much complicated, negative spoons, unfixable sad

[cosmolinguist]

For some reason, I've been particularly thinking about this old thing I wrote for the last couple of weeks. November seems ever more like a month for the dead. I even saw a bunch of photos of Freddie Mercury shared on social media today and vaguely assumed it was something to do with the new movie about him until one of the photos had his dates on and I noticed that the second one was a November 24th. Even in something so utterly unconnected to my own life, I winced a little.

On Thursday I was attacking a homework assignment due the next morning, but I couldn't concentrate on it at all. I ended up reading a lot about the National Day of Mourning (I even watched a video that, except for the lack of captions, I don't hate and I usually hate video).

I wrote something on Facebook about how, much as I hate Thanksgiving, I also hate the lack of the holiday weekend. I hate having to try to do normal stuff like it's a normal day. In a reply there to a friend, thinking about what I'd just been reading, I said "It seems such a tiny mourning when there's such good reason for national mourning but... that's brains for ya." And another friend astutely said, "I dunno, it's not a tiny mourning in your life, much complicated, negative spoons, unfixable sad." Those last six words made me smile even as they nearly made me tear up (as much as I can identify a single catalyst for tears this time of year anyway). I've written so much more about the life since my brother died, and I don't think any of my thousands of words sum it up as well as those six.

I have certainly been suffering negative spoons this week. Wednesday and Thursday I missed class, I even missed work which I hate doing because I'm there to provide some quality-of-life improvements for someone else. But when I realized I couldn't even shower myself, I felt a bit less guilty about not being able to go to another place to help someone else shower. I could hardly stay awake on Wednesday, and then I got a migraine and Thursday was a wash-out too, until the evening when I went to my local Lib Dems' AGM (which at least meant an excuse for a nice meal in a pub and some time out with friends and Andrew).

I didn't finish that homework assignment, for the class with the inaccessible seminar which was the next morning. So on Friday I figured there'd be no point going since I didn't have work to hand in, but then I realized that since the topic was making no sense to me and I was utterly overwhelmed, I might as well go in and see if the explanation made any sense even if I hadn't been able to hand in the assignment.

It...didn't help a lot but I was glad I went. It did seem that everyone had found the assignment confusing, our tutor said it was one of the most difficult subjects in the course, and I honestly think our lecturer vastly overestimated how much work she was really giving us. It was the first time the TA didn't get through it all in the time alloted for the seminars: he had only talked us through two sections of the three.

I'm also glad I went because I didn't want the curse of Not Doing Things to continue because I know how easily I spiraled into "Well I might as well never go to class again" the last time I tried to go to university. It was always an early-warning sign.

Plus, I had my second appointment with Third Time's the Charm mentor right after that and it was so wonderful. I didn't have to talk about my life at all, beyond deadlines and uni details. She made me write a list of things I was going to do this weekend, and okay yes I came home yesterday and slept all evening and felt like shit so I haven't done any of them yet, but I still feel anchored by having that plan in place, and I'm confident I can at least get started today before we leave or tomorrow between work and Doctor Who. I don't feel on-edge about a vague bunch of obligations; I know what they are, and I'm confident my to-do list is sensibly prioritized because it's been sanity-checked by someone other than me.

Yeah, we're going out in a couple of hours, something I don't normally make plans to do on this date. But a few weeks ago strange_complex emailed a few of us that there are M.R. James stories being told at the Leeds Library this evening, and such an inviting combination of event and venue and company should be good, surely.

I did notice the date immediately and at first not want to commit to it -- usually I just curl up at home with a whisky and try not to bother anyone with my unfixable sads -- but going out with friends and found-family seems like a good thing to do too, even if I am still on negative spoons.

Andrew's just emailed me ticket PDFs for tonight so I guess I've got to go fight with the printer -- one way of the universe telling me I've written enough here!

Comments

[worlds_of_smoke]

-offers hugs-

[norfolkian]

I'm so glad to hear it's working out well with your new mentor - she sounds brilliant!

I hope you have a nice time tonight too - it sounds like a fab event.

[cosmolinguist]

I think she is. And yes I'm so relieved it's working this time!

I had a nice evening. Which is good because it's way past my bedtime and I'm not home yet!

[marjorie_bark]

I'm glad the university staff were helpful, and that you've got a bit of work/life balance. It's never occurred to be that sads are unfixable/fixable. I've never thought about that before.

Hope you have a good time tonight. :)

[cosmolinguist]

My friend calling it unfixable is one of the things I found most powerful really. It is. People always say "I don't know what to say" or "I wish there was something I could do" but I don't expect anything. It's just there. It always will be. Nothing can fix that.

[barakta]

We're bought up to want to and believe we can or should be able to 'fix' things. We are not bought up to recognise some things can't be fixed and all we can do is "hold space", or let someone 'just be'. We don't know what to do when there is NO fixy, no making it better, no taking the hurt away. I like the term "I bear witness" for that reason, it's an explicit recognition of what is expressed without an expectation of being able to change it, or indeed expectation on you to react in a certain way.

In many ways it links to the whole hlepy/helpy towards disabled people. People want to fix us, want to make themselves better about their discomfort about how we exist and do stuff in this world rather than being aware that we don't need fixing and need to be given space, time, patience and maybe an offer of assistance which we CAN refuse...

[cosmolinguist]

Yes I still haven't managed to find a foolproof answer to the innocuous small-talk question "Do you have brothers and sisters?" and that means I've seen every kind of uncomfortable response from people who don't know what to do with things they can't fix. Of course I know there isn't a way I can stop them from having these fixy reactions any more than I can stop the hlep. But in both cases I wish I could. :)

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks for connecting the dots between "fixing grief" and "helpiness." It's helpful!

[haggis]

Sending you love and good things.

[ludy]

Gentle Thoughts

[barakta]

Well done for managing to get to uni on Friday and seeing mentor3 who sounds like they're a proper pro, focusing on what they ought and not professionally-nosying into your personal life beyond the necessary.

Been thinking of you this week.

[alithea]

*Offers hugs*

My dad would have been 71 yesterday. Grief is hard.

I'm so glad the new mentor is working out well. Really well done for making it to that seminar, I'm really bad for avoiding things when I'm struggling too and it usually only makes things worse.

[cosmolinguist]

Yep it's the memory of plenty of times where avoidance made it worse than got me to go along. :)

Plus I think it helped that I didn't think I was going to do it, I was just planning to get to my meeting an hour later. And then I noticed "actually if I finish getting ready quickly, I can get a bus in time for my seminar." I'm not usually good at last-minute things like that, but here it meant I didn't spend any time dreading it or getting too anxious about it, and I think that made it easier for me to go.

Thrilled that mentor3 is worthwhile

[jesse_the_k]

and excellent trend management re: the hard class.

best wishes.