Dinner with My Family, or Get Me Outta Here Part II

[cosmolinguist]

(Here's Get Me Outta Here Part I.)

My brother was standing at the kitchen sink, eating tuna out of the can, when Mom yelled at me to come for dinner. "Supper," sorry. I figured it must mean he was leaving soon, which is to be expected. But no; he stood by the counter the whole time we ate and tried to act superior.

The pork chops were overdone, but I'd forgotten they always are here. Oh well, that's what ketchup is for. Ketchup also has the benefit of masking the pork taste, which I'm not really a fan of.

The TV was on, of course. Worse, the news was on. "Wedding bells in Massechusetts," what's-his-name said solemnly (Dan Rather, right?) "Something something same-sex marriages." I think he said they start on Monday. "Can legistlators stop it? Should they?" I looked at my food, determined not to say anything.

Mom said, "All these gay marriages are sick." I was surprised first--I know people think like tihs...but only intellectually, it makes no sense to me, and the people I choose to associate with tend to be kinder to their fellow human beings, so sometimes I forget--and then severely annoyed. Still determined not to say anything, I attacked my pork chop with my fork a bit more viciously than its dry toughness warranted.

But she went on. "And I know Darren is." Dammit, I never should've told her that. I didn't mean to, though; I just mentioned it offhandedly one day--if anything, I was defending him from the possibility of bieng thought the object of Jenn's affections--but her reaction soon taught me that this was a mistake, and one I intend never to make again. And she hasn't gotten any better about it in the intervening year and a half. Silly of me to think she might've. It's a shame, though; Darren is one of the friends I've had the longest and one of the coolest people I konw, and it really sucks that my mom will, apparently, forever think differently of him--think less of him--because I told her he is gay.

All this went through my head, but all I said was, "I didn't say anything."

"No, but I bet you were probably thinking it." I frowned slightly. "Weren't you." It was not a question.

But, in all honesty, I hadn't been thinking specifically of Darren. Probably because it's not his major characteristic. Not to me, at least, though it still is to my mom. I can see it, when I tell her we're going to a movie or something, she doesn't just think "Oh, Holly's going out with her friends tonight." She's thinking about Darren being gay.

Silly me, I answered honestly. "I was not thinking of him, really," I said. I'd really been thinking, and continued to think, of those people in Massechusetts and how happy it would make all of them to be able to get married, and how I hope nothing does stop it.

But due to some now-forgotten conversational exchange, my mom got the idea that--gasp!--Darren might not be the only gay friend I have! I had to laugh at that; I thought of the people I consider my friends, the one who told me I was the third or fourth person to hear that he's bi...the one right now taking hormones to help make her the woman she truly is...the one who, when asked by another friend "Are you bisexual?" cheerfully responded with "I don't know!"...the ones who advoate polyamory. All those are great things, they're facets of great people I know...and my mom will never know that I think this because I don't want her thinking less of my friends, even though she doesn't know most of you at all and never will. She'd think less of me, just for knowing that I know and appreciate and love such people, just as I think less of her for knowing that she cannot appreciate such people, even as people--since Darren is no longer just her duaghter's friend, but her daughter's gay friend. Dammit. (I don't know if I'd told you that before, Darren--I guess I didn't really see the point, and it's not a fun thing to talk about anyway--and I'm sorry it's true. And I hope you're not upset with me for talking about your sexual preferences here, they're your own business anyway. If you are, I'll fix it, but I thought it made a good example of the difference between my mom's views and mine.)

Laughing at her was not a good idea, but I managed to cover it up by going back to my original point: I'd not been thinking of Darren specifically, but of more general things. We stopped talking.

Then my dad, who'd been looking through the paper, saw a grad party announcement for some relative of my mom's--I don't know the exact connection, it's her cousin's kid or something, all I know is that my mom and grandma have been talking about this girl recently. She's apparently "a druggie" who smashes cars and dresses like a hooker...and dates some kind from my old high school. My mom is friends with that kid's mom, and so she marvelled at how his parents could approve of him dating her. Unless they don't know her, she added. Well, she's been out to the house, hasn't she? my dad asked. Well, yeah, Mom answered as if he were a simpleton, but that doesn't mean anything!

