Let me live before I die

[cosmolinguist]

I bought myself a new notebook yesterday. I need somewhere organized to store my French vocabulary and verb conjugations. But I know myself and I know that it'll end up with agonized non-LJ writing and then I'll hate the messy, ugly sight of it and ignore it, French and all. But I always feel optimistic when I buy new notebooks, so I don't really believe that right now (or I don't mind, anyway). That's one of the reasons I buy more than I need, and that's why I had to reassure myself that this was a reasonable purchase.

The other reason I buy more new notebooks than my life requires is because I can. I grew up with a love for words but nowhere to put them. My mom must have thought I was a system for turning notebooks into a garbage can full of crumpled wads of dead trees, and wasn't inclined to buy me any precious paper that wasn't required for school. I used to sneakily buy them on my half-hour lunches in high school, undeterred by the problem of having nothing to say in them. It was just a big deal to have them. Cheap optimism, even if it is fleeting.

Growing up with such scarcity, it's easy to get excited.

"Books!" lostpositive said, and I was already thinking exactly that because I was looking at the link she'd just sent me. It was for Library Assistant jobs at Manchester University: shelving books and checking stuff in and out and whatnot.

She found it while looking for something else, and, my feelings about job-hunting being so well known thanks to pouring my heart out to LJ, she sent it along to me thinking I might appreciate it.

My feelings about job-hunting being panicky and miserable, I was astounded at how easily this had been done; rabbits out of hats never impressed me so much.

I quickly got excited too... albeit with a twinge of appreciation for how pathetic I am for being excited about a simple job that doesn't need anything more than GCSEs... but that's just evidence of how I've been polluted by the intense ambition of the people I work with: even the other nursing assistants all have degrees and are getting secondments to more impressive jobs and things like that. One of the nurses said his birthday's this week and he's going to be 26...which is the age I am already, and he gets to boss me around and make tons more money.

But then I realized I don't really care about that. I'm not them. I don't even want their jobs. Lots of interesting people don't have degrees and lots of decent jobs don't require them. I just didn't want to focus on that, didn't want to tiredly go through the motions of self-flagellation yet again. Better to concentrate on the fact that, for the first time in my life, I've found the possibility of a job for which I am qualified that actually seems interesting to me, something I might like.

I'm not used to that. I'm not used to it mattering if I like something. I didn't like school. I didn't like never having enough words to read or write, enough records or CDs, growing up. I didn't like not having friends. I didn't like crashing and burning in college. I didn't like feeling torn between the US and the UK. I don't like being poor and cold and wet and depressed. I didn't like working for a bank, I don't like the way Andrew's been playing too many Monkees' songs lately. I'm used to it.

I'm used to scarcity, like with the notebooks. Oh, I grew up with, and continue to have, all the food, shelter, clean clothes and education I could need, but I'm always short of contentment, of feeling good about what I do with my days.

I know I have a reputation for someone who gets very enthusiastic about very small things (I'm a horror for this when I'm drinking... not when I'm drunk, but when I am tipsy or when I haven't realized yet that I am drunk). I remind myself of something Mark Steel says in one of his lectures about the way little kids are, how they are always saying things like "Ooh, look! Look look look look look! ... A cup!"

But that feeling doesn't scale up at all. And maybe that's why I'm so likely to get excited about riding on trains or QI or burritos or making chocolate cake. I've always been proud of myself for taking my fun where I can get it, not sneering at uncool or unironic pleasures, and not even needing mind-altering substances to get them.

I'm happy that I have such helpful friends, even though I'm sorry I need the help. This is going to be a breeze. I already downloaded the applicatilon form, right there on the site lostpositive sent me to. I texted (with great excitement) a friend who works in a library because I thought he'd be glad to hear this, and he said he knows all about working in libraries and to let him know if he can help. I told taimatsu, who also knows how much I hate looking for jobs, and she offered help too. I told Andrew, who seemed surprised that I'd already gotten this far on my own... well, it looked like"on my own" to him!

But really, I'm one of those kids who was good at the game where you stand in the middle of a circle of your friends and lean backwards, hoping that they'll grab you before you fall. I am lucky. It seems there's always been someone there to catch me.

Comments

[k425.livejournal.com]

If you get the job we'll be able to have LUNCH!

