Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle

[cosmolinguist]

Another thing that kind of bugs me about my parents is how they react to other people. A lot of things I, even as a teenager or perhaps even younger, was made uncomfortable by are perfectly normal for them, like commenting on what someone's house is like, what kind of relationships they have with their family members, and regularly discussing whether or not other people should do things from eating in restaurants to buying a new car.

My parents are keen to make the world over in their own image....to the point where sometimes I couldn't stand to watch comedy movies or TV shows with them, because they'd endlessly point out "it would never really happen that way," "you wouldn't do X," "y would never be like that" and so on, appearing to entirely miss the point that such comedies are not meant to be any more realistic than fairy tales. They know the difference between fiction and non-fiction, I am sure; they just can't resist the temptation to solve other people's problems by making those other people more like themselves.

At the grad party my mom was helping at -- running around, checking there was enough food on the tables, making coffee in big pots -- several other women were doing so too, one of whom is a friend of hers. Well, I say friend but in recent years that might be a bit of a stretch. She has by all accounts behaved quite spectacularly poorly in some things to do with her children (especially the one who's my age, so we're not talking about tiny dependents here) and has such has been a bit ostracized by my mom and the other few in their circle of close friends. (I think the separation was also partly good for her or of her own choosing, though I doubt my mom and the other friends would have seen it that way.)

This woman has a mental health condition which may or may not be adequately described as bipolar. I am hesitant to use the term because such things go untalked about here, which leaves me with only random observation to go on, and I use medical diagnoses cautiously, but to say she's bipolar would give some idea of how she presents. And here I want to remind people that mania and depression aren't just the labels we give to common experiences; it's not just being hyper and then being sad. Manias can be very damaging things: having sex with strangers, spending money you don't have, and making important decisions about physical medical treatment are examples of behavior that can take place during a manic episode and leave negative effects that last long after the episode has passed (and these are not invented examples). Depressive episodes can similarly lead to awful, life-threatening and life-changing events.

Anyway admist all of this my mom and this woman were meant to be helping out together, but my mom was really miserable because of her. She was apparently very energetic, demanding, and difficult to keep on-task (or to let anyone else stay with the one task they were doing). All of this sounds really frustrating for my mom and the other women who were being bossed around, especially as they didn't feel they could talk to her (or the woman whose house/party it was) about this.

I am very ambivalent about this Minnesotan attitude towards talking about things; in my experience it always just leads to the ranting or venting happening some other way, usually bitching privately to other people about someone rather than talking to him.

I realize the irony in that it could be perceived that this is what I am doing here.

It's unfortunate especially when, as in this case, it also furthers stereotypes and misinformation. For instance, in one of the many iterations in which she told this story, my mom happened to mention that her friend had said her meds have just been changed. "And I was thinking [gasp, dramatic hand gesture] change them back!" my mom said, with a brittle laugh. The people she was telling the story to grinned or grimaced in sympathy; I quietly seethed nearby. Actually, I wasn't that quiet, I tried to say "If they've just changed, it takes a while for them to kick in!" Quite a while, in some cases, and of course sometimes they never do.

And I just thought "change them back" was such an ugly and selfish comment; my mom's experience with anti-depressants must have been luckier than most for her to not be aware of the agonizingly long time it takes for them to start having an effect, and the awful likelihood of bad side effects and the usually-necessary trial-and-error process.

But apart from all that, the effects someone's mental illness or drugs were having on them would not be part of many conversations amongst my friends, certainly not in semi-public and with relative strangers around. Like I said, the extent to which things that I now would put firmly in the none of your goddam business category are on display is starting to freak me out a bit.

Another example: my mom has a sister. The sister has a daughter. The daughter's recently had a baby. My mom told me there was some drama over this, because she's "not acknowledging" the news of the birth (i.e. by sending a gift of baby clothes) because she was never told about the pregnancy or the birth by my aunt, only from my grandma who heard it from my aunt. Mom said the news was only spread around on Facebook, and she doesn't go on Facebook ("never will!" she said, surely unaware of what a relief it was for me to hear this) so she was feeling slighted.

The other day she sent her sister an e-mail explaining all this. Couple of days later she got a reply (which she printed off to show my dad, in the next room, and then me, in another breach of other people's goddam business, I thought, as it was nothing to do with me, but I am nosy as well as a hypocrite so I read it.

I'm glad I did, because it revealed how differently my aunt sees the situation from how Mom described it to me. She said she was not angry or upset that Mom hadn't acknowledged the baby. She wasn't aware that Mom hadn't been told my cousin was pregnant (except via my grandma, which by tacit agreement doesn't count) and apologized for that, but explained that things had been really overwhelming for her lately -- and the e-mail did sound pretty overwhelmed, and very heartfelt. She poured out some of her problems and stresses in ways I thought were touching. She didn't give a damn about getting a gift from my mom, she said she and her family had nothing to give anyone else so didn't expect anyone to give them anything.

