[personal profile] cosmolinguist
I've managed to retain my idleness, not graduating at all so I'm even more unemployable than my friends with masters degrees and still no job. As if that isn't enough, I ran away to another country--not to study or work, not with the student or work visas that would make this possible.

Now I can sit back and relax in the knowledge that I'm not just lazy, I'm not allowed to work. And isn't that silly and unfair and aren't governments just the nastiest little buggers?

Well, they are. But still.

I can give people deep meaningful looks about how much I'd love to have a job because that's safely untestable. I'm secretly glad I don't have to try, don't have to go through the disappointment and rejection that seems to prey upon some of my friends. I can hoard my idleness.

I've spent whole strings of days doing nothing at all really. Not reading or writing or thinking or tidying or sleeping or anything. I just don't know what happens to the hours sometimes. Doing nothing always seems like such a good idea at the time, but I end up going to bed too late and feeling dissatisfied.

I wake up thinking I should write a letter to... and Jeez, when was the last time I did laundry? and being all energetic and hopeful for the day, but then I just sit on the couch and do Absolutely Nothing, and then I'm all sad again, and that makes it even harder to do anything.

The last couple of days have been really bad. Oh, here I am at my front door, I suppose I should get out my keys. I don't want to listen to this playlist; can I be bothered clicking the mouse a few times? Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway, I don't know what kind of music I want to listen to. I'm not in the mood for anything.

I'm not in the mood for anything.

Be patient, I tell myself. It'll go away. Things will get better. You know it. And quite quickly, really. Everything will be different.

Yeah, I know. But still.

I'm stressed, of course. I'm still freaked out at the impending end of September and my lack of plane fare (though some of my friends have been lovely about offering to help, I'm still broke for the moment and still miserable about it). I don't know how anything is going to work out, and it scares me.

And the thing about being stressed and worried is that doing nothing is no good; it just gives you time to stress and worry. Yet trying to do things--things I should be doing--or even thinking about them just exhausts me and today I want to curl up in to a ball and ... and I don't know what. Not die or anything like that, of course, but ... I don't know.

Live, maybe. I want to be more alive. I know there's more. Life is not just figuring out what you can procrastinate and put off. Figuring out how to get away with doing as little as possible is such a booby prize.
From: [identity profile] sporksoma.livejournal.com
It's your life, Holly. You can't base your life on what you see others doing. Then you aren't living your life, you are living their life. If you're not happy with what you're doing, change it, but don't change it because you feel the need to keep up with any Jonses.

Nothing *makes* a person happy. You take it upon yourself to decide whether or not you will be happy. Things can help with contentment, but things are easily taken and disappear. Jobs can help pass the time, but when it comes down to it, you are merely a cog in the great machine of industry no matter what type of job you have, be it a sold-soul position working at a huge international congolmerate or an immigrant selling fruit on the side of the road. The goal is the same: gain income which will be used to further your position in society.

Life as we know it sucks. It's hard, it's not fair, and it is filled with all sorts of wrongs that, no matter how hard you work, can never be righted. But, for some reason, whatever that reason is, you're here. If you weren't meant to be here, and you weren't meant to be now, you wouldn't. It doesn't take belief in any sort of creator or higher intelligence to realize that patterns emerge from the chaos, and every little piece everywhere is a part of that pattern; look into a kaleidiscope and watch the different patterns emerging from the assumed chaos. While it seems as if things are random, they aren't; everything is planned and planned, and has been since the begining (which is the same as the end, because everything goes around in an infinitely long cosmic loop).

And then, after you've realized exactly how important you are in the pattern of things, and that you are meant to be here, realize that there is vastly more of everything in the universe than you can ever comprehend. This is one planet of millions or billions in the universe. You are one person out of billions on this planet, right now, and billions more that have lived and will live.

You are, at the same time, the most significant thing in the universe and the most insignificant thing. And, while all that is going on, everything else is the same way.

So, you are where you are supposed to be. In five years, you will also be where you are supposed to be. Perhaps this period of idleness is a prelude to a period of rushed activity; you will look back on it with a sigh and fond rememberance, until another period of idleness hits you, and you will feel "bored" again.

Just don't feel like you have to do something everybody else is doing, or seems to be doing. You're doing what you're supposed to be doing right now. And like I told Andrew, if you guys need a loan we can more than help you out right now.

-=hugs and stuff=- I'll shut up now =)

(no subject)

Date: 2005-09-21 01:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sporksoma.livejournal.com
Oh shucks -=bashful=-
From: [identity profile] gentleman-lech.livejournal.com
I think I might have had something I wanted to say in response to Holly's post until I read this. And now I don't know what to say. Other than agree with you, of course. :)
From: [identity profile] sporksoma.livejournal.com
You could always add that you think she's a sexy hot chick and should thus do the sexy hot chick dance?

(no subject)

Date: 2005-09-20 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] comradexavier.livejournal.com

You can recall, I am sure, that I am sometimes very apathetic about doing anything. When there's nothing I want to do, I'm learning, that means it doesn't matter what I do. I can do anything—point randomly and say, "I'm going that way." I often clean hemispheres, since it's obvious, easy, and I don't often do it otherwise. I find that I usually cheer up and put on some music. And by the time I'm done I've usually thought of two or three other things that I want to do.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-09-20 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] parakleta.livejournal.com
On the topic of not having a job, you could always try being self employed. Find something you can do or make and find people to buy it from you. Sell things through eBay. You might not make much money, but it'd be something.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-09-21 12:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com
I've actually been telling her to write professionally as long as I've known her...

(no subject)

Date: 2005-09-23 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] demiurgician.livejournal.com
If it makes you feel any better, you're actually far more employable than most of us friends with Master's degrees. My education doesn't actually qaulify me to *do* anything (and yes, that includes teaching in any of the states I want to live in), and I don't have any real skills (like your technical skills, my binary-savvy friend). Plus, when they look at my CV they see "over-qualified" and "we'll have to pay her more" and "she'll leave soon anyway" and go to people without the fancy bits of paper.

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