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cosmolinguistI woke up at 3am, so tired my eyes hurt to have open, but I still couldn't get back to sleep.
I just couldn't think how I could fit more than half of what I need to do today, into the day. And I know eating up precious sleep time with ruminating about it isn't going to help, but knowing that never stops it.
Around 6:30 I gave up, got up, and sat down in front of the computer. The thing I was most worried about was my essay. It needs to be done before we go tomorrow, and I had broken the back of it yesterday but there was still a significant number of words I had to wring out of my brain and I've been finding that process stressfully opaque lately.
I've really been struggling with writing this essay. I was thoroughly confused about the topic, I wasn't clear on what was asked of us until way later than I'd have liked to be, I had no feedback on the presentation which formed the basis of what we were writing about. I finally got a hint of structure in the last seminar I went to, but even then when I sat down at the computer yesterday I still had no idea what I was going to say.
And I'd been mentally facing down that (metaphorical) blank page for so long in my head that it was looking pretty scary. I have been in this position enough times now that I know I always come out the other side, but I never seem to remember how I did it once I've done it.
Telling myself repeatedly that I've done this before and I'd be fine didn't dissolve that cold knot in the pit of my stomach. I had no idea how I was going to write this, and I'd had all the help I could get and it didn't seem like enough but now it was just me and I had to rescue myself from this stress and misery. I didn't feel like I could but no one else could do it. It's such a lonely feeling.
I'm done now. I've written enough words anyway; I'm going to leave it for a bit and come back and read over it again to find the stupid repetitions and proofreading errors before I hand it in, but I'm done.
I know my friends will smile and say "see, I knew you could do it!" and I'd probably have told any of them the same, but that is very easy to say. And honestly this time I did not know I could do it.
Right. Now, time to get on with some of the million other things I need to do.
I just couldn't think how I could fit more than half of what I need to do today, into the day. And I know eating up precious sleep time with ruminating about it isn't going to help, but knowing that never stops it.
Around 6:30 I gave up, got up, and sat down in front of the computer. The thing I was most worried about was my essay. It needs to be done before we go tomorrow, and I had broken the back of it yesterday but there was still a significant number of words I had to wring out of my brain and I've been finding that process stressfully opaque lately.
I've really been struggling with writing this essay. I was thoroughly confused about the topic, I wasn't clear on what was asked of us until way later than I'd have liked to be, I had no feedback on the presentation which formed the basis of what we were writing about. I finally got a hint of structure in the last seminar I went to, but even then when I sat down at the computer yesterday I still had no idea what I was going to say.
And I'd been mentally facing down that (metaphorical) blank page for so long in my head that it was looking pretty scary. I have been in this position enough times now that I know I always come out the other side, but I never seem to remember how I did it once I've done it.
Telling myself repeatedly that I've done this before and I'd be fine didn't dissolve that cold knot in the pit of my stomach. I had no idea how I was going to write this, and I'd had all the help I could get and it didn't seem like enough but now it was just me and I had to rescue myself from this stress and misery. I didn't feel like I could but no one else could do it. It's such a lonely feeling.
I'm done now. I've written enough words anyway; I'm going to leave it for a bit and come back and read over it again to find the stupid repetitions and proofreading errors before I hand it in, but I'm done.
I know my friends will smile and say "see, I knew you could do it!" and I'd probably have told any of them the same, but that is very easy to say. And honestly this time I did not know I could do it.
Right. Now, time to get on with some of the million other things I need to do.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-12-19 12:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-12-19 02:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-12-19 07:06 pm (UTC)Ugh. Yes. This.
*hugs offered*