Epistomology, or something

[cosmolinguist]

I was sitting on the bed reading a book and Andrew was at the computer. Music was playing and we were both absorbed in what we were doing, and then he looked up at me and said, "To the best of your knowledge, did anyone pray for your eyesight to get better when you were a baby?"

I almost laughed--I may even have actually laughed. I try to go with the flow and all that, but sheesh. He doesn't make that easy sometimes.

Then I had to think. I'd never been asked that before, and I'd certainly never thought to ask before.

My parents aren't very religious. Well, they are, but in a weird way. I mean, I was taught mealtime¹ and bedtime² prayers, but other than that, all we did was go to church on Sunday and have candy denied us during Lent. All that stuff was mandatory, but any other manifestation of religion would be seen as extravagent or foolish.

I thought of the old ladies I see now that I go to church with my mom; when I started, some of them told me "We haven't seen you since you were this big!" as they hold their hands a couple of feet apart. I wonder what they thought of me when I was that big.

I thought of the scrapbook I once found that had in it all my baby stuff: pictures and handprints and a zillion cards from everyone I've heard of and some people I haven't. Mostly they were straightforward new-baby-yay messages, but some of the handwritten notes made reference to the bittersweetness; they knew things would sometimes be difficult for these new parents and their little girl who could not see.

I don't find it inconceivable that my parents or their friends talked to their God about me.

But there certainly wasn't any big laying-on-of-hands or anything flashy like that--these people go to churches where clapping after the "Special Music" is stil controversially demonstrative--and I knew that'd be the sort of thing Andrew was talking about.

"No. Not as far as I know," I said.

But then I'd used up all my cool nonchalance and had to ask what in the world brought that on.

He said he'd been arguing with idiots online about the existence of God or something and that one of them said they knew someone who had been blind but was healed (by God, natch) because people prayed about it.

I saw where this was going and laughed. Andrew had such a perfect counterattack that it probably wouldn't be believed ("yeah, well, I'm still agnostic 'cause my girlfriend had the same thing happen to her, except with no God!"). Also, I don't think I'd ever personally got to be a counterexample to the There Is A God argument; I was sorta proud of that.

But now that I think about it my mom once called me a miracle, though, for that same thing: the inexplicable restoration of (er, most of) my sight.

Okay, so t it could've have been God even if he wasn't specifically asked by a bunch of people at one time, since God Can Do Whatever He Wants, Yo. But the other side of There Is A God doesn't need to be Is Not! It can be just How D'You Know?!

All I know is that, as far as I know, it's never been explained by any of the doctors I've been to. And I've been to a lot of doctors.

When I was little, I'd decided that I could see because something decided I was supposed to see. (Little kids attribute causation where it doesn't belong; my sociology textbook told me that.) When I was little the word I had for that "something" was God, because that's what I'd been taught.

And even when I wasn't so little, it made a good story. When I was the sort of Christian who hangs out with the sort of Christians who ask people to "share" their "testimonials," I didn't have a history of despair or depravity to talk about, but I did have this cute little "Amazing Grace" moment that I could make into a nice story. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but I always knew, and now will admit, that the nice story doesn't necessarily mean there's a God to make a miracle out of me; it just means I can be pretty good at telling stories.

This, also, doesn't mean there isn't a God. It just means that I'm good at telling stories and sometimes I know what people will like to hear.

Billy Graham could say the same. So could John Edward.

But a lot of people are lured by stories that they like to hear; I certainly am. It doesn't mean I'm gonna fall for Billy Graham or John Edward, but I think I could have, if I hadn't first stumbled across people who tell me to think for myself.

Even if it's just the story I want to hear, I'm all right with that.

¹ Blessusohlordforthesethygiftswhichweareabouttoreceivefromthybountythroughchristourlordamen. No spaces, all one breath, every time. It took me a while to think of what the words actually are, so I could type them. I was on the verge of having to Google it.
² I learned the Lord's Prayer. I just didn't know what it meant. Sometimes I still see the words in my head as "...lead us not in Too Temp Tation."

Comments

[besskeloid.livejournal.com]

I learned the Lord's Prayer. I just didn't know what it meant.

Harold be thy name.

[ihavemanyskills.livejournal.com]

Harold be thy name.
I nearly spit out my tea with that one. Thanks for the laugh!

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

I don't know that agnostic is the word to describe me, but certainly 'atheist' and 'believer' are both wrong too... I'd possibly be a Gnostic if I'd ever experienced gnosis, so I suppose agnostic would do, but it still doesn't fit right. I have a whole lot of different ideas and very few if any beliefs, and no labels fit them...

But anyway, the comment was more about the paragraph about your family. You see, over here mealtime prayer, bedtime prayer and church every Sunday would be regarded as *extremely* religious... hence the disconnect I sometimes get about your upbringing and so on.
I actually doubt you'd ever have fallen for the more extreme religious fundamentalists in the States. You have far too much of a brain for that, and while you *are* quite emotional and easily led, you're also pretty good at sniffing out bullshit, especially when you're lying to yourself...

[cosmolinguist]

The word "agnostic" actually got a footnote the first time, too, which said "actually I don't know if that's right or not, but I can't think of a better word". But the formatting was screwed up and rather than fixed it I just deleted it, becuase I'm lazy today. But, yeah. I know what you mean.

And yes, I realize that my family's amount of religosity would be perceived very differently here. But it'd also be perceived very differently by people who thought it was Sadly Lacking in Religion. It's all relative, and that.

I might be pretty safe from the real crazies, as you say, but there is that impressionable thing. Almost anything will sound good to me at the time (this is actually much less true than it used to be), especially if it's presented with any kind of charisma or skill with words, anything like that.

And I can be pretty good at knowing I'm lying to myself but still ignoring it because I don't know what'll happen if I'm honest with myself as that usually means something would have to change.

Plus, there are all kinds of tricks built into the kind of Christianity I fell in with: they tell you that you should be all assertive about your "faith" and stuff, and if you aren't comfortable with yelling about Jesus on street corners it isn't because that's a silly obnoxious thing to do, it's because you're still worried about worldly things and not about what God wants. It didn't really work on me, but it did make me feel bad occasionally. Which then annoyed me. Which maybe means I won't fall for them. That's all right with me.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

To clarify further, my argument wasn't with the statement 'there is a God', a statement that is either true, false or meaningless depending on very precise nuances in the definition of the word 'God', and a statement for which I would never seriously argue in either the affirmative or negative. Rather, it was with the utterly ludicrous argument being put forth that one unexplained event means not only the existence of a supernatural force but a whole swathe of other things that go along with it.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

When I learned the 'Hail Mary' as a tot, I fixated on the part, ". . . blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus." I had a literal image of bananas and apples and oranges -- and Fruit Loops cereal.

[cosmolinguist]

This is the problem with giving metaphors to children. Darn things should come with a warning label on them, I say.

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

That reminds me of the Ramona books where she contemplates what a "Dawnser" is from "Oh say can you the Dawnser Lee light!"

[cosmolinguist]

I thought of this last night and was intending to leave such a reply to the above comments, but now you've beat me to it!