My heart went out to her, reading this. My parents' reaction was hard to gauge; I thought at first they didn't believe her (though since it seems my mom's come round to the more likely idea that my grandma was creating the drama, something she and another sister expect my grandma to do) and that "she'd done it to herself" somehow by spending money she got in her divorce settlement in such a way that she doesn't have any money any more. On the other hand, I saw in her words a mirror of my own anxiety and depression, and that perhaps is why I am more sympathetic, more willing to believe there were debts or other good reasons the money is gone (I think debt is a very plausible one).

My parents' understanding of and support for mental illness is as lacking as mine is omnipresent in my recent personal and professional life. And of course it's not just these kinds of people whose lives my parents want to rewrite but these examples are what stands out to me lately. I just think there's so little awareness there of the battles other people are fighting, and that they do try to hide them because that's what we're meant to do. To our own detriment, when we then are thought well enough to work, to cope with life, to keep up with social niceties.

I try to gently insert a crowbar into the conversation so I can pry apart some of their assumptions. But crowbars aren't gentle, and nothing less works. So often it doesn't either, it clatters as it drops away uselessly and I mentally pack away my metaphorical crowbar for another day.

Comments

[land-girl.livejournal.com]

My brushes with manic depression (in other people) have been very much as you describe: devastating.

Thank you for writing this down. Food for thought.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you for reading it!

It's not just mental illness that gets people's lives judgmental attention from my parents, and I don't want to give the impression that it's somehow more "worthy" an excuse to be left alone, because I think everyone deserves that. But because of my personal and professional experience with mental illness in recent years, it's something that stands out a lot more to me now.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Crowbars are heavy, and hard to wield with grace. I salute your willingness to use control to be gentle in application.

[cosmolinguist]

Well, I've never been a very graceful person :) The wish is not the deed, but I do try.

[innerbrat]

I'm impressed that you do this work. You have an amazing heart, you know.

[cosmolinguist]

I don't know what else I can do, so I'm not so much impressed with myself as kind of resigned to my fate. :)

[patrick-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Great writing: intelligent, well phrased, thoughtful, and self-aware in all of the right ways. I don't know a single person you're writing about, but I read to the end—with interest, I should point out. Good, good stuff.

[cosmolinguist]

Such effusive praise makes me blush. I'm very glad you liked it; to write in a way that pleases good writers is a great thing. Thanks so much.

[zammis.livejournal.com]

Its good to say what upsets you, so long as you realize parents dont generally change. ;)

This was a good piece, thanks for writing it.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you for saying so! It feels kinda jumbled to me, and I didn't say some of the things I wanted (which is why I'm tucking them into e.g. the comment to land_girl) but everything's feeling jumbled and incoherent lately and people keep telling me it's good so what do I know? :)

And yes, I have no expectations that my parents will change. Commenters on recent posts have rather made me feel bad for this hard-won realization, thinking I must make them play by my rules. But I am more content this way and at a point in my life where I would rather be happy than right.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

I have a tendency to try and rewrite other people's lives too, although I do it less as I've got older and got more empathy for how different other people's lives are from mine.

I think it's related to the 'just world' hypothesis and being afraid of the world. When you see someone struggling, it's scary to realise how easily that could be you. One way to fight off that feeling is to work out what they did 'wrong' and convince yourself that you would do it right instead. That helps with the anxiety but it also encourages you to separate yourself from that person and convince yourself that you would never be that stupid/careless/thoughtless etc. Allowing yourself to feel empathy for that person becomes too dangerous.

[cosmolinguist]

As someone who suffers from overexcitable empathy circuits I can totally understand how someone (...ha! see?) would want to stay away from that. It's difficult and complicated. I think you've hit it right on the head here; very insightful.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

Re-reading this, I realise I sound like I am telling you to be more empathetic to your parents for their lack of empathy! That was not my intention at all. It's more of a reminder to myself of why I try not to do that anymore.

[cosmolinguist]

No, don't worry, I didn't read it that way! It is honestly a very perceptive and useful comment and not like some of the less helpful ones I've had on similar subjects lately :)

[quuf.livejournal.com]

Years ago, a porn actress named Shauna Grant committed suicide in Palm Springs. Shortly afterward, I read an article on her life in a magazine - I forget which one.

Shauna (real name: Colleen Applegate) grew up in Farmington, Minnesota. After graduating from high school, she attempted suicide. When she returned home from the hospital, "Nobody talked about it," though we can be sure many gossiped about it. Her mother believed the suicide attempt was just a bid for attention.

Nobody talked about it. I've never forgotten that quote.

[cosmolinguist]

Haunting, isn't it. And it must be so alien to Californian stereotypes of oversharing.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

Yes. And I would think there's a substantial middle ground between oversharing and those deadly silences.

If the crowbar proves too heavyhanded, you might consider a shiv. :)

[cosmolinguist]

I do usually go for something more subtle :) I was having a bad day when I wrote about the crowbar.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

What could be more subtle than a razor blade taped to an old toothbrush?

Bad day? Understood. :)

[haggis.livejournal.com]

There is an idea that expressing emotional pain is 'attention-seeking' and that this is reprehensible behaviour that should be dealt with by strictly refusing to 'indulge' the person.

I wonder how much human suffering is increased and multiplied by that single idea. It's awful.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

Well said!