[cosmolinguist]

Really? (I probably should have known that, or not been so surprised to hear it anyway.) Another reason to be excited about it then!

[k425.livejournal.com]

Yup, I'm at the Business School. Near 8th Day!

[cosmolinguist]

Which is an excellent place to have LUNCH! :)

[mrs-leroy-brown.livejournal.com]

Meep! So much of what you've written here feels like we've had a Vulcan mind-meld or something. I so get the job thing, the US / UK thing, and especially the bouncy OHMYGODACUP! thing :)

Good luck with jobs and stuff and ting, paws crossed!

[cosmolinguist]

Probably a good thing we haven't met then, or the world would probably explode at two things, so similar, being so close together!

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the application.

[cosmolinguist]

Many thanks. I'm going to feel really silly now if they ignore me and everybody's asking how it went. :) Oh well. I shall have to keep trying to find more jobs like this to apply for, now that I've thought of it....

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

OSU ignored me for well over a year. Then I was offered an interview in December for a position I applied for in February. The first, and only, interview I had for the job I'm in now.

I hope the Uni you apply at does not go through the applicants at that pace!

[cosmolinguist]

Sounds a lot like the job I have now (applied in July, interview in January, started in March). But that's NHS, that's the government for you.

Ha ha; you said "uni."

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

I'm merely helped you adapt to your surroundings.

[signal-moon.livejournal.com]

The first real (ie full time, weekday) job I had was in a library. I think I wrote about it once on akirad. It was pretty much the best job I've ever had. Wherever you looked there were books - seems pretty obvious, I know - and the days would race by as you talked books, helped people with books, carried books, dropped books, thought books.

Goodest luck with the application!

[cosmolinguist]

That's kind of what I'm hoping for. :) That's why I'm so excited.

Plus one of my friends, tubewalker, late of this parish, used to tell brilliant stories on his LJ about his job in a library (his is especially cool though; he did (does? I don't know any more) the enquiry desk and got people asking amazingly entertaining questions, as well as some who genuinely appreciated the help given for them to go back to school, figure out their family tree, or whatever), and that excites me too.

I realize it can be hectic and there are stupid people as there are everywhere and so on, but I think it does skew things in my favor a bit if there are BOOKS everywhere.

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

If you have the right job in a library, you can get the most interesting situations and questions. Then there's circulation, where there can be many interactions with challenging people on a case by case basis.

I do enjoy the quiet and solitude of cataloging.

[sera-squeak.livejournal.com]

I can really relate to a lot of that. A whooooole lot.
For a start, I too have a notebook addiction. I have pages and pages and pages of books nothing in them. I took one with me when I went away to Write Things In but only really wrote about 5 things. I often don't have an actual clue what it is I wold like to write about and then, if I can ever decide it gets stuck between my head, my hand and the paper.

I also stuffed up dramatically at uni (or rather, it was dramatic to me mostly people didn't even notice I'd gone), had few friends at school or elsewhere (I am and have grown into a solitary soul but that doesn't mean I want no company ever). None of which I liked very much.

And no, I haven't ever anticipated doing a job that I like. Which is strange, I suppose. For me it's difficult to even contemplate what I might want to do (which is whole other issue) let alone that I might be able to do it and enjoy it and earn money from it. Worse still, I've got a bit of a dilemma as I now work in a job which pays well and even though I don't like it I also don't detest it. It does. I make do. Which makes it much easier to just stay put and be paid reasonably and do something that doesn't matter instead of taking the risks involved (and, practically, the paycuts involved) with finding and attempting something I might want/like to do.

This has got a bit waffly, I suppose, but I'm glad that you have people who will catch you and I'm glad that you're finding maybe that there's something out there that you won't just have to make do with.

[cosmolinguist]

I often don't have an actual clue what it is I wold like to write about and then, if I can ever decide it gets stuck between my head, my hand and the paper.

And I can certainly relate to that! Preee-cisely. I think the reason LJ works for me is because I can type fast enough to get the thoughts out... and I can just delete and start over with no hard feelings (I did that at least twice with this entry, and think the new beginning is a lot more potentially confusing and tangential than the previous, straightforward ones, but it's the one that got the job done so what do I know?).

