#11

[cosmolinguist]

People keep asking me how I am, and I really don't know what to say. I don't think I ever did—I haven't really liked giving answers like "good" and "fine" since I was in high school. Even then I developed new stock answers for those who used how are you? as a Formal Sound, and tried to think up honest answers for those who really seemed to want to know.

But now, even more, I don't know how I am.


On Thursday I put on my wedding dress (having almost entirely forgotten what it looked like, and misremembering the few details I had thought I'd known, I was pleased to see that it still didn't look too bad) and a girl pinned it up.

"Did you get to see your friends last weekend?" she asked.

I don't know how she remembered this, a small aside I mumbled to my mother when the three of us were trying to schedule an appointment for this fitting. I didn't even notice that this was the same girl. I'm not usually good at recognizing people but I felt exceptionally stupid even so.

"No," I answered, not caring to elaborate.


"I actually need to go Christmas shopping for my parents," Matthew said to my mom after we met my parents at the mall in Burnsville today.

I nodded, "I need to do that, too." I looked at Mom. "What do you guys want?"

She told me I could go over to that store with all the University of Minnesota paraphrenalia and get my dad a yellow polo shirt or something. He used to always want maroon but recently he got a yellow Gophers sweatshirt, so apparently this is some sort of trend. Maybe he's just trying to be different now; that sounds like my dad.

Dad is generally easier to shop for; I always know of some book or movie he wants, or Mom tells me he needs new sweaters or Dockers. She, on the other hand, is usually impossible. "What about you?" I ask her.

"The only thing I want this year I can't have," she said.


Apparently some of his friends came over last night.

One was the guy he'd been staying with, who brought Chris's stuff.

The two of them spent last Monday night in sleeping bags in front of Shopko to get their Xbox 360s. They were among those people I heard about on the radio the next day, the ones at whom I scoffed: Morons. (It makes me smile that he was one of them, though; that's such a Chris thing to do.)

I noticed the Pop Tarts on the counter when we got home this afternoon and asked Mom about them. She said they were Chris's. I put two of them in the toaster. It's been years since I've had a Pop Tart.

The S'mores flavor, the one he and I liked when we were kids.


My parents talked to the state trooper investigating the case last night, too. First time I spend more away from them, and all this stuff goes on while I'm gone.

"Apparently he called all of Chris's friends right away," Mom said, "to see if he might have commited suicide." I think of the boys I last saw on Monday, faces red from crying and crumpled in pain. Many of them could not go to work or school the next day. How could they handle this? I look at her. She can't handle it even now. "Dad said they have to check everything, but I thought that was pretty poor." Neither of these reactions surprised me. "Young kid like that, out with his friends, just on his way home." I had no idea what to say.


I'm still having that dream, the one where my waking life has been the real dream and my brother is actually fine. I managed to skip a few days but it came back again last night. I woke up at three in the morning. With nothing else to do, I cried until I fell back asleep.


Twice yesterday in the mall I was half a step towards Express, where he bought all his clothes these days, before I remembered. This is what I get for trying to be good and not wait until the last minute this year? His birthday is on Friday.

Comments

[emyjo.livejournal.com]

God. Holly, I can't even imagine to know or understand what you're going through, but please know that I'm here for you as much as I possibly can be. I'm wiping away tears just thinking of all that's going on for you and thinking of how hard all this must be, especially in this time of year.

Don't forget to take time to celebrate him and everything he means to all of you on Friday and during the holidays. It'll mean a lot to him and to all of you, I'll bet.

[randy-gibbons.livejournal.com]

We don't know each other, but you & Mr Munchkin are on several friends lists I read.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

[randy-gibbons.livejournal.com]

Possibly unwise choice of icon in comment above. Sorry about that too.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

As someone who *does* know Holly, I can say she'll approve of it. Don't worry.

[cosmolinguist]

::laughs:: Don't worry about it.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

=Hugs= I'm so sorry I didn't read this before the last couple of times I've phoned you. I just wish I could be there for you...

[cosmolinguist]

It wasn't there before the last couple of times you phoned me. And even if it had been, that doesn't mean you're responsible for reading it immediately.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

If I'd read it then though I would have behaved differently and not been quite so annoying.
I do love you, you know.

[riddley-walker.livejournal.com]

man, i feel like that about "how are you doing?" even when the sine waves of my life are showing less fluctuation than yrs are right now.
same with "what have you been up to?"
bleh. i am guilty of asking folks that stuff, but at the same time i'm a big hypocrite and don't like being asked.
talk about conversation killers. all the How To Talk Better and Be Engaging Rather Then Sounding Like A Dumbass books warn against using those two phrases as conversation openers. and yet....
i do it all the time.

but yeah, i find personally (dunno if this will be of any help) that when i'm going through hard stuff and someone asks me, "how are you doing?" the best thing for me is to not let it get abstract or about Big Feelings or Cosmic Russian Novel Themes Of My Life, but to just answer in a present kind of way if i can manage, and in fact i have a checklist:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
when they ask, i check, and if i'm feeling one of those things i tell the truth and ask for some simple concrete way they could help me illeviate it.
it helps the part of them that asked the question feel better, while at the same time helping me keep my shit together cuz those four things are whats most likely to make a person ungrounded.
i dunno.

[classytart.livejournal.com]

Chris' birthday's Friday the 9th? How old would he have been?(That's my brother's birthday too.)

[cosmolinguist]

He would have been 22.

State Troopers and my anger

[(Anonymous)]

Anger is one of the emotions we have at death and we don't know where to put it. When my mom died ten years ago I went home and missed the election of our new bishop in South Dakota who then was (I think) the second woman to be a bishop in our church. That's where I pointed my anger. I said it again last week to another group of pastors. "I'm angry at mom for dying that week."

I understand that where I pointed my anger was not all truth, but I needed to direct the anger somewhere. That one worked for me. I could say out loud that one of my emotions was anger about mom dying. "I'm not just grieving, I'm angry." It's okay to have that emotion.

Law enforcement often becomes the target of the anger, and it doesn't matter it they deserve it or not. You said "She can't handle it now." This is truth. It is too much. If she could handle this, it would be a problem. We need to find a place for the anger, hopefully a safe place. It was safe for me to direct my anger at mom for making me miss the election. The church was important to her, she would understand. It is also safe to use law enforcement as a place to vent some of the anger, like my mother, they understand what is going on.

You make good use of the blog and these are good, real folk who are honored that you you choose to walk with them in this place. Thanks for telling us the dream and the tears.

By the way, did Matthew get anything for his parents for Christmas?

From Matthew and John's pastor.

[hulagalinthesky.livejournal.com]

My mom died in summer 2004. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you need to talk about anything with someone who has had a similar experience.

*thinking of you*

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, it's kind of normal to not know how you're feeling after something this overwhelming. At least I hope it's normal, because I didn't know how I felt after my mother died. All I knew was that I wasn't feeling the same about is as everyone else, and I was wondering if that was somehow wrong. Fortunately, I now know that feelings can't ever be wrong, no matter what they are.

[hugs and ear nibbles]