What I did when there were no blinky lights on the router

[cosmolinguist]

No internet for almost a week! It was an awfully quiet week, with me spending most of two entire days (not consecutive, thankfully; that'd have driven me even more bonkers than I already am) in bed.

But all that left me with a lot of time to think, and it was a rather bleakly eventful week, too, especially Tuesday, which I wrote about in an e-mail laboriously typed on my phone to a friend the next day (hey when you're stuck in bed all day, the slow progress of words across the screen doesn't seem such a barrier to composition).

I continue to be utterly relieved about not working. I expected a lot more angst about laziness and uselessness, but I am overwhelmed lately even without work. I really have gone back to bed, though with an audiobook and of course this phone.

It shouldn't be surprising, perhaps, that I'm tired after yesterday. I went with Andrew to his uncle's funeral. He was not close to the uncle, but thinks a lot of his wife (who is a sister his dad is close to), so was there for his dad, his aunt, and his cousins. And I was there for him, knowing his extended family hardly at all. It is such a huge one (everybody breeds early and often!) that people only bother with the ones they like. Andrew doesn't like many people :)

The service was in a lovely country church, sunlight streaming through stained glass onto very old stone; I think there has been a church there since Saxon times. I rarely feel so American as when I find myself marveling (inwardly, in this case!) at such things that those around me accept as a matter of course.

Andrew's family are not religious (he said this is the fifth time he has ever been in a church) and I am not now but I grew up Catholic. This was my first brush with Anglicanism, and I confess I was interested in that despite the solemn occasion. I liked the notorious lack of religiosity; the talk of heaven and resurrection was light, and the emphasis was on taking this opportunity to share loss and grief. It was explicit that the vicar (a woman! Such a novelty for a Catholic girl) did not expect many of the people there to share her professed beliefs in the afterlife and so on, which I found fascinating if deeply alien.

Most of the funerals I have been to have been Catholic, and they were -- regardless of the person they were for -- heavy and distant and ponderous where this was welcomely warm and light and close. Even with the light dusting of Christianity over the top.

Our wait at the train station and the ride home left me time to nap before going to Biphoria, which I'm glad I did though I was worried about seeing my erstwhile boss, at a time I'd have been in work if I hadn't quit the day before. But I reminded myself that not working doesn't mean I can't do other things (that i'd needed a nap at the time i'd have started work that day reassured me that it was indeed not a good job for me!) and it was fun to see my friend Emma on a high having just finished the last of her exams to qualify as some kind of accountant. We talked a lot about BiCon too and it reminded me I have complicated thoughts about that (though I am indeed now definitely intending to go for a day, to help Emily out with a workshop). But I can't articulate them yet, and this e-mail is long enough as it is!

I managed to write down some aof those complicated thoughts about BiCon yesterday, for some research I volunteered for after seeing it mentioned on Twitter, again about the experiences of bisexual women. (Always with the bisexual women. A friend of mine who helped out with the last thing like this said she asked that researcher why the focus on women and was told that there is more data on women. I know dissertations are about other people's work as much as they are your own, you need quotes and references, but it does seem to be a pretty vicious catch-22 circle there.)

Anyway, I'm liking this research better already; it's more long-term and open-ended, and it's already sent lots of thoughts swirling around my brain after only a couple of days. My relief at not going to Cardiff BiFest (Saturday ended up being one of the days I had to spend in bed) was ridiculously blatant, again without a shred of the usual regret or second-guessing my decision to not try to have fun.

I think I am very cynical still about BiCon and its little baby siblings, the BiFests, because it still seems as much an excuse for people to see friends who live far away as much as anything else. Which is fine, it's a good thing to do, but I am so, so painfully used to being on the outside of those groups that I'm still a little weirdly sensitive now. While also being aware that the only way to not be a stranger is to go to stuff and talk to people and not just be a whinging mentalist all the time, yes. (Not to say that bisexuals won't be friends with whinging mentalists, but if it keeps me from going or keeps me from having fun, that isn't going to make me easily likeable to them.)

My other major preoccupation of the week (greyeyedeve will know what I'm talking about!) is not fit for LJ, so I think I'm done here!

Comments

[sfred]

I'm looking forward to getting started on the resarch-participation.
For me, yes, a lot of BiCon is about spending time with friends. Every time (I've been to three so far), some of those friends are brand new, met at that BiCon, and the reason I've ended up with so many friends there is that it's an environment in which I can let a lot of my guards down and just be me.
Your reasons are some of the reasons I didn't go for so long (for me, another was that I was in a monogamous relationship and wasn't sure how OK that would be. I think it would have been fine.).
Now I sound like a crazy evangelist. Maybe I am one.

[cosmolinguist]

another was that I was in a monogamous relationship

I have a friend whose professed reasons for not going last year have stuck with me because they made me laugh: "poverty and monogamy."

And indeed a minor part of the reason I haven't missed going is that I have been, while not monogamous, definitely not on the pull, useless as an object of flirting (though I'm so rarely flirted at I am not just flirt blind but totally disbelieving that it ever does happen), etc. While I know BiCon is not a meat market and can be entirely fulfilling without snogging or shagging or spanking anyone you wouldn't normally, that impression did add to how overwhelming it was feeling to me when BiCon first loomed in my consciousness, as I was then sort of emotionally and mentally fragile.

I don't think you sound like a crazy evangelist! You were the first (but not the last! my friends are lovely) to express an interest in me going, a disappointment I might not, and then immediate stepping back, reassurance and support that I didn't have to go if I don't want to! For all I sometimes grumble about BiCon, respect for others and consent in everything is one of its hallmarks and this seems to leave an impression even when people are just talking about it, rather than actually there, which I think speaks very well of it.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

I rarely feel so American as when I find myself marveling

My closest fe-friend grew up in a village south of Paris; her family has lived in the area for over 600 years, and their parish church was built in the 15th century.

When I visited her parents in 1995, I did a bit of marveling, myself. Our own parish church was built in 1927, and that seemed ancient to me.

[cosmolinguist]

In America a hundred years in a long time, in Europe a hundred miles is a long distance. Hopefully it's some comfort to you that you can traverse the miles to such interesting places :)

[plumsbitch.livejournal.com]

I have much sympathy with what you say about bicon, and what others said while we were in the pub the other week (was reeeaaaaally nice to see you, btw).

Although I might, if I feel feeling naughty, point out that your post sets up a distinction between bisexuals/bicon attendees and 'whinging mentalists' that might, er, not be quite as robust as all that. ;)

Also enjoyed reading this entry in general, lots of interesting stuff.

[cosmolinguist]

Bah, I was sure I replied to this comment this morning but it seems to have disappeared! How annoying. I hope you don't end up with two different versions of the same thing, but I just wanted to say that I never meant to set up 'whinging mentalists' and 'BiCon attendees' as mutually exclusive groups, just that it was my whinging and especially my mentalism that have kept me from going or even really wanting to go until now.

I'm glad someone other than me found any of this stuff interesting ;)