Weird stuff

[cosmolinguist]

I've heard some random stuff about weddings in random places recently. It seems to be the theme that's ganged up on me the last few days.

So last night I found this and read it again. In some ways it was very easy to remember how I felt then, and in some ways it's hard--I can't help but think of some things that this girl didn't know, like this for starters but also the less-well-documented stuff that surrounded that. Some of you real-life friends know about it, but on LJ nary a word was spoken. I think I was hoping to forget about it, which--shockingly!--didn't happen.

And I'm still not going to talk about that. But, for the record, when I look back at that entry from last November, I can't help but think of a lot of stuff that will here be represented by three simple words: For Various Reasons.

For various reasons, I was unsure of what I really wanted and I didn't want to say yes to Andrew when I wasn't sure. He took the "disengagement" more seriously than I did, perhaps because he saw it as me rejecting him outright and I saw it as me trying to figure out if I wanted to and would be able to alter my life so severely ... not that I have much of a life to begin with.

I didn't know what else I'd be doing, but I still wasn't sure that getting married and moving 4000 miles away was such a good thing for me. For a while there, life seemed a terrifying prospect no matter what I chose. I didn't know if it was a good idea to go with Andrew just because it was a tangible choice that meant I wouldn't have to be by myself any more.

Though it feels like it did, my indecision didn't last too long. (Andrew probably thinks it lasted longer than it did, because I was having difficulty explaining my mental state for a lot of that time, and anyway he seemed to be trying not to pressure me so he didn't ask about getting re-engaged for a while.)

Despite not being any fun at all, I think this doubt was good for me: I realized that it really was my choice and that I wouldn't be doing anything so major as getting married and moving to another continent unless I really wanted to. And, having wobbled in indecision for a while, I was now all the more sure that this is what I really wanted.

So, that's nice and all, but it does mean my engagement has a sort of weird history.

Also, it's been sort of anticlimactic. For one thing, all I did at the time was write that long entry linked to above, and only to people I felt I knew (for some value of "know"), rather than the usual squeeing-to-the-world you tend to see from newly engaged females.

Also, I don't have a ring (this isn't Andrew's fault (except that he tends to steer conversations on the subject to his stupid comic book superhero ring idea, which always grinds them to a halt!) because I told him I don't mind not having a ring and we can't afford it at the moment, even though I don't want a diamond). And he was telling me "you should marry me" for an absurdly long time before I agreed. And it feels kinda Machiavellian anyway because we're very obviously only doing this so I can stay here--which is not to say we don't love each other enough or anything like that, just that we probably wouldn't be too bothered about getting married if we didn't need to be.

Oh, and also, my parents don't know.

I'm scared to tell them! I'm not sure why, exactly ... though now that I'm trying to calm myself down by being rational I am instead thinking Well, you know it does mean you'll be very far away, and they didn't even like how litlte they got to see you when you were in college 200 miles away... and they haven't even met this guy yet ... Argh.

Besides, I'm also scared at the thought of my mom trying to plan a wedding. Of course, the immediate problem that's going to have with that is that I'm fairly sure me being here on a fiancée visa means we'll have to get married here. While it may be nice to escape my mom's wedding plans, it's a bummer really because she'll be devestated if I deprive her of that, and anyway very nearly everyone I'd want to see at my wedding is in Minnesota, or at least in the US. Even Andrew has a lot of friends there.

I don't want a big or fancy wedding, I don't want much religion, I could care less about my dress or flowers or any of that ... but there are a bunch of people I want to see this. It's a big deal, the only time I'll do such a thing (probably)! I want bridesmaids, whether they're playing kazoos or not. I want people to give me dishes and spice racks and interesting appliances I never knew existed before.

I don't know what I can do about any of this.

