Forgive the bleakness; today is not a good day

[cosmolinguist]

Weirdest thing happened the other day.

Dan and I were walking somewhere, down a quiet bit of residential street. Our chatting was interrupted by what sounded like a kid or a young teenager shouting behind us.

I'm not sure I caught the first word the first time, but he was obligingly happy to repeat it. "...FVCKERS! HORNY FVCKERS!"

I looked around. Nobody snogging behind some shrubbery or fumbling in an alley. No obvious targets anywhere, not even any pedestrians.

Except us.

Walking along, talking about something inconsequential, holding hands.

I interrupted our conversation to think out loud "What on earth is that ab-- Oh, I'm wearing trousers, aren't I." I was. I only have the one pair, post-Great Luggage Debacle of Christmas 2010, and I hardly ever wear them. The girl and teenager I was, who would only wear a skirt under duress, would not recognze me now.

Even then, even with the trousers, we probably wouldn't have gotten shouted at if I hadn't just cut my hair. A few days earlier, it went from being long enough to lie lfat and curl, neatly and girlishly, under at the ends, around my ears, to being an eighth of an inch long all over. I'd been neglecting it for a long time, and it feels really good to have it back the way I like it (though I'd also kinda like the Louise-Brooks style I used to have, my hair quickly exceeds my interest in managing it, and this is easier as well as making me happy every time I touch it or just notice the breeze on my ears or neck).

So I think the new hair and rarely-worn trousers created a perfect storm. While there was nothing explicitly homophobic in what this kid was shouting, I couldn't have imagined an obviously-mixed-gender couple, doing nothing even slightly noteworthy, getting screamed assumptions about their

And I'm kind of used to this now. It's happened to me a few times before, from someone on Market Street, walking behind Dan and I, loudly talking to the girl he was with about how he hated those gay people, they were just so sick and wrong, in a tone he clearly meant to be overheard to Andrew and I have a few lads running past us the other way down the sidewalk, shouting "Faggots!" gleefully as they went.

Even on my own sometimes I am called "sir," I am part of a group that's asked if it's on a lads' night out (and I was wearing a skirt then!), called a "nice young man" by some sweet old ladies I just smiled at rather than speaking to as I didn't want to embarrass them... and the weirdest part is the way people treat me differently without saying anything; giving me a bit more space than I'd expect on a crowded train, girls scruntinzing me when they think I am not looking, and the odd way people seem to just ignore me. As if men are the default and thus invisible (more so than I am usually able to feel, anyway). It's something noticeable to me even when I'm it hasn't occurred to me that I have just cut my hair or that I am wearing trousers or whatever that might get me misgendered, so it's not just that I find what I'm looking for; I first notice the subtle things being unexpectedly different and then start wondering why.

I used to be so delighted by these mishaps that I actually felt bad -- guilty that some of my friends, and tons of people I don't know, struggle to be perceived the correct gender, and are very upset when someone gets it wrong. It seemed an abuse of privilege to be amused at something that wouldn't be funny at all in other contexts.

But now.... I don't know if that trend is changing, or if it was just a rarely hateful and persistent example, and that it was someone on a bus zooming past (he must have been really well-organized to have time to shout it as many times as he did; as if he were looking out for people he could scream abuse at) so I couldn't turn around and confront him.

Though I fear if I had been able to say anything it would've been along the lines of "I'm not a man so we're not gay so you shouldn't say that to us" rather than -- though I am as sure of it as I am that I'm not a man -- you shouldn't say that to anyone. And that makes me feel bad too, that I'd curl up to protect myself, circle the wagons, around the fact that I am normal rather than the fact that no one should be treated like they aren't.

It seems to be a thing for us Hollys lately. While Holly Pervocracy is saying I wish I had the strength to answer every "are you a boy or a girl?" with "really, would it affect you?" because she has a lot invested in feeling attractive as a woman, I wish I could do the same thing, but what I worry about isn't feeling attractive -- because I never do anyway -- but that someone who has shouted abuse at me might, upon realizing I'm, ha, not the man they thought I was, take out their embarrassment or anger or disgust on me in more hurtful ways -- emotionally or physically.

I mention this not to make anyone worry about me -- I am misgendered a couple of times a year, and always harmlessly or amusingly until now, and I don't expect many repeats of this kind of unpleasantness -- but to remind people that privilege is the stuff you don't have to think about, and one of the things you probably don't have to think about is people thinking you are a gender you're not. It might not sound like a big deal, but people suffer for this. People die. A lot of them. The list of names read out each year on the Transgender Day of Remembrance is always heartbreakingly long (and carries with it the nagging thought that these are just the ones we know about; there are bound to be more that go unacknowledged).

