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cosmolinguistI work and sleep.
I re-watched the last-I-have-for-now episode (I'm about halfway through it now I think) of Cosmos a couple of days ago and since then have been crazy for new books new information. I have none and my only days off this week are Monday and Sunday, when the libraries are closed.
Today at work I tried to explain why that e-mail about Mars appearing the size of the Moon is nonsense, and that the optical illusion about how the Moon looks bigger when it's near the horizon is not going to help you here, and Andrew chimed in that it's not just that there are houses and trees and stuff near the horizon to give you the perspective that's lacking nearer the zenith, there's also parallax, and I said, "Do you want to try explaining parallax?" Oh, it's not difficult really but I was so tired.
I told again the story of the co-worker who said he found some "geography people" (or maybe it was "geometry") once when he was camping in Wales, by which he meant astronomers with a telescope. Which they let him look through, apparently, so he looked at the Moon and saw something flying over it as he did so. He told me he wished Andrew was working so he could ask him if it was a UFO or what (I said I would pass along the message but clearly I didn't as Andrew didn't remember hearing this before). Andrew said he would have been better off talking to me anyway, as I know more about astronomy than he does, and I agreed but pointed out he's the one known for Knowing Everything at work.
"Did you study it?" a (different) co-worker asked (but still one who went out to look for Mars at 12:15am on August 27th, just as the e-mail said; he didn't see Mars at all but I admire his willingness to indulge curiosity) when Andrew said I know more about astronomy. I shook my head, disgustedly. Actually, Andrew's the one who studied it; he was doing math with astrophysics at UMIST, which is a billion times more legitimate than I'll ever be (even though he didn't finish it); I'm so jealous! Yet I know different things than he does and so he's right that I'm probably a good person to ask in this context (though I can't tell if something that a very drunk person thinks he saw through a "geometry person's" telescope is an alien craft or not, the general point still stands), because the sort of things I know are the sort people are more likely to ask about than equations.
I'm a humanities student so I don't know the equations but I am deeply convinced that this is okay because I have much enthusiasm and affection for the subject and have read many pop-sci books on it.
So many times since my sophomore year of college -- when I quickly used up my one non-penalized Withdrawal for a class in my (English) major and tried taking Calculus I instead because I desperately wanted to be a physics major and you needed calc before you could even get into General Physics, though I ended up withdrawing from calc too -- that I could go back and Do This Properly. I tried then but at 19 or 20 it already seemed much too late.
I have always struggled so much with math, since the timed tests in the first grade when the teacher graphed our results on the wall week after week and I always came out miserable. I always hated math in school. But I like it now that I don't have to do it and my only exposure to it is tricks like this or Andrew telling me about the different kinds of infinities and what they're for. I can see why that stuff excites people because the moment when the cosmic tumblers click into place and the Universe opens itself up so you can see how it works are divine, transcendent, possibly addictive.
But it's not like that for me on my own; I can't even do algebra. I know what a derivative is, but I can't find one. I know what a logarithm is, but I can't ... wait, actually, I don't remember what a logarithm is any more anyway. See? At my best I can enjoy enough math to feel smug when I'm reading popular-science books, but that's it. I need a do-over. I'm too old now; 19 or 20 was probably too late; 25 and cynical and still hoping to some day finish my goddam bachelor's degree is risible.
I know it's pointless but I do wonder if I could have done better. If I could have stuck with respectable science and landed myself a real career, or at least a career path. I wonder if staying up all night reading about the composition of the frozen oceans on Neptune or the inhabitants of the Oort Cloud or the mysteries of the Galilean satellites really is evidence of enough enthusiasm to get me through word problems about how much apples cost, competitions with multiplication flash cards, or graphing trigonometric functions.
And that onlly gets me through my high-school pre-calc. Sheesh. Makes me tired jut thinking about it. And that's to say nothing of my astounding capability to mess up lab experiments in my science classes; I'm the kid who makes the teacher say "Wow, I've never seen it do that before!" Plus, the idea of staying in school any longer than I had to made me ill: my parents and teachers and other adults in my life had always assumed that since I was good at school I liked it, so it took me a long time to realize that I didn't and I wanted to be rid of it as soon as possible, which is not the sort of attitude that's going to help a wannabe-physicist now is it?
I don't see what I could have done differently, anyway. I could not possibly have started being interested in astronomy at a younger age; I was chastised by my kindergarten teacher for taking out a book on astronomy meant for upper-elementary kids (I can still see the cover) on my very first trip to our school library -- she scolded me for it because she thought it was a bad choice as it'd surely be too hard for me; I think she was a bad choice for a kindergarten teacher (and the school agreed with me, which is why I got her for fourth grade as well). And I was never under any illusions about the connection between math and science. I always said I hated the one and loved the other, though I realized this wasn't normal and I didn't know what to do about it. Still don't.
