fault

I've gotten to the part of the divorce application (you can just apply for a divorce online! (in the easiest cases, which I am hoping this will continue to be) it's so wild to just fill in a few boxes and press next all the time, like I'm applying for a new library card or something; the questions are so much more involved here so how can the aesthetic be exactly the same?!) where I really wish no-fault existed in the jurisdiction where I'm getting divorced.

I don't know what to say next, so at that point I saved my progress and closed the laptop and went to do something else. It's been one of those things I lie in bed thinking about for a couple of mornings since then. Especially because the page said that like things older than six months might make the courts question why you stuck around, so "he unilaterally quit his job and refuses to get a new one," my best answer (like, the one that worked on my parents I think) is going to be about ten times too old. But it's such a big one, maybe they'd understand a little "I tried to make it work anyway..."

What else is there to say? Everything, and nothing.

by myself

Something I'm really struggling with is going to my room or something during the day. It really ramps up my anxiety, in a way I don't even notice at first and when I did I struggled to identify it. I eventually realized that I was anxious because I'm so used to it being a bad thing to be in a room by myself.

"Hiding," he used to call it. He hated it. Even if I was sleeping or like cleaning the bathroom, it wasn't like I was hiding because I have big introvert tendencies. It would (should) be fine if I was a big introvert, of course, but I'm really not. I think I'm very poor company for myself really; I much prefer to be around people. (Other people give me buttons too.)

And this anxiety isn't helping me enjoy alone time. But now that I've identified it, it's a little easier to tell myself that it's okay to practice alone time, to notice the anxiety and thoughts of "someone will be angry with me for this" as they come up and gently challenge them. It's still hard though. There is this idea that I always have to be available to other people, which is not reasonable or plausible or expected by these people around me.

[26/365] well you're never gonna get it

For the second day in a row I've failed to nap. I also slept like garbage again last night. I'm so tired it was a real struggle to do some concentrated thought for like half an hour on something time-sensitive this afternoon.

Tomorrow I have a big meeting (the work I had to do today was in preparation), and while it feels pathetic to find a two-hour Zoom meeting such a big deal, it's the first one I've done in about six weeks (oh except one last week but I just had to turn up and chill for that one). It's a volunteer role, it's actually paid as well as being something important and the group takes participation seriously so I want to too.

I really hope I sleep better tonight.