Grandpa

[cosmolinguist]

My grandpa is in intensive care. They don’t know what’s wrong; the doctors can’t make his bleeding stop. He’s had four pints’ worth of blood transfusions.

He’s old, yes, he’s 81 or 82. He’s been ill for a while, including a heart attack or something that required surgery a few years ago. (Since then he’s been on some kind of blood thinning medication, which of course is worsening the problems he’s having now.) Still, this is never good.

We’ve been losing him by inches for years thanks to dementia which has been much slower-moving than expected, but still making its presence known increasingly as time goes by. Yet this is another thing; this is what makes my heart drop into my stomach when I’m on the phone and start to think about whether or not I can afford a plane ticket...

Times like this are the worst to be so far away. I know I couldn’t miraculously fix everything but I could at least let him hear my voice; I could give my mom a hug (not to mention my mere presence giving her something to be a bit more cheerful about).

Walking to work the next morning I got a bit teary... not even so much for an old frail man in a hospital gown as much for things already lost to the real world, already existing only in my memories: always running the motor on the little boat when we go fishing, the big deal he makes of Christmas Eve pretending to be Santa and handing out the presents under the tree every year, cooking hot dogs and hamburgers on the little grill in his backyard, watching him play wrestle with my brother, listening to him mutter and swear over the Twins games on the radio (to this day the voice of John Gordon, the Twins’ radio announcer, makes me think of my grandpa).

All good people (and like the rest of us he’s only good sometimes) leave trails like this behind them: often mundane things made sweet by fond remembrance, things that Joni Mitchell’s right about; we almost never know what we’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

Yeah, well I know. And it damn well better not be gone just yet.

Comments

[megaleena.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry, I hope the docs work it out and get him better

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you! ::hugs:: I hope so too. He's only been there since Saturday and I've not heard anything since last night so in some ways there's still lots of opportunity for things to be sorted and hopefully then quickly improve once they know what's going on.

They are doing all kinds of tests, I know; they're thinking it might have something to do with his colon which is especially worrying as colon cancer seems to run in his family, and he's so anti-doctor that this wouldn't be the first time he waited until he was bleeding profusely (last time was a bleeding ulcer!) and had to be dragged off to the hospital...

[ozgirlabroad.livejournal.com]

This is what I fear living so far away from home. Trying to make decisions about to stay or go. It just plain sucks *hug*.

[cosmolinguist]

Another sad thing is that if I do want or need to go home soon, I'll then almost certainly have to miss the wedding of one of my best friends, also in the US... a wedding I'm supposed to officiate at! I've been looking forward to that for a long time, and I really want to send her off to the US (she's from Glasgow) with my love and as close as I can get to a blessing, so I'd be devastated to miss that even if it weren't for the fact that I'd be missing it for such a somber occasion...

[ozgirlabroad.livejournal.com]

That makes it even harder!

[gonewithoutjam.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope he gets better.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you for the good wishes.

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

good luck with this one...

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah. Thanks.

[patrick-vecchio.livejournal.com]

A beautiful, poignant post. Here's hoping the next news you hear is good news.

[cosmolinguist]

Yes I'll have to try calling my mom again tonight; couldn't get a hold of her yesterday. I'm too damn far away.

[lostpositive.livejournal.com]

((( )))

[cosmolinguist]

You're the best :)

[k425.livejournal.com]

You're in my thoughts.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you :) We should have lunch again some time... if you're up for it of course!

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Oh Cthulhu, hon. This is awful.

* hug *

[cosmolinguist]

It is awful, and (I'm painfully aware) awfully common. It's hard to make the universal personal, or to make anyone else feel my "personal" as anything other than more of "the universal."

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Wish I could give you nice tasty comforting beer.

[cosmolinguist]

Mm, beer...

Well you can give me your lovely company on Friday night. :) That's almost as good.

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[goodqueenmolly.livejournal.com]

aww what crappy news hun, I am so sorry. You know where I am if you need some TLC *love*

[cosmolinguist]

I appreciate it :) I have noticed that I've seen a lot less of you since I moved around the corner; this is madness. I hope we're both unbusy and well enough to manage it sometime soon.

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

Many many hugs. Don't know what to say. It must be so hard.

[cosmolinguist]

Listening is enough; you guys don't have to say anything :) Thanks for the hugs too.

[drjon.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you and your family.

[cosmolinguist]

The thoughts of my friends mean even more to me than I would've thought they would. Thank you.

[girlspacemonkey.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'll keep you and yours in my prayers, if you're the sorts who don't mind that.

[cosmolinguist]

My family would never object to that. :) I appreciate it greatly.

Today my mom sent me an e-mail saying they got the bleeding to stop and the tests are going on at a reasonable pace with contingency plans for what happens depending on what they find out. Things are progressing anyway.

[tartful-dodger.livejournal.com]

Don't really know much what to say except I'm here if you want to chat, or some company. *squish*

[cosmolinguist]

Aw, thank you. ::hugs:: And the offer is definitely mutual.

[ulffriend.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry. Although we known intellectually that we won't have them forever, and that knowledge becomes more and more insistent as they get older, I don't think that any amount of knowledge prepares you for the reality. I will be keeping you and yours in my thoughts.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm oddly calm about it for the minute actually; I'm feeling a little distant from the whole thing, as if it's happening to someone else's grandpa... probably my subconscious way of coping with the fact that I can't do anything for anybody and in the meantime I do still have to go to work. :) And while I understand and even admire the way a person's brain can put these things on the back burner, of course it doesn't mean I like it. It'd be much more emotionally satisfying to be on a plane by now. But I can for once see my emotions for what they are and go on, not ignoring them but not enslaved by them either. It helps to know I can get on a plane if I need to, though...

[cosmolinguist]

Not quite, but I understand you have only twitter to glean information from and I appreciate you attempting to update people.

Basically what happened is unrelated to his medication, but is exacerbated by something that he takes to thin his blood, which he's done since he had a stroke a few years ago. He has polyps in his colon, a hernia, bleeding ulcers, and something to do with his esophagus too -- basically his digestive system seems to be in bad shape all round! -- but he does not have cancer, which was the big worry (especially with him being a higher than usual risk for colon cancer).

I have no idea how serious the problems he actually has are; you know my mom, she's light on details, and they're quite likely to be garbled. I don't know what's going to be done about them, how long he'll be in hospital, how he's feeling, if he's still in intensive care or not, or anything really. (I did e-mail her and tell her I'm here so she'll know to call my mobile or e-mail me rather than try to phone home, don't worry).