Uni-related braindump
Nov. 16th, 2018 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cosmolinguistI realized this morning I haven't been wriitng much here, and since I've stupidly turned up at 11 for a seminar that was moved to noon last week, I might as well use this time to try to catch up.
I haven't been talking a lot because things have still been pretty gloomy. Last time I saw him, James said that after I'd mentioned I'd been blogging for sixteen years he went back and read the first five years. (It's full of juvenile pretentions and misery; I really wouldn't recommend anyone do this!) I said I spent a lot of that time very depressed indeed and he said I didn't tend to write about it a lot at the time but when I started to feel a little better I'd say I'd been unhappy. And I guess that's what I'm still doing.
I had a few weeks there of struggling to do the most basic things (food, hygiene, leaving the house on time, walking the dog, sleeping properly). And this week that seems to be a little better.
I got a huge project out of the way yesterday, a poster presentation that got left til the last minute but that I think went well. That was such a relief to have out of the way. I'd been so stressed about it because we'd been given the vaguest of instructions -- I think the lecturer expected we'd all have done poster presentations before and I don't know if any of us had but I certainly didn't know anything about the logistics of what was expected of us. Which was tough when I was also struggling with lack of content. Because my project depended on another person who was busy with her own shit so it all got done in late nights the two days before it was due.
I stayed up past 11 which I'm sure is the mature-student equivalent of an all-nighter. (Especially this time of year: SAD is kicking my ass. I could easily sleep all the hours of darkness and the sun's going down at 4:11 today so.)
The other big thing I did this week was ask for a new "study mentor" again. This is a kind of counselor allocated to some disabled students, a person supposed to help me manage my uni work: organization, time management, keeping on top of deadlines, all that kind of thing. As the above perhaps illustrates, I both need and lack that kind of support. I've had absolutely none of that from this guy.
I think I started seeing him not terribly long before my exams last semester, and then over the summer since I was still in Manchester, and he was vaguely okay in a general sense, talking about how to manage anxiety and whatnot. But I wasn't getting any of this specific help, and now with deadlines looking near the end of a really tough semester, meeting him was starting to feel more like a hindrance than the neutral thing I did out of a vague sense it might be useful one day, that it had been so far.
Last week was the catalyst gave me the energy to finally ask for someone new. He and I usually met a particular day of the week, at 12 which was a convenient time for me because I just finished uni for the day. He often but not always texted me reminders beforehand but I'd always showed up regardless.
I showed up because I should, because I wanted help, and also because every time I got marked down as missing one of these meetings (which happened once or twice because of illness and once because I just forgot, around exam time) I get an automated email saying that if I miss more than two a semester it might get taken away altogether.
I'd actually considered skipping my seminar that finishes at 12 that day, last week, because I didn't understand what we were supposed to have done and, well, mostly because I was getting to a pretty avoidant and overwhelmed stage of mental illness. But I figured I had to go to this meeting anyway, and I planned to ask for proper specific help because I really needed it by this point, so it was important for me to go so since I had to get myself into uni anyway I may as well go to the class.
So anyway just as I'm walking into my 11 o'clock seminar, I get a text. I peek and it and find "Hi Holly. Not heard back from you and therefore not travelled in to Manchester. Hope you are ok? We can speak on the phone today if you like?"
And above that I see a text from early in the morning that I'd appearently missed at the time: "Hi Holly. Just to confirm I will meet you at 12 today thanks." Which looks to me like he's telling me it's confirmed, not asking me to confirm.
And even if he was asking me, surely he could ask again, he could ring me even, it's still an hour before we're supposed to meet so why the hell was he giving up on it already?
I don't think he lives so far away that he can't get here in an hour (I thought at some point he'd mentioned living in Chorlton ffs!).
He'd told me earlier this semester he was trying to get all his Manchester uni meetings on Thursday so I didn't think I was his sole reason for going there.
And even if I was, it was still an hour before our meeting! I'd been to every single other one, except for if I had a migraine or something at which point I told him right away, so what the hell.
I frantically tested him back saying yes I was at uni (I deleted the "of course" that I was so strongly thinking). He assumed then that I'd speak on the phone at 12 but I didn't want to talk on the bloody phone. He'd never offered that before when I was the one who couldn't make it. I guess this was another of those things that's different for him than for me.
Of course all this just exacerbated all of the stress I wanted to talk to him about. I realized by Monday it was probably time to ask for a new person again, something I hated to do but on Tuesday I worked myself up to writing an email (to the guy I'd written to only in April I see, to complain about the first person...I worried I'd be getting a reputation!) and to his credit the guy called me within five minutes to discuss it. He had me an appointment with a new person by the time I was in my next lecture, so less than an hour later.
