strange melancholy dreams
Aug. 8th, 2016 07:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cosmolinguistMy brain conjured up a Christmas that conflated my family of origin and my family of choice: the partners I have, the friends' kids I'm playing aunty to...
And in the dream I watched a home video that couldn't exist, of my mom singing to me at my first Christmas. I'd have been three days old. My mom and dad didn't know about me yet. I never usually think about my life before them; it was, after all, only a month.
The smallest of the kids I'm pretend-aunty to is about a month old now. Lying awake in the dark now, wondering if my dreams mean anything other than that my mental health is poor right now (I always get the weird emotional dreams then) I try to imagine my parents getting someone like her now, and her being me.
It's something I don't usually think about. Far as I'm concerned, I'm theirs and they're mine and that's that. My mom once told me my brother wondered, when he was a kid, about why he was gotten rid of or whatever but I never did. Never have, not even a little. Even my overimaginative childhood never found any subject fodder in my adoption. It's just never interested me, and it's long confused me that it hasn't; somehow I expect it would. But it doesn't even bother me that it doesn't bother me. I don't remember anything relating to the subject ever surfacing in my dreams before.
And in the dream I watched a home video that couldn't exist, of my mom singing to me at my first Christmas. I'd have been three days old. My mom and dad didn't know about me yet. I never usually think about my life before them; it was, after all, only a month.
The smallest of the kids I'm pretend-aunty to is about a month old now. Lying awake in the dark now, wondering if my dreams mean anything other than that my mental health is poor right now (I always get the weird emotional dreams then) I try to imagine my parents getting someone like her now, and her being me.
It's something I don't usually think about. Far as I'm concerned, I'm theirs and they're mine and that's that. My mom once told me my brother wondered, when he was a kid, about why he was gotten rid of or whatever but I never did. Never have, not even a little. Even my overimaginative childhood never found any subject fodder in my adoption. It's just never interested me, and it's long confused me that it hasn't; somehow I expect it would. But it doesn't even bother me that it doesn't bother me. I don't remember anything relating to the subject ever surfacing in my dreams before.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-08-09 09:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-08-09 04:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-08-10 11:40 am (UTC)I have found my meta-children passing through what were significant ages for me has brought up stuff from my own life. In my case it was illness and unpleasant medical treatment between the ages of 18 months and 2 years so I have no clear/real memories of it but I have retained some vague sense impressions. Seeing the Smalls at that age has been healing in a somewhat bittersweet way - they were so small and vulnerable but also so very much themselves and amazing