95% of Brit Expats Sent Back to the UK for Failing to Learn the Local Language

[cosmolinguist]

From our U.S. correspondent, Holly:

"For years I mocked the Americans mercilessly for telling me my accent was so sophisticated," said some lady named Fiona, "and that was certainly something I never got back home in Liverpool! I kept telling that joke about us being two countries separated by a common language. After I was asked what 'bum' and 'chips' mean, I got a lecture about the dangers of linguistic prescriptivism and a demand to pack my bags."

"My test just consisted of listening to an earnest white Midwesterner say 'fanny pack' without giggling," a bloke called Kevin said, "and I failed. Of course! It's disrespecting my heritage to expect anything else!"

"Sure," said Alex, "it's funny to tell the Americans they're not speaking proper English. But if they start using our own rules against us and decide we have to say 'bathroom' when we mean 'toilet,' just so we can stay here in the land of the free refills and the home of the fuckoff big cars, that's taking things too far! You can't even use 'fuck' as punctuation here," he said, clearly on the edge of breaking down. "People get all upset. But...but the petrol's so cheap!"

Then he loses his battle against the sobs. "Gas," he says sadly. "I mean 'gas'! Not petrol! Don't make me go back to Milton Keynes!"

Comments

[syntaxofthings]

Ahahaha. I loved this. :D

[cosmolinguist]

I was pretty pleased with it myself. :)

There's a certain kind of pent-up aggression I only seem to be able to express in unfair humor, and this was an easy target for today's frustrations!

[miss_s_b]

You should be writing for Newsarse.

[cosmolinguist]

I couldn't do this all the time, but on the odd subject I care about it's fun. And therapeutic!

[miss_s_b]

You are V good at it, anyway x

[nanila]

Don't make me go back to Milton Keynes!

*shudder* Such a fate, not worth contemplating.

[cosmolinguist]

I've been to Milton Keynes once or twice and liked it fine (proximity to Bletchley Park is definitely a big part of this, I love that place, but not all of it). But I know it's a common butt of jokes and the kind of thing a Newsarse-ish article would say.

[barakta]

*GIGGLES*