So I met the new person today, and she started off with "What are your expectations for these sessions?" I told her a bit about the first two, told her that I wanted specific help with managing my workload, and then she started providing it. It was really great. I talked a lot about the terrible class with the terrible seminars, we talked about upcoming deadlines (one of which I have to look up, to my shame) and she was really great at acknowledging the responsibilities I have as a mature student too: with a house and a spouse and a dog and all.
She was friendly and clued-up, she was good about my partial sightedness, and I just feel so much better after seeing her. I have to look up all my deadlines before we next meet and and find out all the details I can of what's expected of me at uni the rest of this semester so we can work with good information and come up with a plan.
I'm still as intimidated as fuck by the rest of this semester and all that I have to do. But I am excited for our next meeting because I should finally be getting some help that I so desperately need. I cannot manage my time and organize myself and keep on top of things like this on my own. I know that from experience. And now I shouldn't have to.
I haven't been talking a lot because things have still been pretty gloomy. Last time I saw him, James said that after I'd mentioned I'd been blogging for sixteen years he went back and read the first five years. (It's full of juvenile pretentions and misery; I really wouldn't recommend anyone do this!) I said I spent a lot of that time very depressed indeed and he said I didn't tend to write about it a lot at the time but when I started to feel a little better I'd say I'd been unhappy. And I guess that's what I'm still doing.
I had a few weeks there of struggling to do the most basic things (food, hygiene, leaving the house on time, walking the dog, sleeping properly). And this week that seems to be a little better.
I got a huge project out of the way yesterday, a poster presentation that got left til the last minute but that I think went well. That was such a relief to have out of the way. I'd been so stressed about it because we'd been given the vaguest of instructions -- I think the lecturer expected we'd all have done poster presentations before and I don't know if any of us had but I certainly didn't know anything about the logistics of what was expected of us. Which was tough when I was also struggling with lack of content. Because my project depended on another person who was busy with her own shit so it all got done in late nights the two days before it was due.
I stayed up past 11 which I'm sure is the mature-student equivalent of an all-nighter. (Especially this time of year: SAD is kicking my ass. I could easily sleep all the hours of darkness and the sun's going down at 4:11 today so.)
The other big thing I did this week was ask for a new "study mentor" again. This is a kind of counselor allocated to some disabled students, a person supposed to help me manage my uni work: organization, time management, keeping on top of deadlines, all that kind of thing. As the above perhaps illustrates, I both need and lack that kind of support. I've had absolutely none of that from this guy.
I think I started seeing him not terribly long before my exams last semester, and then over the summer since I was still in Manchester, and he was vaguely okay in a general sense, talking about how to manage anxiety and whatnot. But I wasn't getting any of this specific help, and now with deadlines looking near the end of a really tough semester, meeting him was starting to feel more like a hindrance than the neutral thing I did out of a vague sense it might be useful one day, that it had been so far.
Last week was the catalyst gave me the energy to finally ask for someone new. He and I usually met a particular day of the week, at 12 which was a convenient time for me because I just finished uni for the day. He often but not always texted me reminders beforehand but I'd always showed up regardless.
I showed up because I should, because I wanted help, and also because every time I got marked down as missing one of these meetings (which happened once or twice because of illness and once because I just forgot, around exam time) I get an automated email saying that if I miss more than two a semester it might get taken away altogether.
I'd actually considered skipping my seminar that finishes at 12 that day, last week, because I didn't understand what we were supposed to have done and, well, mostly because I was getting to a pretty avoidant and overwhelmed stage of mental illness. But I figured I had to go to this meeting anyway, and I planned to ask for proper specific help because I really needed it by this point, so it was important for me to go so since I had to get myself into uni anyway I may as well go to the class.
So anyway just as I'm walking into my 11 o'clock seminar, I get a text. I peek and it and find "Hi Holly. Not heard back from you and therefore not travelled in to Manchester. Hope you are ok? We can speak on the phone today if you like?"
And above that I see a text from early in the morning that I'd appearently missed at the time: "Hi Holly. Just to confirm I will meet you at 12 today thanks." Which looks to me like he's telling me it's confirmed, not asking me to confirm.
And even if he was asking me, surely he could ask again, he could ring me even, it's still an hour before we're supposed to meet so why the hell was he giving up on it already?
I don't think he lives so far away that he can't get here in an hour (I thought at some point he'd mentioned living in Chorlton ffs!).
He'd told me earlier this semester he was trying to get all his Manchester uni meetings on Thursday so I didn't think I was his sole reason for going there.