And this:

For me it's difficult to even contemplate what I might want to do (which is whole other issue) let alone that I might be able to do it and enjoy it and earn money from it.

The thing about being the kind of person who's excited about cups and Mexican food and listening to Radcliffe and Maconie is that I have no focus, no vocation, no more interest in anything than anything else. And thus no ability to cut myself to fit the cloth of the modern working world.

or rather, it was dramatic to me mostly people didn't even notice I'd gone

I think that's true of me as well. :)

And I'm quite waffly too! So don't worry about that.

[sera-squeak.livejournal.com]

And thus no ability to cut myself to fit the cloth of the modern working world

Ditto. There are so many things out there that I want to do/see/learn about/play with and places I want to go to that I couldn't possibly prioritise one over the other. And, while I don't want to be poor (for being poor sucks), money isn't enough of a motivator for me to be able to prioritise in such a fashion. What I need is to be an heiress to vast wealth so then I could poddle about doing exactly what I need and fancy doing with no obligation work-to-live. And, I'd never thought about it really, but I get excited about the little things too... but that makes for a good, enjoyable life.

As regards the "blank page syndrome" I actually get it with LJ as well, although lately I've been writing about myself and my feelings a little more than I used to, which marks a bit of a change. I'm quite a private person, which makes it difficult to put my feelings ON THE INTERNET even though I can gauge to some degree who can and can't see/comment etc.

I think as well, I get caught up with self-consciousness. I wonder how the things I write make me look... and I think somewhere in the back of my head I would like to be "good" at writing this stuff. Which means I edit and edit and edit and in the end give up because things no longer seem relevant.

[cosmolinguist]

There are so many things out there that I want to do/see/learn about/play with and places I want to go to that I couldn't possibly prioritise one over the other.

Yep. And, I seem to have a horrible inability to enjoy things done under pressure. Novels I couldn't concentrate on when I had to write essays about them have fascinated me a month or a year later. This principle seems to be applying to my working life too.

I'm sure it'd be true for writing: I only like it when I don't have to write about any particular thing at any particular time... which is why I shrug off the continual exhortations that I write for something other than LJ. Sounds like a good idea, but there's just nothing there in my head to be written about. Unless it's about me. :)

I have noticed your New LJ Self, and I'm intrigued as always by my friends' inner lives, especially because I do appreciate most find this more difficult to talk about than I do (I, as I said, find it difficult not to talk about it, even when I'm not drunk).

But I do get self-conscious, I do want to be good — and I'm pleased when people say they appreciate my writing as a piece of writing, which seems to happen inordinately often on the angsty entries, but that's all right because that's when I most need the cheer that such comments give me — and I do edit things a lot. I try not to edit them into irrelevancy by dawdling over it, though, because I find it very useful to be able to write things down, and most of the time am not a perfectionist about it, because I miss the "hit" I get when I write something good and real and important in my LJ. I don't get that from writing something flawless and polished, so I don't care so much about those things. :)

[angeoverhere.livejournal.com]

Very much best of luck - I used to work in a library part-time before I went to uni and it was a fabulous job. There are also several people on my flist who are librarians who might be able to help you with the app?

[cosmolinguist]

I am absolutely spoiled for choice with help here. :) What a wonderful feeling. Thank you, and I'll let you know if I need you to solicit help from your friends.

[taimatsu]

I note also that I too used to work in a library - though I was an administrator/lowly secretarial minion, not a library assistant. But it does mean you can babble with me in person about it and I can maybe say useful things.

[cosmolinguist]

I'll keep that in mind in case I run out of things to babble about at you!

And you don't have to worry about being useful; it's sufficient but not necessary. :) You're good to talk to anyway.

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

This whole post proves once again that, in spite of my abysmally bad taste in music, we are, in fact, twins. Notebooks and library jobs and ambitious workmates and all. Just today I was again telling some workmates that, while I appreciate the chances and the challenges that come with my current job, and there are certainly more opportunities for "advancemente", my best two job experience were as a receptionist and as a librarian, doing stuff that everyone could do. I *liked* those jobs. I like the one I have now, but you wouldn't beleive how I miss spending a whole morning just sorting books into shelves and cataloguing and putting stickers on them. Those were the DAYS, man! I'm crossing all my fingers for you to get the job, so I can live it again vicariously through you.