And again I wanted to laugh, but really nothing was so appropriate as a good, heartfelt shaking of the head. Because for a couple of years now my brother's been dating someone who I've never liked much, though admittedly I don't know her well. I have heard quite unsavory things about her--the usual sort, drugs, sex and booze--and if any of them are true, my mom would have a conniption. Yet my mom thinks she's great. Invites her to Christmas Eve and the like...while never acknolwedging that I had a boyfriend...not that I cared, but it didn't seem fair, as he was good to me, was not dating me for the sex, does not drink. But that's what I get for dating someone my mom never liked. (I hope I don't sound bitter; I don't care if my mom likes who I date and in fact I expect that she won't really like anyone I like enough to want to date anyway, unless he's good at faking normalcy. This is merely an ironic failure of my parents to see how things really are; if you want bitterness look up a few paragraphs where I say words like "gay" and "dammit" a lot.)

Then my brother finally did leave, after we had cleared the table. Dad suggested that he take a jacket, so he of course insisted that he doesn't need one, it's not cold out, it's 55 degrees out! Dad said it wasn't even fifty. My brother didn't care. He's too tough for that. So dad said, "Fine, when it's 30 degrees when you come home tonight, and you can see your breath, and your car breaks down..." My brother slammed the door behind him. (Again, I'm not mad. This one actually made me giggle. He's such a teenager. He's 20, and he's such a teenager.)

Comments

[kalieris.livejournal.com]

Your mother reminds me very much of my father, in terms of the intolerance, and the, um, assertive way she expresses her opinions.

Heh heh heh, the jacket episode amuses me. I'm 34, and I would do exactly the same thing if it were my father who had suggested it. But not if my mother had, oddly enough. If my dad had told me to take a jacket, I'd catch pneumonia or buy one en route before I'd give him the satisfaction of thinking he had any sort of right to give me advice.

Mature of me, eh?

Helga

[cosmolinguist]

Now that I think about it, I think the same might be true of me, in reverse. But my mom does have an annoying tendency to suggest annoying, obnoxious, and/or overly-complicated things to us on a regular basis, to the point where I think my brother and I have gotten in the habit of categorically denying anything "helpful" she says. Even though the law of large numbers dictates that occasionally the things would be, in fact, helpful.

[toastedtuna.livejournal.com]

WOW. Yeah... sounds like you need a place of your own. LOL! It's hard to live w/ people whose views are so archaic and different from our own. It makes you wonder, "How the HELL did I wind up w/ YOU for my parents?" It's not like you don't love them, or anything, it's just that they're wrong. Like most of the time. Right?

[cosmolinguist]

It's not like you don't love them, or anything, it's just that they're wrong.

Pretty much, yeah. I do love them, and I know they love me, and they try hard and mean well...but this sort of thing is common; the only difference today is that I made some attempt at remembering some of these things so I can write them down.

Good thing I am, in fact, getting outta here in a few weeks.

[stealthmunchkin.livejournal.com]

=hugs=
I'm very glad that my parents brough me up essentially to believe that what others do with their genitals is no concern of mine so long as they don't try to involve me in it. It does horrify me that people still think that way, but I know from personal experience that they do (I have more than once been 'queer-bashed' in the small town where I grew up for having long hair. Because obviously I look more gay than the people doing that, who had cropped hair and wore singlets. Oh yes...)

Just remember that whatever their opinions, your parents *do* love you (this has been proved to me beyond any reasonable doubt by their behaviour regarding your passport) and almost certainly do want you to be happy.

=more hugs=

[mllesarah.livejournal.com]

I empathize. I'm lucky to be in such an open and accepting family. I think that having a lesbien in the family helps though. I do not claim that this is a hard and fast rule, but I think it is hard to be opposed to glbt people if they are related to you, especially for older generations, or people like your parents. I am glad you will be getting out of your parents house as well. Still, to sit and listen to this sort of shit is dificult and annoying, because you can't tell them off, and you can't talk about it in a civilized manner. So, you are stuck. Hey, our weekend away will be fun, anyway. And it will be full of people who disagree with your parents.