And even if I was, it was still an hour before our meeting! I'd been to every single other one, except for if I had a migraine or something at which point I told him right away, so what the hell.
I frantically tested him back saying yes I was at uni (I deleted the "of course" that I was so strongly thinking). He assumed then that I'd speak on the phone at 12 but I didn't want to talk on the bloody phone. He'd never offered that before when I was the one who couldn't make it. I guess this was another of those things that's different for him than for me.
Of course all this just exacerbated all of the stress I wanted to talk to him about. I realized by Monday it was probably time to ask for a new person again, something I hated to do but on Tuesday I worked myself up to writing an email (to the guy I'd written to only in April I see, to complain about the first person...I worried I'd be getting a reputation!) and to his credit the guy called me within five minutes to discuss it. He had me an appointment with a new person by the time I was in my next lecture, so less than an hour later.
So I met the new person today, and she started off with "What are your expectations for these sessions?" I told her a bit about the first two, told her that I wanted specific help with managing my workload, and then she started providing it. It was really great. I talked a lot about the terrible class with the terrible seminars, we talked about upcoming deadlines (one of which I have to look up, to my shame) and she was really great at acknowledging the responsibilities I have as a mature student too: with a house and a spouse and a dog and all.
She was friendly and clued-up, she was good about my partial sightedness, and I just feel so much better after seeing her. I have to look up all my deadlines before we next meet and and find out all the details I can of what's expected of me at uni the rest of this semester so we can work with good information and come up with a plan.
I'm still as intimidated as fuck by the rest of this semester and all that I have to do. But I am excited for our next meeting because I should finally be getting some help that I so desperately need. I cannot manage my time and organize myself and keep on top of things like this on my own. I know that from experience. And now I shouldn't have to.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 04:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 06:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 04:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 05:59 pm (UTC)Bailing on students you're supposed to help, especially as the end of the semester looks with all its deadlines, is not a good look.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 04:59 pm (UTC)(The final year of a PhD feels a bit too late to be nagging my own uni about this. When I went to see the student services people at the start I explicitly said "I have trouble with paperwork due to my disabilities and will need help with completing anything that you need me to provide so that you can allocate support" and basically got told that I needed to do all the paperwork before they could help me. Sigh.
In fairness the PhD I'm doing is not exactly deadline-heavy and I decided to see how things went rather than die on that particular hill. But I have experience of both good and middling support from my undergraduate degree, and I know I would be doing better if I had good support in place rather than trying to scrape it together "off-piste", if that makes sense.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 06:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 06:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 08:52 pm (UTC)and also (b) GOOD SPLENDID SOMEONE DOING THEIR JOB.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-17 09:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 09:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-16 10:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-17 11:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-17 05:32 pm (UTC)I wonder if the SMS fuckery is DSA-QAG rules, so they text you and have to be able to prove it, then if you don't reply (not realising it needs reply or seeing SMS in time) then they cancel cos they can't claim the cost of your session if you don't show up (there is a new new set of rules just out which everyone thinks are appallingly awfully shitheadedly bad).
However! ExMentorMan should have handled that SMS business 386046560-38 times better tho. He should have given more SMS notice (24hrs is standard) and been more explicit that you have to reply and confirm each time (which is a massive fucking stress IMO) and indeed been a more useful mentor FFS. If they have to nag you students for everything, TELL you in small words why so you understand context.
Also so so so sorry to hear about the scary if you miss shit, it's another awful shitheadedly bad policy which again doesn't work for students and is hatefully evil and causes SO much stress to everyone (agencies and workers who can't get paid, universities AND most importantly, students).
You are doing so well in spite of epic numbers of different barriers in your way and poor mental health and this being a hard time of year. I know you have no choice but to get the fuck on with it, but you are doing more than the mere basics, you are doing many things very well. The stupid barriers like buses and tech can fuck off tho!
(no subject)
Date: 2018-11-17 07:49 pm (UTC)another awful shitheadedly bad policy which again doesn't work for students and is hatefully evil and causes SO much stress to everyone
It seems a particularly ridiculous and aggravating thing to impose on disabled people, ffs. I'm lucky that I rarely have to miss appointments for disability reasons because really it's something we're more likely to have to do than the general population!
I know you have no choice but to get the fuck on with it, but you are doing more than the mere basics, you are doing many things very well.
It still doesn't feel that way so this is nice to hear. :) It doesn't help that I've had practically no assessed work and no feedback on absolutely anything this semester yet. I'm used to having faith in myself but this much for this long is really a stretch.