[323/365] out

[cosmolinguist]

Tonight's bi social was its usual mix of very silly things -- must waffles be sweet or can they be savory? why does everyone use the specific word "terrifying" to describe that drawing of a lion? -- and actual serious conversation about the kind of stuff that brings us together. Specifically today I ended up talking to someone about coming out, as poly. It's a new thing for him and he's a little taken aback by how and whether to stop saying he's just seeing "a friend" when colleagues ask how his weekend was or whatever. He's very used to being out as bi and trans, and just seemed a bit weary of another thing. I can kind of commiserate; it's how I'm feeling about gender? I've already got two Things -- "things other people don't have to think about," he called them -- I don't need a third!

I think it's one reason I never talk about the gender thing. Not much to say though: I don't really have anything to "out" myself with, gender-wise; I haven't changed my pronouns or my name, I'm not transitioning to anything. Still, a friend asked the other day if I wanted to volunteer for something that was looking for a blind "female identifying" person and I had to say I'm not female identifying and then I just felt shitty about that for a while.

Comments

[syntaxofthings]

I hear these things. Sympathies.

[softfruit]

I wonder if the feeling shitty for a while thing is about lack of grokking your gender identity, or about the degree to which you judge self-worth / value by being useful to others and there is a "you can do this to help someone" / "no I can't"?

[cosmolinguist]

Good about, because I can really be like that. But this time I was grateful to have such an easy out, because it wasn't something I wanted to do. :)

[sfred]

<3 *sympathy*

[silveradept]

That is an excellent way of thinking of them, as Things that add to the burden through their existence. They have great benefits, too, which help to offset the burden, but they're definitely is extra cost for each Thing.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I liked "things other people don't have to think about" so much as a turn of phrase, it's one reason I wrote this all down at all (it seems very confusing and not-quite-there to me, I was tired and it was near midnight and I was once again cursing my commitment to writing something every day because I really didn't feel up to it!).

Because all the thinking we have to do about them takes up cognitive time and energy that...I wonder how we'd all spend it, if we had it free. But then I do rather like spending it on thinking about how people are and how they relate to one another.

[silveradept]

I'm not sure what all that spare cognitive load would do, but it would be really neat to see.

[norfolkian]

It can be really difficult in offices as well where people can be really judgemental. In one office I worked in they lost their shit when they found out I didn't change my name when I got married - it felt like an endless barrage of questions. I can totally understand why people don't want to go through it for yet another thing that people can judge you on!