Gloom about something everybody loves

[cosmolinguist]

I am going to see Hamilton in a month. po8crg bought tickets for his birthday and I'm one of the people he's taking with him. Which is so nice and like everyone we had tickets forever so have had lots of time to get excited.

And I was excited, until people started going. One of the first, a wheelchair user I followed on Twitter, gave a rather disappointing access report of the venue. Other friends started going and talked about how much it adds to see the performance we've been listening to for years: there's a whole character who doesn't speak so we didn't know he was there, apparently? And lots of clever stuff with what's happening physically and how that interacts with the lyrics/story/etc.

At some point, po8crg and Andrew and I got talking about audio description. Richard said he'd checked and there isn't any. I know on Broadway Hamilton got audio description because of a lawsuit. On a second's reflection, it makes sense that they couldn't use the same audio for a whole nother production in London, but I guess it hadn't occurred to me. Richard's investigations indicated that the London production wasn't likely to have AD for a year or so, long after we were going to see it.

It's made me really sad now when I read friends talk about how much the visual experience added for them, because I know that isn't going to happen for me.

And for a few weeks now, since the last time someone mentioned something like this [note, friends: this is not something you should feel bad about mentioning! it's good and true and I'm so happy that you're all having such fun at Hamilton], I've been increasingly upset about going myself. I told Andrew a little while ago that I didn't want to go any more. Because, if I just don't go, I'm having the same experience as everyone else who hasn't seen it; I'm listening to the same music. If I do go (when I do go), I'm getting less. It's not the experience my friends are getting, and everyone else is getting, and I was really upset about that for a while.

Andrew said I'll be fine when I get there, and I've nodded along because that's what I've told him about loads of things and that's probably what I'd tell me if I weren't me. I've been trying to shake this feeling off, to blame it on deferred stress or misery from university. That is certainly going to be part of it. And yet, it's still intruding, unbidden, on my thoughts almost every day.

I hate it because it's making it harder for me to be happy for my friends (I have like one or two a week mentioning on social media that they're going, it seems), because I have to brace myself for the possibility that they might (totally innocently!) say something that reminds me of this and makes me sad. I want to be better at being happy for my friends and I certainly want to be happy for me, or at least stop dreading something I am supposed to be looking forward to.

Comments

[davidgillon]

I just googled, and this link https://hamiltonmusical.com/london-faq/ suggests there are a whole two audio-described performances planned, but not until November - which is pretty pathetic!

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I know there are logistics involved but it's just really disappointing.

*hug*

[po8crg]

This makes me sad too.

Please look forward to going to Brussels, though. If that ends up being compensation for Hamilton rather than a joyous add-on, then it'll still be completely worth it.

Re: *hug*

[cosmolinguist]

I'm sorry to make you sad. I didn't want to say anything for a while because I knew all of you would be, but like I said I can't shake this so I thought writing about it would help (it has) and I suppose I'd have wanted you guys to know I'm a bit mental about this particular thing. While not wanting any of you to make any effort to explain to me what's going on, and making sure you know I'm perfectly happy for the post-show squeeing to include things I didn't know about.

Re: *hug*

[po8crg]

I'm still going to enjoy it!

I just had a look at tickets for the two AD performances in November but they're already £150 each so that's not happening.

Re: *hug*

[cosmolinguist]

Such accessible, wow.

[alithea]

*hugs*

I'm sure your friends all understand. But i hope it gets easier and you manage to look forward to the trip after all, even though it won't be perfect.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you.

To be fair, I haven't told my friends (until now) that I'm sad about what they've said because I don't want to dampen their happiness at the cool thing they get to do. And the friends I'm going with will definitely understand; they're all used to me and the amount my sight impacts on me (which is hard to do because that can vary so much from one kind of thing to the next).

[anankastick]

I'm sorry to hear that! This is a different situation, but I feel that way when friends want to go to events that are noisy/crowded/unfamiliar. They are so excited and urging me to come along, but I can't understand anything anyone is saying in those environments (sensory processing disorder) so it's not like I get to participate in the socializing parts, and the crush of humanity (lol) almost always pushes me to the point of shutdown or panic attack so I end up having to leave early, embarrassed and exhausted. I always appreciate it when friends accept that there are things they love that I can't tolerate (or can't access or just don't like) and don't try to drag me along when I say no. I wish more people would think, "What can we do so our friends/family can enjoy this, too," instead of "It's such a shame so-and-so can't be here! They'd love this!" which puts all the burden of creating accessibility on disabled people.

Anyway, I hope that you're able to experience Hamilton at some point, since everyone says it's brilliant, but I also hope that you are able to release some of the sad feelings about it. (By which I mean not feel bad about feeling bad that something is inaccessible to you and talking about it--that's a valid and understandable response, and it's important to be able to express it!)

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. I think writing this was an important part of releasing the sad feelings about it.

[jesse_the_k]

What a bummer!

And you are so completely right to not go! Without AD it would be ... simply infuriating the whole time.

I have to push back on you being "a bit mental." If I had to attend a Hamilton performance without a sound system I'd be furious.

[cosmolinguist]

you are so completely right to not go!

I don't want to go but I am still going. It's a whole expedition to London, overnight and train tickets are bought, plans are planned... po8crg and I are even taking off from London for a trip on the Eurostar to Brussels because I told him something about not having had a holiday or been to another Europeans country since 2009 or something (now I've got a UK passport I want to use it while it still lets me travel in the EU!).

So I'm going, I just have to suck it up and go.

I have to push back on you being "a bit mental."

Oh I quite agree that any amount of anger and mourning that a disabled person goes through for missing out on an experience an able bodied person gets is justifiable. The problem I'm having is that this is feeding into a more general "I don't have any control over anything in my life" thing I'm dealing with lately, and that's one reason I'm struggling so much I think.

And that really is because of poor mental health right now, that's all I meant.

[jesse_the_k]

Ah. Sorry to be so pushy, and I hope you can find delightful ancillary stuff on your trip.

[cosmolinguist]

Nothing to be sorry for, thanks for calling me up on it. I'd have done the same for a friend. :)

[worlds_of_smoke]

I'm sorry that you aren't going to be able to have the full experience. Being unable to experience things in the same way because of accessibility reasons is so, so upsetting and frustrating. :(

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. <3

[barakta]

Brain has not instantiated the words module yet so consider this a placeholder for knowing where you're coming from and hoping your brain works out a way not to be too sad.

You are lovely and kind. Sometimes disablement totally sucks.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you.

[miss_s_b]

*hug*