When you are alone you are the cat you are the phone you are an animal

[cosmolinguist]

It's not the laziness that bothers me. No, though I seem to have a lot of it recently, I know that's not it. If I were just lazy, I wouldn't mind. I'm a big advocate of sloth, actually, and inability to be a Type A personality does not bother me. It feels good to get stuff done, but it feels good to watch movies and eat pizza, too. Neither would feel a complete experience without the other.

Laziness doesn't bother me, and I am bothered, so it must not be laziness.

I saw a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in too long. She told me, among other things, that she's gotten counseling and Zoloft. She's cautiously optimistic about the effects these things are having, and I'm glad to hear that. She suggested that counseling might be good for me, too; she said she hates to see me unhappy. Truth be told, her situation sounded a lot like mine: she only had three classes this semester and has dropped two of them; she needs the other to graduate in three weeks, and isn't sure if she'll make it or not. Whereas I have dropped out of and failed enough things (increasingly, things in my major) that I knew a year ago I wouldn't be graduating now, and that's never been a pleasant thought for me. This year has seemed such a useless endeavor, this semester especially. I have been derelict in my duties, things like money and grades that really should matter to me. That, along with a good bit of random mischance, have made me, in general, not a happy camper.

I don't know if I need counseling, but I do need to get out of here. College is not working for me, and I am increasingly becoming convinced of the wisdom of not bashing my head against this wall any longer. I know people say it doesn't matter what you do, just get your degree and get a job, but I don't care about that, either. I just want out. Now. I can come back later, when it doesn't drive me crazy so much. I'm sick of being in college only because all the adults I ever knew said it was a good idea. "Oh, you're so smart." "You must like school." "Don't worry if you don't know what you want to do in college, you'll figure it out. Everyone does." "Don't worry if you don't know what you want to do after college. You'll figure it out." That's all wrong. I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy and youth and money and all I have that is good, and I'm sick of that.

But I'm glad I talked about this.

Comments

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

That's all wrong. I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy and youth and money and all I have that is good, and I'm sick of that.

You are. University is a haven for mediocrity. You're not mediocre. The University system is not equipped to deal with people like you. Its their failure, not yours.

[cosmolinguist]

There are smarter, better people than me who do fine here--who thrive, in fact.

And where do I go from here?

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Those people are only better in that they can accept and suffer through mediocrity.

And where do I go from here?

Wherever you want.

[opticnerves.livejournal.com]

Well, some people do thrive in mediocrity - makes 'em feel extra-special clever.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

You need to go on and finish this semester and not quit your classes this close to the end of the semester (unless you already know you're going to fail no matter what). I'm assuming your school has a "typical" calendar, and you're coming to the end of this semester.

Then when this semester is done, take a break. Put college on hold. At least one semester. Travel in the US, or go to England. What ever you want to do. Do something that isn't school related, and do enough of it that you don't sit around thinking about school.

Then, and only then, you can think about what you want to do as far as college goes.

As irony would have it, I'd love to spend a summer wandering around Europe or Asia (or both), or even the US. Unfortunately, as I've said before, I now have those damned things they call "responsibilities" to deal with. Things like the mortgage on my house, etc. Things that would prevent me from saying "fuck it!" and booking the next flight to England.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I'm almost done. I'll do my best to finish my classes. I'll be all right in two of them. And one of the other two I've put so much work into that I'd be unhappy if I didn't get something out of it (and that's quite an unusual thing for me to say, I'm usually a cut-your-losses kind of girl, so perhaps that says something about my investment in it), so I'll work on that too. And yes, I have only a few weeks left.

Barely enough time to think of something suitable to tell my parents. :-) But, that's another rant altogether.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Tell them you need to take the summer off. You certainly won't be the first student to say that. Or you can take the "lie out the ass" option...tell them the classes you need aren't offered in the summer. Then there is always the final option..."mom, dad...I'm taking the summer off because if I don't I'm coming after people with an axe...and you two are first on the list."

[cosmolinguist]

Good suggestions. :-) Though it's not taking the summer off that will bother my parents--that's expected--but the not going back in the fall part. Also, the getting away from my house part--I love my parents and all, but i cannot stay there because if I live in the cuntry, and I cannot drive, I will go crazy--and especially if I do go to Europe or something drastic like that. My dad will probably be okay, but my mom will go ballistic with detaisls immediately. and I can't tell her I met a random Discoridan on the Internet who says I can live with him, because that would be enough to make her go ballistic by itself (and she doesn't even know what a Discordian is :-)). So, in other words, it'll be interesting.

[kratkrat.livejournal.com]

There was a time I would have strongly cautioned against leaving. Now, however... if it is not working for you, leave.

Go do something else. Stay in your home town in a little job... or move far away and do the same sort of little job, only know that it will SEEM exciting and different because of the locale change. Meet new people, learn about them. Through them, learn more about you. Either way, learn about yourself and the world you're in.

You may one day go back to school... you may not. Understand that the longer you wait, the harder it is to go back. However, you could also find yourself in a position that would make going back to school pointless... so what would you have lost? Or, you could find yourself in a job that requires you complete certain coursework... but that will give you focus/a goal that "general schooling" can never provide.

If you are miserable, you are doing yourself no favors staying in school. Just be sure that you do not drift when you leave school. For now, school at least provides structure. If you lose that, you'll need something lined up that provides immediate goals ("must make X dollars to pay rent and bills" is a good one) in order to stay sharp.

