How *am* I doing, anyway?

[cosmolinguist]

Counseling after work today was about how I'm doing well in some ways -- I said I'm finally getting that much-needed holiday, we'll be away for nine days; she asked me how long it's been since I had that long a vacation; I said I didn't know if I ever had. (Turns out I probably have, but the fact that I legitimately couldn't think of any of those occasions is indicative (and that's partly because they're trips back to Minnesota and visiting family isn't really time off).)

So I talked about how fortunate I feel that I have the stability to do that: this is the first time I've had the money and the ability to have time off; before I either had time or money but never both at the same time.

But I also talked about how badly I spiraled on Saturday when some gloomy news about the Twins of all things. (tl;dr: billionaires ruin everything. The hope that things would improve when the team sold to different billionaires has been snatched away; the current ones are keeping the team and it's very clear they're going to starve it of funds -- bad teams make more money than good teams and this family believes they need money right now. They don't share the view that beat writers and podcasters and fans of the team have which is that a sportsball team is a civic institution; for them it's just a way to make money. Like Gleeman started his article the other day, "It's hope that hurts the most." Or as I learned it from English pals: "I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.") I was like I don't have a dog any more, awful things are happening in the country I'm from, I couldn't go back for my grandma's funeral or my family, work has been so stressful all year, I can't even manage to organize a hookup...and now I can't even have baseball as a little fun escapist thing??

So am I doing pretty good or pretty bad?? I feel bad about feeling bad, being aware that my bad-feelings are floating on a sea of basic-okayness and worrying that I'm being insufficiently grateful for it. But my counselor said that it's not like one is true and one is false; both can be valid.

I guess it's part of leveling up Maslow's hierarchy: once you get the basic shit sorted out you do start caring more about that higher-level shit. I didn't expect that to happen automatically; indeed against my will but it seems to have. I don't want to lose track of the fulfilment I do have. But also basic stuff isn't taking up all my time/mental capacity any more so I have to figure out what else to do with my adult life.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

You're doing OK. You need a Proper Holiday (which you're going to get), and some time away being looked after. Now I know where your recipe file is, I can do some more of your preferred foods which may help with the feeling of 'looked after'. There's underlying shit, which is coming to the surface as the Twins stuff, and there's overlying shit (ableism, transphobia) which is why you need the holiday. But you're fundamentally stable at the moment, and that's not to be sniffed at. You're able to connect with people, and help people, and that can give meaning to life when you feel a bit flaily, IYSWIM

[cosmolinguist]

I do see. You are wise and a good friend, thank you.

[barakta]

I can't say it better than angelofthenorth who I'm guessing from context here is your host for some of this VERY well deserved holiday of yours.

[cosmolinguist]

She's our current housemate (staying here because she needed to get out of a bad living situation).

[barakta]

Ah, I hope things improve for her. Glad you have such a lovely housemate who I've seen mentioning cooking for the house a lot. Wonder house continuing to be wonderful!

[angelofthenorth]

Awww *blush* Thank you.

Things improved immeasurably when Mr Smith and I moved into the WonderHouse

[cosmolinguist]

It worked so well for me, I'm glad it's working for you too.

[silveradept]

There is that, the "if I have managed the basics, then I should feel happier, and it feels odd and wrong to go "but there's apparently more to happiness than this." And watching billionaires make money by making people unhappy is not something that makes the rest of us ant happier. (As is missing Gary, and watching terrible politicians be terrible.)