As I said before when I had a brief glimpse of what life is like without feeling like I have the right to I belong where I am, "This is a huge privilege I grew up with and, as is the way, never knew I had or thought could exist, until I lost it." Now I am thinking of another, and if this is something you have never thought about, please spare a moment for it. Realize how great it is that in my home country more states are passing legislation to protect the rights of trans people, and in my current country the coalition government is seeking wider consultation with trans people and creating an action plan to better address their concerns. These things are bound to be imperfect, but they are steps in a right direction.

Which is good. No one should be made to feel awful like this.

Comments

[uglybuffy.livejournal.com]

The one time I asked someone if they were a boy or a girl (and I hated doing it) was when I was 14 and there was what appeared to be a boy of about 9 or 10 in the girls' changing room. It was a girl, but even after she confirmed it I was thinking "really??"

[cosmolinguist]

It's really interesting how easily and profoundly people feel threatened or unnerved by not knowing someone's gender. Especially in something like a changing room or public toilet. A lot of the backlash against trans rights seems to go back to the eternal bathroom debate -- the fear is that trans women (oddly this never seems to be about trans men) will sneakily try to use the "wrong" bathroom in order to attack or lech at the cis women. As zoeimogen says, "female toilets and changing rooms tend to be regarded as safe spaces and havens from masculinity."

Of course in actual fact, trans people are far more likely to be the victims of such attacks from cis people, due to this supposed threat and the unease it causes. When really I'd think it's the trans people who have the right to be feeling uneasy, facing as they do the potential for danger and violence just for having to pee.

And even more likely than violence is the potential o being challenged on whether they're a boy or a girl, something that I don't think anyone finds pleasant -- the implication being that you must be an ugly woman or a sissy man, if people even have to ask (though obviously this is less true of children, as in your situation, because it can be less difficult to distinguish....though probably still makes the recipient of such attention feel bad).

[cosmolinguist]

...No idea why I said "less difficult" when I meant "more difficult" there at the end. Except that I haven't slept enough.

[scarletts-web.livejournal.com]

Some people are just so fucking simple. Thick as mince. I wish it weren't true that in this day and age there are still idiots who think same sex couples should be abused in some way.

And I was really happy yesterday because in a restaurant on the table next to ours, were a lovely young gay couple holding hands and beaming at each other so hard that the rest of the diners were all beaming along with them.

*feels like hitting something very HARD*

[cosmolinguist]

I do think overall there's a lot to be happy about. Things are certainly better on average here than in the U.S. There will be pockets of good and bad both places, though. I'm happy that the couple in the restaurant were able to enjoy a nice time without hassle and happy that other people joined them in smiling rather than giving them reason to stop smiling.

Thus I think the danger we're more likely to run is thinking we don't need to make a big deal about equal rights for non-straight people any more, that everything's done and dusted, that Prides are a bit silly or pointless. But things like this remind us that we still have a lot to work for. All the more reason to appreciate what acceptance there is and continue working for the day and age when there are no more idiots who think same-gender couples should be abused.

[taimatsu]

I don't quite know what to say, but want to send you a *hug*. You are right, no-one should be yelled at and abused like that, and I am sorry it has made you feel down. With the good things you are doing in talking to people and writing things, you are definitely part of the solution to this problem.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. It happened a couple of days before I wrote this, so I was not feeling too emotional about it (the bad day was for unrelated reasons) but it did bother me that I was still thinking about it days later when usually I don't let abuse get to me. That's why I wanted to write something and try to create something positive -- a bit more mindfulness, maybe? a renewed commitment on my part, like I said to scarletts_web above -- out of this negative experience. I really appreciate you saying that stuff like this is part of the solution, and thank you for your concern for me. Hug!

[patrick-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Your thoughts toward the end about privilege are worth thinking about, even for those of us who haven't been harassed for simply being ourselves.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. I'm aware that in the circles of friends I have, on here and other places, there are a lot of people who think about this stuff a lot, but there are also a lot of people who have never had any reason to think about it at all. So while the former group could do a better job of talking about this than I could, I want to say something more to the people in the latter. I'm really glad you think it worthwhile food for thought.

[belladonnalin.livejournal.com]

Holly, ugh, I am so sorry that this is the world that you live in. And I adore the ways in which you can articulate the feeling of something BOTH feeling incredibly shitty AND being something steeped in a privilege that you don't normally have to interact with.

You're just ... you're a good egg, Holly.

[cosmolinguist]

Aw, thank you! It's lovely of you to say so.

I think it's because this isn't often the world that I live in that it was such a remarkable occurrence. So it's good in that way; progress is being made, people expect better.

And as for privilege I'm just getting over being wary of talking about it, still wary of doing it wrong, so I'm really glad you have nice things to say about that.

You've left me all smiley now; thanks so much.