Anyway, I'm droning on. Sorry. I just wanted to say that if you are certain school is your bane, then leaving it may well breathe new life into you.

[cosmolinguist]

You're not droning. It's all good to hear, and I appreciate the advice. :-)

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

I'm hardly one to talk (just barely graduated Highschool), but when you said "I am increasingly becoming convinced of the wisdom of not bashing my head against this wall any longer." I was reminded of a quote a friend of mine said during HighSchool. I am unsure of the source.

Through the bludgeonings of Knowledge my head is bloody but unboughed.

Just thought I'd share that.

*hugs*

Also, have you thought about part time classes at a community college? It's worked pretty well for me ...

And one more thing. You knocked Reel Big Fish's cover of Hungry Like the Wolf out of my head. ;P

Let words of the prophet Linnell soothe you...

No one in the world ever gets what the want and that is beautiful
Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful
They want what they're not and I wish they would stop saying
Deputy Dog dog a ding dang deppa deppa
Deputy Dog dog a ding dang deppa deppa

[cosmolinguist]

Let words of the prophet Linnell soothe you...

That just made me grin.

I was actually thinking of those lines (if only because I got the stupid song stuck in my head again) and was going to mention something about them, but anybody who doesn't know the song wouldn't get that it's actually something that makes me happy, because the words by themselves seem so depressing.

"Hungry Like a Wolf" is a bad song, especially when they sing it. "Don't Let's Start" is much better. :-)

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

I actually like the Reel Big Fish version ... though it's not exactly hard to beat Duran Druan ;P

And I know what you mean about the words of those lyrics vs the meaning ... I said them during a team meeting once, and someone responded "I wouldn't want to live in your world ..."

Anyway, feel free to call me if you want to talk (ever, not just now), or just IM...I'm usually on... Message me if you want my number ^_^

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, Reel Big Fish do have a certain zest about it, don't they?

And it's sad when people fail to get They Might Be Giants, but I suppose it's bound to happen. Poor unenlightened masses.

Thanks for the offer of talking to me... though beware: the last random LJ person who volunteered for that sort of thing after reading something whiny I posted ended up being the one who wants me to come live with him this summer. :-D Just warning you.

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

Speaking of zest ... Zest it up! (http://no4thwalltobreak.keenspace.com/d/20040324.html)

err... sorry ... had to be done.

I'd like to think I'm not just some random LJ person ... *shrug* maybe I am though. And who's to say I wouldn't already welcome you into my home for the summer? ;)

the song only lasts a couple of minutes

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I tend not to see college as make or break.

But so little of your life is spent there, that I also tend not to see it as some immense time taken out of your life.

Go, or not go, as you wish.

But use whichever choice you make practically, however you define that.

[orgash.livejournal.com]

In running what you are experiecing is called hittng the wall...everyone does it from time to time. But quiting school? That's the easy way out.

College is all about enduring. So is life.

My advice is don't quit, hang in there, finish, and do whatever you want after you've finished. Maybe that degree won't matter--I've never used any of mine--but I'm pleased with myself that I hung in there to finish, y'know. The road (to borrow a phrase) is long. Relax and enjoy your brief time in academia--there'll be plenty of time to "experience" the real world and life.

[parakleta.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. It's interesting, on the whole idea of it being expected that smart people go to university, one of the lecturers in CS, for whom I have the most respect (and if I do end up doing honours, it will be with him as my sup or not at all), asked me in first year when I went to him for permission to overload a subject and he found out I was doing a double degree, "Why are you doing the double degree, because you got the marks, or because you really want to?" I wish I'd really thought about that question a lot harder before I'd answered, because in hindsight I would much rather have just done straight CS and then honours and out. I would have been finished 2 years ago, and would likely be much closer to where I want to be in life.

The only reason I'm still at university is because it's easier to be studying than doing anything else. I really quite enjoyed reading in "Time Enough for Love" about David Lamb. Heinlein seems to be the only author I know of to date who has written characters that I can empathise with, let alone aspire to be. I think David Lamb has the right idea about life.

I'm telling myself at the moment that I'll be doing honours next year, but that's simply because it's the easiest thing to go onto, because it doesn't actually involve doing anything different to what I'm doing at the moment, but I'm still tempted to explore other options like moving back to my parents place and getting a job, since it seems I'm going to have to get a job at some stage anyway, if I ever want to buy a block of land to set myself up on, and living at my parents place is much cheaper.

Finding the path of least resistance can be surprisingly difficult actually, because you don't want to walk into a ravine which forces you to take the long way.

[greenflower.livejournal.com]

Goodness, I know you've been hinting at this for a while, but I feel my nose has been buried in my books too long if you've already pretty much decided! We should get together sometime!
I ran into the same friend yesterday and she told me the cliff notes version about her semester. I feel bad that I didn't know some of the stuff sooner. Anyway, we should eat sometime.

[cosmolinguist]

Don't feel bad about not having noticed this... I haven't talked about it, and I didn't even think some of this stuff until last night. It was pretty much the first time I really considered if it'd be a good idea to take a break from school, or something. (And I didn't know anything about her semester, either, so you shouldn't feel too bad about that, as well. :-) )

I do very much agree that we shuld get together. You're the busy one; call me. :-) I'm not around my apartment much any more but I do have my cell phone on me most of the time if I am not; I think you have the number for that. If not, I can give it to you again.