W Sigh

[cosmolinguist]

I've just had to resign from my WI committee. Because sometimes even when you've put a lot of work into something, even when you have friends still involved doing good work...sometimes that's not enough when the bullies call you a bully, when their mental health is centred and yours ignored, when "getting along" matters more than fixing problems and getting along means meek silence from me, when some people's tears matter and mine don't.

I stuck it as long as I could, for the sake of the other good people, for stubbornness and contrariness because I know that the bullies want rid of me and the likes of me, and for the sunk cost of the work I'd already put in.

But I'm still shaking and non-functional from an anxiety attack that meant I had to abruptly leave a meeting an hour ago. There has to come a point where it's no longer worth the effects it's having on my health.

I imagine eventually I'll be relieved but right now I'm just sad.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

Hugs, that sounds awful.

[cosmolinguist]

It does, now that I look at what I've written, doesn't it. It probably sounds more awful now than it will actually be, since I am in the first throes of getting used to it. A free Tuesday evening and less responsibility sounds like quite the silver lining though. :)

[jesse_the_k]

Good on you for making the decision.

It requires profound care for yourself, which you totally deserve.

It's not sunk cost: think of how you'll recognize this shit before it gets that bad again.

[davidgillon]

Ugh, hugs.

[cosmolinguist]

Ugh indeed. Thanks.

[sir_guinglain]

That's a rubbish situation to be in. It brings back memories of committees I have known, too. Not nice when manipulative people dig in.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I think it's a pretty common failure mode of committees. I recognized it a while ago which sort of helped me see that this day might come.

[softfruit]

I know that feeling and it is a dispiritingly crappy place to be :/

[cosmolinguist]

I wouldn't want to say I'm glad you understand, but you know what I mean. :) I'm sorry this happens but I'm glad talking about it makes me feel less alone.

[softfruit]

Also now I'm on the proper computer I wish to salute the pun title, which I didn't see originally.

[cosmolinguist]

I just couldn't think of how to describe this entry, and then I thought "fuck it, let's have a pun, it'll cheer me up." Living up to bisexual stereotypes. :)

[lilysea]

Huh!

I'm bisexual, and I didn't know we had a stereotype about making lots of puns! :D

(I wonder if it's a UK thing?)

I do make some puns,

but my straight partner makes more puns than I do...

[cosmolinguist]

It's probably not even a UK thing, it's probably a my-friends thing. softfruit is local and a bi activist and our Real Life friends circles overlap a lot, so this was sort of an in-joke and not something I expect people to recognize or agree with. :)

[softfruit]

UK bis are all about puns and yarn, in my experience.

We're trying to create a close-knit community.

[lilysea]

We're trying to create a close-knit community.

Hee! :D

I see what you did there! :D

That's delightful! :D

[softfruit]

Beware I make that joke a LOT

[silveradept]

It is sad. Also anxiety-inducing. It is good that you left, but it is sad as well that they've lost you.

Relief may be slow in coming, but it will get there.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, my anxiety was off the charts.

I'm sad they've lost me too. But at the end of the year there will be a new election for a new committee and maybe things will change enough that it's one I can and want to be a part of again.

[strange_complex]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I can only hope they come to regret it sooner rather than later. (Not saying I hope they'll ask you to come back, as it sounds like you're better off out of there - just that they regret it.)

[cosmolinguist]

Thanks. I am not hopeful that they will, though, as they don't understand what I and others had problems with (despite very many kind attempts at clear explanation from many of us), they take everything incredibly personally, and they would rather pretend everything's fine and everyone gets along than do the work for that to actually be the case.

The things I added to the committee, like my role in looking after member welfare and accessibility last year, they didn't want to let me continue this year (all the committee had roles like7 last year and hardly any have been allowed them this year). And they certainly don't seem to value member welfare or accessibility, based on several aspects of how they've treated me and how they've responded when I have brought issues to their attention. So I don't think they'll miss me at all. But it'd be nice to be wrong about that.

[nanila]

Oh, ouch. Letting go of things you've invested yourself in heavily is very hard even when the circumstances aren't as dire as that. I'm sorry it got that bad and took such a toll on you. <3

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, the investment makes it hard to give up on, and also I hate sending the message that people you don't like will go away if you're horrible enough to them. I feel like a failure but there's nothing else I could do.

[softfruit]

Going to a place where people hate having to accommodate your existence is only worth it while it's fun.

[cosmolinguist]

This is so damn true I want it on a plaque on my wall or something.

[alatefeline]

*soothing purrs; you are heard here; soft blankets and tea*

[cosmolinguist]

Much appreciated. <3

[lilysea]

Urgh, I'm sorry, that sounds REALLY HARD. :(

Is this a Lib Dem thing, or the visually impaired advocacy group you were working on?

[cosmolinguist]

Neither of those actually, it's the Women's Institute, a national (and international, it started in Canada and I think they have them in Australia too) group for women that does education and campaigning and lots of social stuff in a local geographical area. I made great friends there last year and we put a ton of work in as the committee to salvage it after what'd been a bit of a rocky first year. And now this year there are new presidents who seem determined to undo that. That's all.

[lilysea]

I am in awe of how many different things you volunteer for / do unpaid labour for!

*impressed*

[cosmolinguist]

Heh, well there's one less now! ;)

I acquired them at different times over a period of years, much of which time I was unemployed. So it doesn't feel like a lot. And some things, like the museum VI consulting, is so sporadic it really isn't a big ask at all.

[purplecat]

So sorry to hear this.

[cosmolinguist]

Thanks. It's a shame it had to happen but I'm confident I made the best decision I could.

[alithea]

Ugh, *hugs*

It is awful having to give up on something you've fought so hard for (I'm as stubborn as an ox too, I get you on the clinging on for grim life bit!) but if it's got this bad, your health does need to come first.

[cosmolinguist]

Just properly sending the resignation email today, after I was sure I got it right, was enough to spike my anxiety again so this is definitely having a really obvious effect on my health. Glad to be rid of it.

[barakta]

I've been in similar situations of having to walk away from toxicity, especially when doing basic effort to be inclusive or accessible has not been happening.

I hope the relief and better feelings kick in soon. Self care and sanity really are not worth getting wrecked by other people, especially when there are SO many problems and it's all a bit of a slow-moving-clusterfuck of issues.

[cosmolinguist]

As I said in a reply above, I particularly worked on welfare and accessibility for all our members last year, and being unable to have that respected this year was an early warning sign that this wouldn't go well.

I am feeling better about it today. Almost everybody has been supportive and the people who aren't have been very...reassuring me that I made the right choice, you know? :)

[sfred]

Sorry to hear that :-(

[cosmolinguist]

It's gotten better today now I've officially resigned. :)

[kaberett]

Good/I bear witness. <3

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

[norfolkian]

So sorry to hear this. :(

[cosmolinguist]

It is a real shame; I was the second of three resignations last week and I know not everyone who's left is staying because they really think this is good but more for the long-term existence of this WI.

But on a personal level, I've been really relieved. The rest of the week was more than stressful enough without all this nonsense, and that already has been enough to confirm to myself that I made the right decision here.