I tried doing math and that didn't work (too little too late I suppose) and then I sort of accidentally tried losing interest in astronomy and physics (just because I lost interest in everything over the course of 2003 and 2004 because depression was causing me to nearly completely cease to function), and that doesn't seem to have worked either: look at me now, all longing and wistful and still excitedly talking about parallax at work.
And the job I have is nothing like the job I want; it doesn't surprise me that watching Cosmos set me off because I want to be Carl Sagan when I grow up, to talk about where we've come from and where we're going and how it all ties together.
Instead I just work and sleep. I don't see people or go places. I can't even watch TV shows without thinking too much. That's what I get for watching a PBS show I guess.
I re-watched the last-I-have-for-now episode (I'm about halfway through it now I think) of Cosmos a couple of days ago and since then have been crazy for new books new information. I have none and my only days off this week are Monday and Sunday, when the libraries are closed.
Today at work I tried to explain why that e-mail about Mars appearing the size of the Moon is nonsense, and that the optical illusion about how the Moon looks bigger when it's near the horizon is not going to help you here, and Andrew chimed in that it's not just that there are houses and trees and stuff near the horizon to give you the perspective that's lacking nearer the zenith, there's also parallax, and I said, "Do you want to try explaining parallax?" Oh, it's not difficult really but I was so tired.
I told again the story of the co-worker who said he found some "geography people" (or maybe it was "geometry") once when he was camping in Wales, by which he meant astronomers with a telescope. Which they let him look through, apparently, so he looked at the Moon and saw something flying over it as he did so. He told me he wished Andrew was working so he could ask him if it was a UFO or what (I said I would pass along the message but clearly I didn't as Andrew didn't remember hearing this before). Andrew said he would have been better off talking to me anyway, as I know more about astronomy than he does, and I agreed but pointed out he's the one known for Knowing Everything at work.
"Did you study it?" a (different) co-worker asked (but still one who went out to look for Mars at 12:15am on August 27th, just as the e-mail said; he didn't see Mars at all but I admire his willingness to indulge curiosity) when Andrew said I know more about astronomy. I shook my head, disgustedly. Actually, Andrew's the one who studied it; he was doing math with astrophysics at UMIST, which is a billion times more legitimate than I'll ever be (even though he didn't finish it); I'm so jealous! Yet I know different things than he does and so he's right that I'm probably a good person to ask in this context (though I can't tell if something that a very drunk person thinks he saw through a "geometry person's" telescope is an alien craft or not, the general point still stands), because the sort of things I know are the sort people are more likely to ask about than equations.
I'm a humanities student so I don't know the equations but I am deeply convinced that this is okay because I have much enthusiasm and affection for the subject and have read many pop-sci books on it.
So many times since my sophomore year of college -- when I quickly used up my one non-penalized Withdrawal for a class in my (English) major and tried taking Calculus I instead because I desperately wanted to be a physics major and you needed calc before you could even get into General Physics, though I ended up withdrawing from calc too -- that I could go back and Do This Properly. I tried then but at 19 or 20 it already seemed much too late.
I have always struggled so much with math, since the timed tests in the first grade when the teacher graphed our results on the wall week after week and I always came out miserable. I always hated math in school. But I like it now that I don't have to do it and my only exposure to it is tricks like this or Andrew telling me about the different kinds of infinities and what they're for. I can see why that stuff excites people because the moment when the cosmic tumblers click into place and the Universe opens itself up so you can see how it works are divine, transcendent, possibly addictive.
But it's not like that for me on my own; I can't even do algebra. I know what a derivative is, but I can't find one. I know what a logarithm is, but I can't ... wait, actually, I don't remember what a logarithm is any more anyway. See? At my best I can enjoy enough math to feel smug when I'm reading popular-science books, but that's it. I need a do-over. I'm too old now; 19 or 20 was probably too late; 25 and cynical and still hoping to some day finish my goddam bachelor's degree is risible.
I know it's pointless but I do wonder if I could have done better. If I could have stuck with respectable science and landed myself a real career, or at least a career path. I wonder if staying up all night reading about the composition of the frozen oceans on Neptune or the inhabitants of the Oort Cloud or the mysteries of the Galilean satellites really is evidence of enough enthusiasm to get me through word problems about how much apples cost, competitions with multiplication flash cards, or graphing trigonometric functions.
And that onlly gets me through my high-school pre-calc. Sheesh. Makes me tired jut thinking about it. And that's to say nothing of my astounding capability to mess up lab experiments in my science classes; I'm the kid who makes the teacher say "Wow, I've never seen it do that before!" Plus, the idea of staying in school any longer than I had to made me ill: my parents and teachers and other adults in my life had always assumed that since I was good at school I liked it, so it took me a long time to realize that I didn't and I wanted to be rid of it as soon as possible, which is not the sort of attitude that's going to help a wannabe-physicist now is it?