Comments

[irkthepurist.livejournal.com]

the way me and sarah have planned this - and the date is looming where the engagement is going to properly happen and i'm being all nervous about it because i do nervous well, but i'm already doing stuff like trying to work out what kind of ring etc and where to do it and plucking up the courage to speak to sarah's parents about it over the next two weeks (i really don't do confrontation well) - is to have the wedding proper in the UK and then have a sort of rematch/ blessing in the states. or as we're calling it the dry wedding and the booze wedding (sarah has managed to get me to accept the idea of one room of alcohol in the british wedding for her family while i don't get much say about the alcohol at the american wedding at all). the idea being we can have it for family and friends in both countries and no one loses out

although i'm dead set on a cabaret where all my friends and family do "turns" at my wedding and am not so sure if that would work in america

er - yeah. did i actually have a point here? ponders...

[cosmolinguist]

to have the wedding proper in the UK and then have a sort of rematch/ blessing in the states.

How does that work? (For you guys, at least; what are you going to do?) That is, I think, the sort of thing I'm after, but I have no idea how any of this works.

And I don't blame you for being nervous about confrontation, but you'll be fine. :-)

[irkthepurist.livejournal.com]

i think we'll just ask for some sort of blessing thing from sarah's home church. her step-uncle was the pastor so all we'll do is have some sort of ceremony for the american people - i think it's mainly going to be a formality but basically a gesture for her family and friends that we aren't involving them in the process. people will be invited to both if they wish to travel. i don't know about the logistics but sarah's family sort of seem to like the idea... plus we can have two honeymoons! WOOP!

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, "some sort of ceremony" ... that's what I mean. That's what I should've said; I don't want to be made a big deal over, but I do want some sense of marking the occasion. It doesn't matter so much if it's when we "really" get married or just "going through the motions" to me; I just want something. I'm pretty sure something along these lines will be utterly necessary anyway, as my family (and friends) are all too poor and/or too unwilling to travel this far.

Well, you've given me new stuff to deal with anyway; I'm already thinking "I should get my mom to ask the pastor at her church about this..." but then reminding myself that I better tell her first. :-) Would it be a horrible thing to do in an e-mail? "Hi, I'm getting married." One of the reasons I was so scared to do that last time was that it was fairly quick and would've seemed much too soon for her, but now that I've spent most of a year here, I think they might begin to suspect something's up anyway. :-) Still don't wanna have to actually tell them, though.

[irkthepurist.livejournal.com]

well you know, i've only called sarah my girlfriend in passing to my parents, never actually said "this is my girlfriend!" which annoys her a bit mainly because i never quite knew how (sarah being my first and only girlfriend and all) and have never quite worked out how to say since. she gets a bit miffed about that but seems a bit understanding - probably more than i deserve at any rate. so even though they call sarah my girlfriend to their friends i need to work out a way to mention it before i say "and we're getting married". it's not easy

[cosmolinguist]

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 20 or so and even then was shocked when my friends started using it about the guy. Not because I thought they were wrong--we'd been on a couple of dates and hung out together and stuff by that point--but because it just seemed to so weird that I could have such a thing as a boyfriend. How can you tell?! What makes someone your boyfriend, instead of a friend who's just a boy? Where's the line. I'd had a lot of those, but no boyfriends. Besides, boyfriends were a thing other people had, weren't they? Not me!

And I did the same thing again, multiplied by a million, when I got engaged. Engagements are certainly for other people! And in most conversation I still call Andrew my boyfriend, if I call him anything. I don't really like labels like that, though (not for any well-defined reason), and fiancé certainly sounds weird as well.

...but I kind of like it. I guess, since this post is mostly about wanting things to feel different than they did before I was going to get married, I do sometimes like the that there's a different word.

[irkthepurist.livejournal.com]

i was - ooh, 25? i'm terrible with dates as sarah will attest, but we've known each other five years and she told me her feelings for me about six months or so after we'd met online. but yeah, sarah was my first and only the second person i have ever kissed (the first was a lovely but rather bonkers nurse called gemma who seemed a little too fixated with marriage and children and scared me - and still scares me when she gets back in contact - more than a little)

i know what you mean about it being weird to think of as someone as "my girlfriend/ fiance/ wife" - i think i was just pleased beyond words that about ten years after first becoming a hopeless, soppy romantic (in a 1920s comic novel kind of way: i always saw myself as the kind of friend who bertie wooster would say "now come crispy old chum and tell us what ails thee" "ah but bertie, she's the very dream, the most wonderful woman alive" "ah, love's young dream young browning" etc etc) i finally had someone who loved me as much as i loved them and realised that the actual title (gf etc) meant sod all compared to *that* feeling

or something

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Have a "his" wedding and a "her" wedding.

