking about them just exhausts me and today I want to curl up in to a ball and ... and I don't know what. Not die or anything like that, of course, but ... I don't know.
Live, maybe. I want to be more alive. I know there's more. Life is not just figuring out what you can procrastinate and put off. Figuring out how to get away with doing as little as possible is such a booby prize.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-21 08:58 pm (UTC)