I don't see what I could have done differently, anyway. I could not possibly have started being interested in astronomy at a younger age; I was chastised by my kindergarten teacher for taking out a book on astronomy meant for upper-elementary kids (I can still see the cover) on my very first trip to our school library -- she scolded me for it because she thought it was a bad choice as it'd surely be too hard for me; I think she was a bad choice for a kindergarten teacher (and the school agreed with me, which is why I got her for fourth grade as well). And I was never under any illusions about the connection between math and science. I always said I hated the one and loved the other, though I realized this wasn't normal and I didn't know what to do about it. Still don't.
I tried doing math and that didn't work (too little too late I suppose) and then I sort of accidentally tried losing interest in astronomy and physics (just because I lost interest in everything over the course of 2003 and 2004 because depression was causing me to nearly completely cease to function), and that doesn't seem to have worked either: look at me now, all longing and wistful and still excitedly talking about parallax at work.
And the job I have is nothing like the job I want; it doesn't surprise me that watching Cosmos set me off because I want to be Carl Sagan when I grow up, to talk about where we've come from and where we're going and how it all ties together.
Instead I just work and sleep. I don't see people or go places. I can't even watch TV shows without thinking too much. That's what I get for watching a PBS show I guess.
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repeat as needed
Date: 2007-08-28 06:00 pm (UTC)Em oxo
Re: repeat as needed
Date: 2007-08-28 06:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-28 06:33 pm (UTC)Maybe you can try out some classes somewhere for fun, just to see? can you do free audits there I wonder.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-28 06:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-28 11:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-29 02:48 pm (UTC)My job is quite easy to get! It was for me, anyway. And that's saying something because I've only had three (no, four!) jobs now and all of them have been due to the quite direct intervention of a friend. I am clearly incapable of managing this feat on my own. :) Sigh.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-29 02:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-30 11:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-30 11:15 am (UTC)I just did way too good a job internalizing all I was told (as far as school/careers go) about the order things have to be done in, and how long it takes, and how great I was so clearly I had to do well, and it just stressed me out immensely and left me now, having failed, with the idea that I'm not going to be able to catch up.
I just feel bad for all I've squandered. And I know everybody older than me will laugh and laugh when they read that and tell me that I'm too young to worry about such a thing (I know this because it's happened before!), but it's true: I've done it constantly for a few years now, since things started going wrong for me in college.
It's at least as delusional as your view that everything is good and happy and you can do anything — I don't even know if yours is a delusion, though I do know I don't want it to be — but I'm also sure that you're happier in it than i am in mine, so clearly I should shut up and listen to you more. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-01 05:27 pm (UTC)I left with a Masters because I didn't want that, and because I'd worked out that I'd about reached a limit of where mathematical bludgeoning problems to death without really understanding what was going on was no longer effective, and even if I did want to keep to the maths side of things, I'd also reached my mathematical limit, at least without going to a lot of effort, which didn't sound fun (Asimov talks about this in one of his biographies, saying he pitied the people who couldn't get algebra at school and then ran head first into calculus: it's disconcerting to reach the point where you can't just do the problems, and you either give up or face the horrifying prospect of having to work at something). I don't really have the intuition about physics, and I was more interested in computers. If you're talking about optical illusions and parallax it's possible you've got a better eye for the subject than some undergraduate physicists.
I know a few PhD students studying astrophysics who want an academic scientific career. It's a long slog. You've got to love your subject and be willing to move where the work is.
What a lot of people with science degrees end up doing is going out of science to jobs where people with scientific minds seem to fit. We hire lots of former physicists as software engineers (our most recent one worked on the LHC: how cool is that?). We like physicists because they understand bits of electronics, radios, oscilloscopes and have the slightly odd bent you need to write embedded software (quite a different sort of job from doing PC software).
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-01 09:53 pm (UTC)If I've understood it properly, Andrew's told me about the OU (which he has experience with himself .. I think he was did a couple math classes, actually) indicates that it works more like the sort of university I was used to in the US, where you can take classes on subjects other than your intended degree, and if that's the case I will probably be looking into some math as I really do hope that I can convince myself that I haven't given up on it yet.
But then, I'm definitely one of those people Asimov was talking about. My geek friends did math and computers because it was pretty much what they were already interested in and not much work for them: I marvelled at this because those things had always been either beyond my grasp completely or just inside it, when I was trying my hardest. And I can't try my hardest for very long, not nearly long enough to make their path feasible for me, though I was jealous of it because it seemed to attract a lot of people who I liked and admired.
I guess that's what I'm trying to say here: even more than a clear or respectable career path, I wanted to like math because I like people who like math.
I ended up with the same problem in the humanities anyway; I fell into being an English major (you can do that in the US; your subject of concentration can just happen to you when you're at a liberal arts school like I was) but couldn't hack that either because it was very focused on literary theory and criticism, very academic and of no use to anybody but other academics. I found it hard to please my teachers by repeating what they wanted to hear, hard to bullshit and just get stuff done on time. Sadly dedication seems to be a problem of mine wherever I go, so I'm not sure how much I can blame on the subject or the style of teaching; I think it's just me.
Anyway, didn't mean to meander on to my whole life story here. :) You get the idea.