Do the "his" wedding first, for the legal reasons. Have it over there, and do it what ever way his family wants.

Then have the "her" wedding back home, and do it the way your mom wants.

And I'm curious. I do know that here in the states if one brings someone in as a fiancee the paperwork gets processed months faster (and he or she can come in) than if the happy couple gets married in a foreign country and then the partner applies to come in as a spouse (which can take as long as two *years* for the paperwork to work its way through the system). Does it work the same fucked up way over there?

[cosmolinguist]

The only thing I can find on the website that seems relevant to this is: "The requirements for immigration to UK as a Fiancé/e’s are very similar to the rules for married couples. You may wish to consider very carefully whether it is best to marry first and then apply for entry as this will avoid the necessity of making a fiance/e application and then a second application to remain as a spouse."

Which makes sense (especially as I can't work on a fiancée visa but can on a marriage one), but there's no way in hell Andrew will forgo the extra paperwork if it means I'll be away longer. :-) But I don't know if it's quicker or anything like that. I've never done this before!

[k425.livejournal.com]

I have friends from Australia who came over here to do the Year in Britain thing. They both got jobs and then got engaged. And then they decided they'd like to stay. And her job was offered permanently so she had a means of support and the right to stay. They talked to a solicitor, went back to Australia, got married and came back - they were married and now he had the right to stay too.

So, check with a solicitor who knows this stuff. You may not have to get married here.

[northbyse.livejournal.com]

You got engaged? Sweet, congrats to you two!

It has been bleeding forever since we last chatted. That was...May or so? I think? Anyway.

Congrats again. Do let me know when you're back in the States, it'd be great to see you and meet your fiance.

[cosmolinguist]

Thanks. I'll be back in September, and I'm hoping to bring him with me then, though I don't think he wants to spend his holiday time meeting my parents. :-) Can't say I blame him, but it'll be good for him, and they're dying to meet him, as are many of my friends.

[paninogirl.livejournal.com]

I know I'd definitely like to meet him. :)

[comradexavier.livejournal.com]

I was going to offer this before, when you wrote about wanting to see a baseball game, but it slipped my mind. If you will have time while you are in-country, I will buy you two tickets to a Twins home game of your choice, and I will help with any travel arrangements you need to make use of them.

[cosmolinguist]

Oh, that's really sweet; thank you! It's been forever since I've seen a game, and I think that would be great. You made me smile, which isn't as easy as you might think on a morning when I had to go outside in the rain right after I got up. :-)

[comradexavier.livejournal.com]

If you can get me a date soon, I might even be able to secure your tickets on the same side of the stadium as they play the game.

[cosmolinguist]

Wow. :-) Thanks. I'll see what I can do; I wish I knew the dates I'll be back, by now, but sadly I do not.

one thing you definitely want to check on

[dmnsqrl.livejournal.com]

Dunno about how they do things in England.... but in the US once you're trying to get your "hi, we're married and we want to stay here things" the being-able-to-go-visit-my-old-country isn't a trivial thing

I have a pair of friends, the woman is from Denmark, and they got married here and were planning a ceremony back home for her folks. They had to get some sort of paperwork done to get _permission_ to go back to Denmark because she was supposed to stay in the states for a certain number of years after the wedding or something. As time got closer to when they had arranged for the ceremony and the permission paperwork hadn't finished being settled they were told "oh, go ahead, by the time you get back it will all be ok"

It wasn't. She almost didn't get let back in the country. And it screwed up her visa app so that she hasn't been able to legally work since. Fortunately he got a job a few months ago that has paid enough for them to catch up on old bills and save up enough for a good immigration lawyer and they're working on clearing things up so she can have an actual Green Card and everything.

Very very very annoying. I'd suggest it would be a good idea to make sure you work with people who have a reputation for knowing what they're talking about when it comes to immigration procedures and to get into the habit of asking paranoid questions :/

[cosmolinguist]

Good call. Thanks for the tip.