[cosmolinguist]

Something I wanted to mention and forgot about was how annoying it is that my mom only thinks I can handle gay people because my friends--well, one of my friends--happen to fall in that category. There's nothing at all wrong with learning to be more accepting because someone you already know and like ends up being something you thought you didn't like. Remember Erin and what a hard time she had coping with the idea of her "boyfriend" being "gay" (I'm putting those words in quotes for a good reason :-))? The fact that she really did like the guy was enough for her to almost temporarily overcome how deplorable she finds homosexuality to be, and that was a big deal.

But that's not how it is with me, and I don't like the idea that my mom seems to have, which is that I really do or did think like her until I was forced not to since I have a friend who's gay.

I am indeed definitely looking forward to our camping trip of open-minded people. :-) Wuv oo.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Parents are like they are because of how things were when they grew up.

To refresh your memory, since I think I've told you this before but I'll throw it in here because it works, my stepfather was the most prejudiced man you'd ever meet. He grew up in what was then a very small town (and its still a pretty small town) in southern Indiana in the early 1920's. When he was growing up there, everyone he knew was white and Methodist. He, by his own admission, never talked with a black person until he was in his early 20's and went to fight in WWII. To listen to him, there was no such thing as a good person who wasn't white, there was no such thing as a good religion that wasn't Protestant (and even then he tended to look down on anyone who wasn't Methodist), etc. And I'm sure he never met (or so he would think) a gay person. He finally started to mellow a tiny bit in his late 60's, but even then he wasn't a poster boy for the Rainbow Coalition :-)

And I put the "or so he thought" comment in with "he never met a gay person" because some time after he died, one of his sons came out. This son is easily one of the nicest persons that I know, and had the closest relationship with his father of any of his siblings, and I often wonder how my stepfather would have reacted had he known this son was gay.

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how your parents make you feel. Because mine are the exact same way. I try real hard to avoid conversations that wander into social topics precisely because I know we disagree. With them, it's a religious thing. There's no arguing, no convincing them of how wrong they are. It just is, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except avoid any subject likely to trigger it.

And being related doesn't make any difference at all. I don't think they've even so much as talked to my youngest brother since they found out he's gay. And that was around ten years ago.

[cosmolinguist]

I think it's at least somewhat a religious thing for my parents--my dad doesn't talk much; I think he secretly harbors liberal tendencies, but then he's the Catholic one, so who knows.

My mom especially is convinced that "common sense" is just another name for "everything she thinks"...and then complains about the lack of common sense other people display. But I don't think gay people are "sick," just like I don't think putting shirts in the dryer will ruin them and I don't think everybody against war in Iraq is un-American. But all those things are common sense to my mom, so I don't talk about any of them with her.

I've often wondered what would happen if my brother or I told them we were homosexual. Or if we did something equally heinous, like date someone who's not white--my mom's actually told me she wouldn't be able to handle that (and I'm not surprised to hear it, as she still doesn't like the fact that her younger sister married a black guy 20-some years ago). I used to think it'd be good for them, to have some exposure to this in their family, but now I wonder. And now I'm pretty convinced that if I were a lesbian or something, I wouldn't want to tell them anyway. Which is a shame.

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

It's a real shame. Especially since your family is supposed to be the group of people that loves you no matter who or what you are. Bummer that it doesn't always work out that way.

[eerielass.livejournal.com]

Take summer classes and move back to school! But actually, as negative as the experience with your parents sounds, you only just managed to marvel me at how flowily-open minded you are.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you, my dear.

And I am getting out of here, in a few weeks, so that helps.

[melukar.livejournal.com]

wow. your mom and i would totally throw down.

[cosmolinguist]

That's the opinion of increasingly-many of my friends these days.