Enough of this; time for muffins!

[cosmolinguist]

I have not cried.

Not really, not much. Not since Monday or Tuesday.

I almost feel bad about this, actually. It sounds like Andrew's done little but cry since he left me in the airport, but I seem astonishingly okay.

My okayness surprises me; I expected my return to feel like it did last time, but it doesn't. I don't know what's changed. And I am, for the moment, not too inclined to ponder that question. My current lack of desire for self-analysis is also rather astonishing, I think.

I suppose it's just that things are finally moving now. I felt stuck in limbo in Manchester, but now I can make plans to get married and get myself a visa so I can feel like a proper person living in Manchester when I go back.

It is a life I look forward to starting.

Comments

[tubewalker.livejournal.com]

You have already started, that's while you feel ok.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

Don't feel bad about it, love. I don't *WANT* you crying...

[cosmolinguist]

Oh, I don't want that either. Just as I don't want you crying. And I don't think you want me to cry, so you don't have to worry about reassuring me on that.

I know it's silly to feel bad, and it's not a thing I'm consciously deciding as a logical course of action, it's just a twinge of "how can I be okay when he's not?" It's that feeling you get when you read about a flood or a war or whatever and think Oh, damn ... but anyway, what shall I have for breakfast? The mundane little stuff of life goes on despite the small and big tragedies, and that makes people feel heartless sometimes, but it's just the way it goes.

I don't really feel guilty that I'm better off than you, but I don't want to seem like I'm not missing anything, because of course I've lost the same thing you have, which is a big part of myself and what makes me happy.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

I knew you'd feel like this before you left, remember?
I told you, the difference is, you're losing a lot of things by going over there, but you're also gaining things (seeing your friends and family and so on). Whereas all that's happened with me is the most important chunk of my life has gone, and there's been nothing good to compensate for that. Of course you're going to react differently, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[cosmolinguist]

But I was coming back to everything the last time too, and I didn't feel good at all then. And yes I know yous aid this, but that doesn't make you right. :-)

[kalieris.livejournal.com]

I think it's cute how you sound a bit like Scarletdemon now - more of a British lilt to your word choices and order.

Also: MUFFINS!!!!!

[cosmolinguist]

What an interesting comment, especially because I've long entertained the theory that, if there's any reason my USian friends or family members insist I have an English accent (other than wishful thinking, hearing what they expect to hear), it's probably not because my accent has changed as such but because my vocabulary has, in small ways. If I noticed an English might say "a load of X" where I might say "a bunch of X", I'd switch to theirs. It's easy enough to try not to stick out in these tiny ways, and I'd rather have people listening to what I say than the way I'm saying it.

And yes, the muffins have been delayed by the discovery of the DIY radio-fixing, but now there will certainly be some.

[mllesarah.livejournal.com]

I didn't find you to have an English accent when we met up on Friday. Heck, I don't belive you even substitued much for Anglicisms at dinner. Then again, you were tired and not so talkative, especially to one sitting a few people away. But changes to vocabulary happen to anyone, wherever they go. I bet you spoke diffrently after being in college for a year, and I don't see this to be so diffrent.

note to holly lama

[newwaytowrite.livejournal.com]

you have since your birth been a proper person...gotta live in the moment.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Cute pic!