Relationship blather

[cosmolinguist]

'Is Andrew a boyfriend?' started an e-mail from a friend of mine. It made me laugh, perhaps becase of the 'a' instead of something more expected, like 'your.'

I wrote back that that's the label most closely approximating the situation, but we don't really care about the labels. I must have also mentioned something about how it doesn't mean I can't have other 'boyfriends' (which would make sense; the openness of our relationship is one of the reasons we don't worry about the titles) because when he replied he said, 'Love and exclusivity are one in the same.' *

Or, to expound: 'you will eventually find someone who blows your hair back and you decide that you can't live without them... it's totally absorbing yet you never feel so free, etc.' Immediately after that was the bit about love and exclusivity, so I inferred from all this that he doesn't think I've really been in love until I ignore the rest of the world in favor of my one person.

I don't mind people who prefer monogamy, by any means, and I don't blame those who think I'm strange for not sharing that tendency. But I don't like the implication that only monogamous relationships have a chance at being 'real' love. That doesn't fit with my apprisal of the situation ... but then, my opinions are mostly of the visceral sort and not very suited to intellectual debate.

I'm just annoyed that he sounds like he's an old wise man imparting wisdom to me. He is older, by almost a decade, and has been something of a maturing influence on me in the time I've known him. But of course part of maturity is disagreeing with the people and things that got you there, eh?

And we certainly disagree on relationships, it seems. I suspect that one of the reasons I heard less from him when he found a girlfriend is that she wasn't too keen on the idea of him having female friends ... or at least that he got sucked into being less an individual and more half-a-couple, especially since they got engaged. I hate that; that's when I always feel like I'm losing my friends to the collective entity that is A Relationship.

---

* I always think that should be 'one and the same.' That's the only way the phrase makes sense to me, but I could easily be wrong and this is not going to turn into another frustrations-with-grammar rant.

Comments

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

Well, of course you know *my* opinions on the matter. I can be monogamous if I'm with someone who requires that (or if I can't find someone else ;) ) but I don't think monogamy is in any way required for love - I love you very dearly, and would never want to restrict you.
And it is 'one and the same'. Your friend is illiterate.
And it is the Beach Boys. It's in fact the stereo remix from the Sea Of Tunes Alternate Beach Boys Today! bootleg.

[cosmolinguist]

Indeed; I can be monogamous--and have never been anything else in practice. The opinion of my friends on the matter of monogmay is of limited importance, but if it's what my SO wants that's what he (or she) will get.

It's a bit ironic for him to do something illiterate; he majored in writing or communications or something like that, and I wouldn't expect such a thing from him. :-)

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Your last paragraph brings up a recurring problem I have in relationships. Women I meet don't care for, and can't deal with, the fact that my bestest best friend is a woman. And considering that they are all gone and she is still my bestest best friend after 20-some years, it should be obvious which way I'll go if forced in to a "her or me" confrontation.

[cosmolinguist]

Good point; as a girl with many male friends I know what you mean there too.

[strangeidea.livejournal.com]

It is 'one and' as far as I know. At least I've never heard it 'one in.'

[cosmolinguist]

I saw it in a headline a couple of weeks ago too--not that all forms of news, especially on the Internet, have impeccable grammar, I know this. But still, it worried me a bit.

[paninogirl.livejournal.com]

I hate that; that's when I always feel like I'm losing my friends to the collective entity that is A Relationship.

That is so true. I seem to be losing many of my friends to relationships, marriage, and jobs. How is it that I can juggle multiple jobs and still find time to try to get together with friends? I don't have any plans tomorrow, and I'm worried I won't find anyone to hang out with. Stupid collective entities... :-/

Oh, and are you saying you'd have a relationship with a girl potentially? That's a new side of Holly I haven't seen before.

P.S. I love you.

[cosmolinguist]

It's a shame that, as cool a friend as you are, you don't have cooler friends in return. If I were there, I'd hang out with you. (Well, if I could drive...)

And I'm not saying I'll have a relationship with a woman, but I can't rule it out entirely. (I was a bit surprised, actually, that what my friend said was 'you'll find someone' instead of 'you'll find some man,' considering how narrow his thinking seems in other ways--not that I'd blame him for thinking in this specific case he was talking about a heterosexual, since I am, but you never know ...

I love you too! :-)

[paninogirl.livejournal.com]

I know you'd hang out with me. When you return to the US, we'll have to get together. Will Andrew be visiting Minnesota? I'd love to meet him. :)

I have a feeling I don't know this friend of yours...

So much love... :D

[cosmolinguist]

I don't know if Andrew will visit; I'd like for that to happen sometime. He'd scare my family, and probably get along with my friends, and I think both things are good. :-)

And no, it's not a friend you know.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

It's definetly one and the same. The phrase that is, not monogamy and love.

Love is a universal. Exclusivity is a personal. The notion that the two can be the same is mistaken at best.

[mllesarah.livejournal.com]

I think people say one in the same; if you say one and the same quickly, the "d" in and is not pronounced. This leads people to say oneanthesame, which sounds close (if not the same as) oneinthesame. At any rate, the diffrence between the two is slight, and as a common phrase, makes it easy to not think about what one is actually saying.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, it's the sort of mistake I might make--confusing words, even when written, based on their sound--so I understand. I think, in fact, my likeliness to do this sort of thing is one of the reasons I could so easily second-guess myself. Especially when the person in question is someone who's usually at least as good with language as I am.

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

Exclusivity is something extremely jealous and insecure people insist on so they can feel like they own their significant other. And I'll have no part of owning or being owned by another human being.

[textivore.livejournal.com]

It's just good to finally know once and for all that people can't love more than a single child. Isn't that refreshing?