Men

[cosmolinguist]

I did a photoshoot for the local LGBT charity a few years ago when they were looking for disabled people to photograph. And the other day, while I was in the car somewhere between Ullapool and Avimore, I got an e-mail with what looks like a similar photoshoot, this time for LGBT+ men (and non-binary people "and their allies"). And it's today and I forgot about it, but Thursday night I did try to look at the form they asked us to fill in. I could do the page of demographics stuff: age, gender, sexuality, disability, etc. But I stopped at the next page which asks

What does being a man (or being seen as a man) mean to you, and how do you express that in your own way?

What changes would you like to see in how society understands masculinity, and how do you think men can better support each other and their communities?

I had no idea what to do with these. I wandered away from the computer and promptly forgot about it until now. The photoshoot is today, it's going on now, so obviously that's not happening. And I never thought it was likely because of that timing; we're all about as exhausted and low on spoons as I thought we'd be. And that's a shame; with a cis man, a trans man, and a non-binary person who had femininity forced upon them and has only recently been able to reject that, I feel like my little family potentially is a great example of different relationships to manhood/masculinity.

Reminded of it now when I opened Firefox to look at something else, I see there's a couple more questions on the page that I didn't even get as far as reading the other day:

What message would you give to someone exploring their gender or identity — at any age — who might be looking for a role model?

What do you see as the biggest challenges or issues facing men in 2025, and what support or resources do you think men — and their loved ones — need to navigate these challenges and thrive?

Interesting questions. On the way home from the gym, D gave our local pal, another D, a lift and we got talking about driving and the behavior of strangers in their own cars. We talked about how toxic masculinity extends its tentacles even there, with young men on a speed awareness course talking about being overtaken as a personal insult, and me sharing a couple of quotes I've seen from blind people talking about the appeal of self-driving cars for them being about feeling like a man because they can be the family taxi again.

Last night I brushed my teeth, flossed and had another try at trimming my beard. I felt so good, clean and ready for bed.

In one way I'm like man I've added another body-maintenance chore?! but it's totally worth it because the feeling of my neck being smooth because I just shaved it is so so much nicer than it being smooth because hair never grew there in the first place. Somehow this is about being a man (even though facial hair is not necessary or sufficient to be one).

I laid awake a long time after I went to bed, but I spent some of that time smelling the remnant of shaving cream my brain still associates with D, and grinning. As I lay there and thought about it more, about how negatively I'm used to hearing shaving being talked about because almost everyone I know who talks about it is transfem, has skin or other attributes which are particularly sensitive to the physical necessities of shaving, or both. And just the sentence that society expects men not to care/try/whatever when it comes to appearance or grooming (that's why a whole word had to be invented for metrosexuals!) But it only now occurs to me that I was actually much more likely to be scruffy/smelly/whatever as a girl or woman, because I was so uncomfortable in my body, mentally detaching myself from it as much as possible, and extremely put off by all of the options for appearance or grooming that were available to me in that gender role. Now I feel like I'm more successful at being well-groomed just because it's more fun or appealing, more satisfying or soothing. Somehow this is about being a man too.

Comments

[otter]

<3

[labelleizzy]

I'm femme-ish nonbinary, gender nonconforming pretty much my whole life... Menopause has been great in many ways but I do not like all the long firm chin and jowl hairs that I've been getting since I turned forty (ish?)

I remember talking about it here (or LJ) and being annoyed by them and annoyed by plucking them ... Got a surprisingly virulent comment from someone who insisted that nobody HAS to pluck their chin hairs how dare I say that everyone did!

(I didn't say that, actually, but in under a year I learned that friend was transitioning from enby to male and then the comment made much more sense)

Masculinity needs a wider sense of its own history, there's wide and deep and varied ways people have expressed their gender on that end of the spectrum, and many are beautiful, creative, and playful.

[cosmolinguist]

Menopause has been great in many ways

I've heard this from so many uterus-havers the last couple years! I love this for all my friends/acquaintances who are finding at least some aspects of it to be positive or even neutral, because I was raised hearing about it only as a miserable and mysterious inevitability.

a surprisingly virulent comment from someone who insisted that nobody HAS to pluck their chin hairs

I'm sorry your friend wasn't able to allow you your annoyance at a thing your own body was doing. Very valid to be annoyed by both the existence and the removal of facial hair! All emotions are good emotions, but not all actions resulting from them are good.

Masculinity needs a wider sense of its own history, there's wide and deep and varied ways people have expressed their gender on that end of the spectrum, and many are beautiful, creative, and playful.

So true! This is what I wish I'd been able to say in that form if I'd filled it out in time, heh.

[sfred]

<3

[silveradept]

If being a man were a wide and expansive place, somewhere that I could comfortably find myself, I might have stayed there, but there are so many aspects of "be a man" that leave no room for the disabled, the neurodivergent, the sensitive, and all the other ways that aren't about an attitude of strength and invulnerability.