Mes

[cosmolinguist]

(an LJ Idol entry)

Take off all the clothes I'm wearing.

This is my new trick for getting dressed to go out, when I really don't want to.

To my dismay, my depression seems to have gotten much more stereotypical lately. Crying for no reason, not wanting to leave the house... Not that it was any more fun when it was a more subtle beast, but at least I had the comfort of missing out some of the tired old clichés, right?

The cold hits my skin. It's a great motivator.

Depression takes away my ability to plan for the future, to think ahead even as far as "how will I get from this to fit to go outside?" But when I'm cold and uncomfortable, the path before me is suddenly easier and clearer. It's no more work to grab underwear and socks and jeans and a clean, warm sweater than to succumb again to the pajamas I'd just taken off.

But before I reached for the clothes today, I thought of Inanna.

This Sumerian goddess dressed elaborately before she descended to the underworld, with a turban, a wig, a lapis lazuli necklace, beads upon her breast, a kind of dress called a "ladyship garment," mascara, a golden ring on her hand, and she held a lapis lazuli measuring rod. All these things represent powerful "blueprints for civilization" (called mes). She stole them from the god of culture.

But as she approaches each of the seven gates of the underworld, she is asked to remove some clothing or jewelry, and thus her power is slowly stripped away. Finally this powerful deity is naked. And no one can leave the underworld once they enter it.

I've felt naked like that so often. Slowly my power seems to have been stripped from me, too, as I cried on my husband while I was sitting on the toilet, because the short span of time between "I need to pee" and flushing is more than enough for your world to fall apart. I've sobbed on buses and had hysterics at train stations, broken down so hard I couldn't care who saw me. I've been sent home from work early, even as soon as I turned up (and somehow that seemed more excruciating when working on a hospital ward for people with mental health issues). I have told my secrets to strangers in the hope that it would help.

After you descend to this underworld, you don't mind telling people your day was good just because you managed to eat some vegetables or go to the post office. Your achievements seem to you those of a precocious grade-schooler. Ego is meaningless -- worse, it gets in the way, because you need these small victories. My self-absorption is self-destruction. What does narcissism have to do with me? It does the heavy lifting of depression, scrutinizing me like a teenager criticizing her pimply face in the mirror.

If I were strong enough and clever enough, I'd never have had to drop out of college or lose all my jobs or disappoint my parents or date people I shouldn't or let the house get so chaotic or look so scruffy all the time. I'd never have to trick myself into getting dressed, which is such a tiny thing, such a normal thing, even babies can manage it.

Unique among the Sumerian gods, Inanna is able to descend into the underworld and return to the heavens. (I wonder what she wore?)

I lack the clothes and jewelry of the most prominent goddess in Mesopotamia... but I am able to get dressed. I am able to go to the bank and repay a favor. I am able to buy my mom a birthday card.

These are the blueprints of my civilization.

Comments

[kmusser]

How timely, today we're doing a ritual for radiant_one based on the Inanna myth.

[cosmolinguist]

I have been thinking of this intermittently all afternoon, and smiling. I hope it went well.

[cosmolinguist]

Myths, and all kinds of stories, are good for this kind of comfort. Feeling connected to something bigger or better, something older or grander, or something just familiar to other people, is a great solace.

[basric.livejournal.com]

Powerful writing. Well done.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you! It's good to have the reassurance; between the migraine I had today and the continuing insomnia, I was really unsure about this one...but it was stuck in m head and wouldn't leave, so what do you do :)

[bethanthepurple.livejournal.com]

Yes. I want to do a proper comment at some point, but right now just want to acknowledge my yesness.

[cosmolinguist]

Duly noted :)

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

I can really feel it, and feel for you.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you.

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

because the short span of time between "I need to pee" and flushing is more than enough for your world to fall apart. What a great line.

Another really strong post, minnesattva. Edgy and raw and powerful.

[cosmolinguist]

One paltry consolation to living through these things that are no fun at the time is that I can always hope to make a great turn of phrase out of them later ;)

It's hard to feel strong when I'm writing this stuff, so that's especially good to hear this week.

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this. I wish I couldn't, but I can. :(

[cosmolinguist]

I too wish you couldn't. But sometimes I feel the isolation is the worst of it, and the isolation is a lie. There are always people who understand and relate, people who can listen and support.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Wow.

WOW.

This is wonderful.

