Inconceivable

[cosmolinguist]

(an LJ Idol entry)

My parents are inconceivable.

That's what you call it, right? They couldn't conceive.

#

No one likes to think of their parents having sex.

People look at you quizzically when the subject comes up and you say "I'm convinced my parents have never had sex."

I think Andrew's convinced too; he says my dad looks like he has heard of sex and might have liked to try it once but he seems okay that he didn't.

#

It's actually a really invasive thing, adopting kids. And this after all the tests and everything necessary to ascertain that they couldn't conceive a child which led up to them wanting to adopt. Their finances were scrutinized, people came to their house to make sure they had a decent place and room for a baby and all that.

Lots and lots and lots of questions asked.

It only got worse when it was discovered that I was blind. I got a caseworker from State Services for the Blind. I think my mom was offended that they were being checked up on to make sure they weren't neglecting or hurting the blind baby, but unfortunately not everyone finds that as inconceivable as my parents do.

They had to wait a whole year to finalize my adoption (and not nearly so long for my brother's) because it is anticipated that the prospective adoptive parents will want to give back their imperfect child.

#

Yes, my parents discovered I was blind, after having me at home for days or weeks. I find it inconceivable that no one told them. The adoption agency must have known.

My mom kept all the cards they got congratulating them on the new baby. I looked at these once and thought a lot of them hinted at the hard times that people saw ahead for my parents in raising a disabled child. My parents must have thought about this too, but they've never begrudged me the fights that had to be fought.

(Indeed they could be a little too enthusiastic in those fights, believing the Mayo Clinic was somehow good for me when I thought it nothing but a torture chamber, and for a while my mom was famous for being the one who yelled at and hit the side of a (non-moving, driverless) bus. I was on the bus and she thought the other kids were picking on me. They were, but that was nothing compared to having the crazy mom.)

#

My mom said a lot of people told my parents to give me back, at first. Friends of theirs, people from church. She's never told me who they are, but I'm sure some of them still say hello to me when I'm back home, still ask my mom how I'm doing.

"Would you give your child back?" my mom says she told them all at the time.

"Well, no," these biological parents replied. "But that's different."

"No," my mom said. "It isn't."

#

Grandma P has told me a story of talking to my other grandma, M, at some birthday or Christmas or something.

"I have one real grandchild and three adopted grandchildren," Grandma M is supposed to have said to Grandma P. (The "real" one was the youngest, born ten years after me, and I never knew what a disappointment the rest of us had been to her until then.)

"I have nine grandchildren," my Grandma P said.

"Yes but how many of them are really yours?" She knew of course that at least my brother and I couldn't be.

"I have nine grandchildren," Grandma P said.


#

Lots of things about adoption are strange and mind-boggling. Maybe that's why we use the word inconceivable for strange and mind-boggling things.

Comments

[rainsinger.livejournal.com]

That was very powerful and poignant to read. Thank you for sharing. x

[cosmolinguist]

Thanks for reading! x

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

Really, really well done, minnesattva. I love the flow and all the stories that you tell so succinctly.

[cosmolinguist]

Excellent. Flow is a particular concern for me with this, so it's good to know at least one person thinks I got it right!

[cosmolinguist]

Here I thought I was being SO CLEVER but as I start reading I see loads of people talking about trying to have babies or whatnot. Oh well :) I did try to include as many other perspectives on the word as I could, and I'm really glad you liked that!

[innerbrat]

<3

[cosmolinguist]

:)

If I write this into a book though, I'll have to cut out the bit about telling people I don't think my parents ever had sex.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Love the bit about "But that's different/No, it isn't."

Love the spareness here - nice job!

[cosmolinguist]

My mom has always made this very clear, to everyone. (I don't mention my dad a lot in such things cos he's very shy, but I know it's true of him too; we're their kids -- this is perhaps why I've never had any interest in tracking down my "real" parents: my family is my family.)

And thanks; I'm glad you liked it!

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

Really well done. Such a powerful entry and I loved that last bit with your grandma saying she had 9 grandchildren.

Beautiful entry.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah for all her faults, that grandma brooks no nonsense on this point.

Thanks for your kind words :)

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

I think I rather like your crazy mom, and of course Grandma P.

[cosmolinguist]

My mom makes me crazy sometimes and I know her mom (my grandma P) makes her crazy sometimes...but whatever their flaws, they have all given me the utmost confidence that I'm theirs just as much as anyone belongs to any family.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

I love this. Love the form, too.

My Aunt Millie was my late uncle's lady friend for 25 years. She's 4'10", Brooklyn Italian, born in 1919, and (if you count Uncle Harry) twice widowed. I take her to Mass and to CoCo's and Walmart every other Sunday. Since she and my uncle never married, she's touched at how our family continues to consider her one of us, five years after his death. I told her a few weeks ago that I consider her a blood relation, and it meant a lot to her, but I was being my usual imprecise self. Blood is thicker than water, but there's that ineffable thing that makes water of mere blood. I know you know what I mean.

