Work

[cosmolinguist]

Work has been on my mind a lot lately.

The "bi/Lib Dem Singularity" that was August and September (between Prides, BiCon, Lib Dem Conference, and so on) made a hectic few weeks, and most things broke me at least a little. I missed some things (like Cumbria Pride and northwest regional ldconf), which was disappointing but I'm confident I made the right decision in not going and overall I'm happy with what I've been able to contribute to and enjoy along the way.

After Conference, almost two months ago now, I said "I'm not well enough to be working yet. I wonder about this every so often when I get restless or when I slip into the notion that the only way to lead a worthwhile life is via gainful employment (or something else inapplicable to me, like having kids or being a student)."

While I was away in Birmingham for that, Andrew told me he was having migraines nearly every day for a week. He woke up screaming once because his head hurt so badly, and finally went to the doctor. The stress of the immense amounts of overtime he'd had to do for us to be able to afford seeing my family at Christmas had increased his stress and thus his blood pressure to a dangerous level. He worked reduced hours for a while, and then had a couple of weeks off work, and now is on a phased return to work. I'm very proud of how well he's doing, and relieved that he's finally concerned enough to be more careful than when he thought he could just push himself infinitely hard forever.

He's made it clear he doesn't want to work in the sense people usually think of it; he wants to write for a living. So far his income from that is not enough to support himself, much less the both of us while I'm not-even-good-enough-to-be-a-benefit-scrounger. He's written five books this year in his copious spare time and I'm proud too of how hard he's working on this despite work and stress and other health issues and every other kind of distraction a person has in their lives.

The last time I saw my nice lady at the jobcentre was at the end of September. "Have you thought about going back to work?" she asked me. She's kind and gentle, but the only thing that keeps me from throwing a tantrum is that my body could not express all my frustration and disappointment, even if I lay on the floor and pounded my fists and kicked my legs, even if I dissolved into a puddle like Amélie.

Of course I've thought about working. I think about it all the time.

Mostly what I think is about what I a failure I am, and how I hate being dependent on other people, and how angry I am, and that I am working to sort out the benefits, and in more than two years now have made exactly no progress. I think they're right and I don't deserve anything because I'm useless and worthless, or because there's probably nothing really wrong with me. I've been depressed my whole working life, and I've worked. Why should now be any different? I've been so ill and crazy I hardly remember my first job in the UK, hardly remember that whole year. I'm not even sure I'd want to remember it.

I think about all this, all the time.

And yet I think about the money I need. I think about the structure my days are lacking. I think about having something respectable to tell my family I'm doing when I'm over there on that unthinkably expensive Christmas trip.

And then I think about the insomnia and migraines, how there's been something wrong with me practically every single day. I cry at nothing, or anything. I don't look after myself or my surroundings very well. And these thoughts chase each other around and around.

I don't know what to do.

But I'm officially off the grid now. Last Friday was the deadline for me to have completed my Atos questionnaire and sent it back. My third in a year and a half. I can't bring myself to list everything wrong with me again (my focus and concentration are so bad now that filling in the section that asks about those things takes me the longest; the irony is not much comfort).

The nice jobcentre advisor has given up on me; I haven't heard from her since she fobbed me off on that lady who's supposed to help people get back into work or training -- but it's for people on JSA -- as you'd expect -- so no use to me. I don't want to go on jobseekers' because I'm afraid I'd have to end up accepting a job I hate or that is bad for me. and in the meantime I probably still wouldn't get any money for the same reasons I'm not now. I have fallen between the cracks.

So then I thnk about getting a job. Part-time, few hours a day, something desperately easy and monotonous.

And then I think about being ill. And I think about how the first panic attacks I had, before I even knew that's what they were, were when I was jobhunting.

And these thoughts chase each other around and around.

Comments

[sfred]

Thinking of you.
Lots of love and crappy virtual hugs.
If it's any comfort - I don't know whether it is, for you - my brain gets caught in horrible circles like this too.
xx

[cosmolinguist]

They're not crappy! Still, I know what you mean. Better ones soon :)

And obviously I'd rather your brain didn't do such things as they are Not Very Fun. But yes, I know I am not alone in this.

xx

[zammis.livejournal.com]

Would being a volunteer be an option? no, its not money, but it might serve in other ways.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm doing enough stuff that more or less qualifies as volunteer work now: the bi and Lib Dem stuff I count as that.

I'm actually, as I noted to a friend, spending a few hours doing precisely the kind of work I'm talking about here, putting labels on envelopes and noting down a number to go with each. I've got as much unpaid work as I can stand already.

But it's a good suggestion, thank you :)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

I read all this.

I very strongly suspect this is not the time to start thinking about advice.

I feel for you, and I miss you.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. I miss you too! I'm still around all the time; say hello if you like :)

[bloodbeauty.livejournal.com]

sympathise so much. i'm up for re-assessment and i've only managed to do the name and address part of the form. the huge empty box that says "describe your disability or illness" just keeps staring at me. i feel so guilty whenever i read a book or watch TV or do anything that isn't difficult because i'm supposed to be. i don't even know what i'm supposed to be doing. and i'm going to have to do this every 18 months till gods know when. also it's incredibly depressing how much worse things have got since the last time i filled this out. so much much sympathy, and wishing you good luck *hugs*

[mrs-leroy-brown.livejournal.com]

Hello, I know I don't know you...but sending good vibes yr way - I am dreading the post every day now for my Atos re-assessment :(

Can you get a friend to fill in the form for you? That's what I did - it was easier to explain things in my warbly way, and then have her put the muddle into some kind of sense.

[bloodbeauty.livejournal.com]

thanks, i really appreciate it! Sending the same back to you :) i have a friend who says she'll help me so just need to work myself up to doing it, have planned to type it and then copy it out neatly.

[cosmolinguist]

I know all about the post-dread. Love from a braintwin xx

[cosmolinguist]

i feel so guilty whenever i read a book or watch TV or do anything that isn't difficult because i'm supposed to be.

I know this feeling; see if you can do what you can, don't think about it just do it. Skip the hard parts and do the easy stuff (like tick the box for "I'm fine" on all the things that aren't wrong with you and you can ignore whole sections of the form that way), that's what I started with. It's a much more manageable task, and then not having done it won't plague your free time with guilt.

[taimatsu]

I know I owe you an address. I will do my utmost to remember it tomorrow. I have actually looked it up twice and keep not getting the paper into my bag to come home with me, because I'm a numpty.

I'm sorry it's so hard and the system sucks so much.

[cosmolinguist]

I keep meaning to ask/remind you about it and forgetting to actually do even that, so don't feel bad :) I appreciate all your help. And you are no kind of numpty.

[uglybuffy.livejournal.com]

I have a small gift for you, if that cheers you up at all.

[cosmolinguist]

My life has lots of cheerful things as well, I am unfairly skewing it here :) But gifts are always cheering! Thank you!

[cosmolinguist]

I did my best to phrase this in a way you'd be okay with but figured I'd still get it wrong :) But yes, this is what I meant and nothing else; it's just that most people do think of work as going somewhere and doing something work-like. No one who knows you or knows what I say about you is going to think you are lazy or skiving or workshy or anything.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

You utterly amaze me with the amount of stuff you do so if anyone assumes "write for a living" means "sitting on your bum, waiting for the Muse to inspire you", well, send them to me and I will thoroughly re-educate them on your behalf(leaving you with more time to do Stuff).