[cosmolinguist]

I will be smiling whenever I think of this comment. Thank you so much :)

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Very well done. How we cope and take our baby steps may differ but working out of the black hole is still a process. Remember, you are not alone.

[cosmolinguist]

It certainly is -- and not a linear process either, as I was just talking about to my husband. I've been through a lot of ups and downs, so I know how all this works right now and try to keep hold of the sensible things I know to do. That isn't always enough, but it's something.

Thanks for your kind words.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

I like the images you used, and your ending was tremendous.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you! This is by far the most difficult of the things I've written for Idol so far; the others were straightforward and I just had to type them out. This one fought back...particularly the images, and the ending :) So to see you say this is a relief as well as a delight.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

I really like the parallels you use between the myth and your life. Well-done!

[cosmolinguist]

Heh, I'm going to end up being Myth Girl 'round these parts if I'm not careful :) Last week: how myths happen. This week: what they're good for.

They're good for reminding us that most things have happened by now, somewhere to someone. This kills the isolation that something like depression creates and feeds on. And, if it's a story with a happy ending, it brings hope. Hope is another useful weapon to have against the fucked-up habits of thinking and behavior, caused and affected by depression.

[cosmolinguist]

That's lovely to hear, thanks so much.

I'm going to have to make sure to write about something other than myths next week though; I don't want to be typecast! :)

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

powerful words, and strong comparison between myth and reality. well done.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you; it's that strong comparison I was going for, so I'm glad to hear you mention it!

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

Yes another myth used so well.

[cosmolinguist]

I don't usually think about myths so much; I think the last two weeks have been an odd coincidence. I hope I can come up with something else for next week! :)

[genesisdesire.livejournal.com]

You, too, are brave and strong and lovely. So much of this spoke to me, it's a struggle not to cry at work. It's the little tricks that move you through, the tiny triumps that seem like the world. Eating well, putting on clean clothes, etc. Thank you for sharing this. Yes, it made me feel less alone.

[cosmolinguist]

Oh, I'm sorry about the near-crying (I hate crying at work!).

Here's to the tiny triumphs, and not feeling alone.

[uglybuffy.livejournal.com]

Please never stop writing. Currently in the middle of a "waaaaaah the house is a mess therefore I have failed at life" meltdown myself.

[cosmolinguist]

Happy to help. Will not judge mess, I promise. Either way, much love and solidarity to you.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful...very beautiful. Small victories are important...sometimes more important than the large ones.

[cosmolinguist]

It always comes back to that Chekov quote: "Any idiot can face a crisis -- it's the day to day living that wears you out."

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

That's just it- one step at a time is the only way you'll make it through.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs and hot tea*

[cosmolinguist]

Tea is a very good idea.

[michikatinski.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmmmm. Reading about this depression is heart-wrenching, but you sure make it work well here. *hugs*

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, there ended up being a lot of stuff about depression and depressing things and suchlike this week, which hadn't occurred to me at all when I was writing this but of course makes perfect sense when I spare a moment's thought. But I didn't start reading other entries until after I'd posted mine and by then it was too late to be light-hearted and witty. Oh well :)

Glad you thought it worked, that's very good to hear! Thanks for reading.

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is some intense levels of pain. I'm glad you are finding the tools to work through it. I hope you keep on that path.

[cosmolinguist]

Thanks. I've had a lot of practice (what I relate here are the highlights (or lowlights?) of years of depressive episodes) so I'm always on the lookout for new tools.

[muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com]

I love mythology of all kinds, but was unfamiliar with Inanna's story. Thanks for sharing that.

I think taking pleasure and pride in our victories, no matter how small they are, encourages us towards achieving greater and greater victories, until we're doing truly amazing things. Your personal blueprints sound pretty impressive to me, and I have no doubt that your civilization will be awesome!

Great entry.

Dan

[cosmolinguist]

Inanna's very similar to Ishtar, about whom this disrobing-to-reach-the-underworld story is also told (except in that version, there's no sex in the world while Ishtar is in the underworld, so someone is sent basically to fetch her back, and in the Sumerian version, Inanna has to ask for the help of three gods until she finds one who will get her back out and manages that only by sending someone else to the underworld in her place).

Thanks for your encouraging words! I'm glad you liked it.

[qa.livejournal.com]

Wow. Very good.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. I'm touched by the positive response to this, it's much more than I expected.

[magenta-girl.livejournal.com]

Very well done.

[cosmolinguist]

Very kind of you to say so :)

[cosmolinguist]

Little victories!