[cosmolinguist]

Your usual imprecise self, indeed :)

But yeah, I know what you mean. I'm glad your Aunt Millie's got you there.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

Your parents sound pretty cool, loved the story,

[cosmolinguist]

This is one of the topics on which I think they're best; I've nothing bad to say about them at all (except that they were so overprotective of me, but when you spend ten years on a waiting list to get a baby, and she's disabled, I guess that's to be expected; they themselves admitted it unashamedly!).

[zeitgeistic.livejournal.com]

he says my dad looks like he has heard of sex and might have liked to try it once but he seems okay that he didn't.

LOL.

I really love Grandma P for what she said. :)

[cosmolinguist]

This is a line my dear husband has trotted out for years and will probably keep using as it's still amusing him :)

I think my grandma was rightly proud of her reaction, when she told me this story.

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

Who tells someone to give back their child? You're right, that is inconceivable.

[cosmolinguist]

It's very strange because these aren't monstrous people. You don't have to be really evil to think this way.

I'm not from a super-conservative part of the world but if my mom had been pregnant with me and had found out I wasn't quite perfect, I'm sure no one would have told them then that I was anything other than theirs to raise.

[angeoverhere.livejournal.com]

Lovely post, thankyou. I find the whole biological = 'real' children utterly mystifying, and really struggle with the fact that my own mum is like Grandma M and thinks she only has one grandchild :-(

However, C's folks are very much like Grandma P, with a whole collection of bio, non bio and acquired along the way grandchildren.

[cosmolinguist]

I can't imagine how frustrating and disappointing it must be to have your mother think like that. I'm sorry to hear it. I don't see myself how people think this way, either; the concept of "family of choice," learned from some of the friends I have now, has been very useful to me.

[basric.livejournal.com]

Your parents were special people, but you know that. A loving tribute, well done.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, they are. I get very sentimental about them this time of year because it's a difficult one for them.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

It sounds like your parents were ALWAYS meant to be your parents :)

[cosmolinguist]

::grins::

It did give me a lot of grandiose ideas about destiny and miracles and God and stuff, when I was a kid. But yes, this I can still get behind: they were always meant to be my parents.

[belenen.livejournal.com]

beautiful <3

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you :)

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Enjoyed this. Yay for Grandma P!

[cosmolinguist]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

[soprano1790.livejournal.com]

How could they not have been told that you were blind? Wow... But yes, your parents are awesome... It doesn't matter.

[cosmolinguist]

It's odd because I imagine that was done because an imperfect baby would never get adopted. But at the same time it was made so difficult to legally finalize the adoption, and you'd think there's no way anyone could've thought the secret could be kept for very long, so why not tell people? I'd much rather have a disabled kid than an adoption agency who lied to me about something that important; I wouldn't trust them about anything then! And there should have been an opportunity for my parents to get some information and advice from the start. Maybe there is now; I dunno -- this was a long time ago! :)

[sarcasmoqueen.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing that. It always boggles my mind when people differentiate between adopted and biological children - they are all your kids!
Well done.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm glad there are so many people who find this inconceivable too :)

[shimmerdream.livejournal.com]

This was really powerful and well written. Writing about adoption from the point of view of the adopted child was a unique take on the prompt.

[cosmolinguist]

Was my husband's idea, and I thought it was so silly and off-the-wall.

And then read tons of entries about babies, and even one or two others about adoption. Oh well!

I'm so glad you liked it. I thought yours was ace this week, too.

[mstrobel.livejournal.com]

I have nine grandchildren

Grandma P rocks.

[cosmolinguist]

She plays favorites -- shes only human -- but at least she doesn't do it in a way that punishes people who can't have kids.

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I like the snips of story that all combine to be a greater whole. Grandma P wins ALL the awards.

[cosmolinguist]

The snips of story are all I know -- my family isn't very talkative -- but now that I think about it they always seem more than the sum of their parts in my head, too. :) Thanks for commenting.

[stacieann15.livejournal.com]

I wrote this to someone else's entry, but it is just as true here -- there is no wasted space in this entry! I love how tightly you write this story. And I'd love to read more about it.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm rarely economical with my words, I can't seem to do anything but be a rambling storyteller, so this is a rare compliment indeed! And all the more delightful for it.

[michikatinski.livejournal.com]

Yay on your mom for being a crazy loving parent (and your dad, too!). Poo on Grandma M. Grandma P, you said it!!!

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I love all the many ways you used the prompt here, right from the beginning.

And this, of course: my dad looks like he has heard of sex and might have liked to try it once but he seems okay that he didn't.

I'm glad you and your parents found each other-- it seems to have turned out wonderfully for all of you. :)

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

You're lucky. My parents more or less gave me back when I was in my late teens, and, I'm not even blind. We've since made up, but it took nearly two decades. How very fortunate your folks accepted you just as you are, without trying to change you into their idea of who they thought you ought to be.