trans things

I had to unfollow a trans FB group I'm in. I saw two posts in the same day that were about people's long-term relationships, in at least one case a marriage, being threatened by the person in the group coming out to their partner as trans.

Not because it's relevant to me, I think just because I'm really sensitive to almost any mention of relationships lately -- whether it be break-ups/divorces or even just the mention of old people having had a wife/husband for the majority of their life, I'm feeling kind of defensive about that lately! Which surprised me. Like I've given up on my chance to have that 40, 50 year wedding anniversary party like we did for my grandparents (and indeed my parents will have been married for fifty years next year and yes it sucks they don't have big families of children and grandchildren to celebrate it with, like maybe they'll get to visit me, woo-hoo...but anyway that's a whole nother tangent), I've given up growing old together. It's another way I feel that rug pulled out from under me feeling.

But anyway, since it happened in a trans group I did wonder if there was any relevance to that at all. For all I started out not just saying but really believing, knowing to the extent that I know anything about myself (i.e. not very much), that I didn't feel any more attached to any gender than any other, for all I really was blindsided last summer when I started to use and then prefer (yeah I think it's funny that it was in that order) he/him about myself, now I wonder if I'm not keeping back some truth about myself because it'd be inconvenient. Because it really would be inconvenient: even without being married I do not want to come out to my parents so that limits the medical and legal things I can do (legal things also limited by not wanting the logistical nightmare of changing my wallet-name in two countries).

So it's like I'm dooming myself to be...fractured to some extent, and maybe there is something there that I just don't want to deal with. Maybe it seems easier to be fine with my name and fine with whatever assumptions people are making of me. At least right now when I'm fracturing so many other things about my life. I dunno.

[25/365] busy day

This morning I listened to the test match (in Sri Lanka, so it finishes by the time I'm getting ready for work at noon) and sorted through a big box of paperwork in various states of disorganization. I found the things I needed and got to shred a bunch of other things. I love shredding.

Then Mal and Loa, the lodgers, had finally finished packing and went off to their new house! So we waved them goodbye (well, metaphorically in my case since Gary had leapt up into my arms, it was all a lot of chaos and emotion for my little dog to sponge up) and then I had to go to work.

When I got back, mother_bones and I tidied up my new room a bit (because I like the one that's just been vacated more than the spare room I've been staying in).

We are all tired today so we got takeaway from the quasi-American place we got it from last Wednesday for the inauguration. Which means this is the second time in a week that I've been lying on the couch surprised at how exhausted I am by the time I've had my burger and curly fries (or, as the menu endearingly calls them, "curley" fries).

It's nice to be tired because I've actually accomplished things. Bedtime soon I think.