[cosmolinguist]

doing stuff that everyone could do

That's the thing. I am slowly learning, and have to keep reminding myself, that it's okay to enjoy jobs that anyone could do. I don't get my worth from being unique (not in that respect anyway).

I keep getting more reasons to like having this job: I could have lunch with someone I don't see, I could improve your vicarious life... it gets better and better!

And I like some pretty abysmal music too. Probably differently abysmal music, but it still counts. It's a good thing I'm growing my hair out or we really would be exactly the same!

[rainmerlot.livejournal.com]

Ok, First of all I totally GET the notebook thing. I collect journals, and more than half have no writing in them at all, I get happy just looking at the paper... whether I write on it or not. New pens and paper are the best!!! (and now I have ideas for you for future birthdays and Christmas!)

second - that job would be PERFECT for you. I got this huge smile on my face as soon as you wrote that E had sent it to you! I am willing to be a personal reference if you need one. I don't have any experience in libraries (except I am a huge bibliophile which should count for something... :-) ) but I would have tons of wonderful things to say about you! They would be crazy not to hire you. :-)

I am so so glad you are going to pursue it! xoxo

[cosmolinguist]

I was expecting you to like this news but even so you are remarkably exuberant here, which delights me to no end. You always make me smile. (And yes I know one of the points of this entry is that that's not necessarily difficult to do, but I still think it is evidence that you are great.)

Yes, pens and paper are foolproof ideas for birthday and Christmas presents. Though you did wonderfully this year; those pancakes are awesome.

And surely bibliophiles know just the sort of person that should work in libraries: the sort they'd like to see there! :) Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a reference. I'm sure you'd make me sound like the best thing since, well, pens and paper?

Your excitement is contagious. Thanks. xoxo

[aintesduck.livejournal.com]

I must have about 20 half-filled sketchbooks and journals. There's just something so... promising about starting a new one (and something so depressing about finishing one that's half filled with crappy sketches and lame emo babbling). And now that I've started making my own, I'm really struggling to finish my current journal as fast as possible so I can start writing in one of the ones that I made... Silly really.

I remind myself of something Mark Steel says in one of his lectures about the way little kids are, how they are always saying things ike "Ooh, look! Look look look look look! ... A cup!"

But that's a good way to be! ^_^

[cosmolinguist]

There's just something so... promising about starting a new one

Cheap optimism, like I said. :) Best I've found.

You make them?! (Another thing from comments to this entry that goes in the "things I should probably already know" file...) How cool!

And did you tell me that just 'cause you know I'm a captive audience for such things? :)

That's what I'd do, if I were you.

[aintesduck.livejournal.com]

did you tell me that just 'cause you know I'm a captive audience

Well, I do tend to blow my own horn when I think I've made something neat. ^_~

Here are the two blank books I've bound already:

http://aintesduck.livejournal.com/355779.html

http://aintesduck.livejournal.com/356516.html

And I'm working (slowly) on a third one, which is going to look very much like the second one, and which I hope will become my next journal when I finish the "Paperchase" journal I'm currently writing in. ^_^

[cosmolinguist]

They look beautiful. I like the second one a lot.

[aintesduck.livejournal.com]

Thanks! ^_^

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

A clean, fresh page in a shiny new notebook. Best of luck to you, and remember, half the battle is in having taken the first step.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you! I'm still only about halfway into the first step, but that means it's still shiny and new and I haven't messed it up yet. :)

[miss-newham.livejournal.com]

Yes! But apply for all the library jobs you can find - I know from experience that it takes time for any of them to actually notice you... (I'm waiting without hope to hear from a library job myself because I fluffed the interview. But you will be better.)

[cosmolinguist]

There was only one full-time job (and even that only during term-time) offered there at the moment, and I need full-time because I can't afford anything less. But now that I have thought of the idea I will (unless I collapse into a ball of job-hating fear) try to look for other library jobs; there are lots of libraries around here!

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

New notebooks, with all that lovely blank paper, have so much potential. I also like little boxes and bags for the same reason: anything could go into them!

The problem I always have is that making the first mark in a new notebook locks it into something; it no longer has infinite potential. And it's no longer perfect. So I have a lot of blank journals and notebooks around. (I own a spiral binder, so I can make my own; it makes my habit a little cheaper.)