Nothing to see here.

[cosmolinguist]

Well, no wonder he said he can't see spending his life with me or dating me after he's out of school or whatever it was that he said. I can't even see what's going to happen to me, how can I expect someone else to do better? And having a grilfriend who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life except be around me would bother me, if I were him. It's so lame. (Though, to be fair, I actually have no idea if this is really what he thinks because we haven't talked about it; it's just a jumping-off point for my thoughts on a bunch of other things, as the following paragraphs will show.)

Sometimes I myself am scared of my lack of knowledge of my future--even in high school that was true. I was scared of college, but I knew I'd be the kind of person who'd love it, and I was right. I did. I had a great time bieng a freshman. A year or two later, though, it started going downhill. I became this person who did bad stuff--like not go to class and not care about anything--without a good reason. I've been better this year, academically, but you can't really tell because of things beyond my control (like my CSci class, in which I think I got a D+). I should be graduating this spring but I'm not; I don't have enough credits because I've failed a couple of classes. I know my school is full of overachievers and it's no shame to stay 4½ or 5 years ... but the people who do those things have two or three majors (or two or three minors), or want to do something complicated (like education), or changed their minds halfway through some major in favor of something totally different--and none of those things is true of me. I just screwed up.

And I'm really mad about this. Sometimes I'm depressed about it--yesterday was one such day--but today I'm ready to punch a hole in a wall or something. I can feel a headache starting, and I imagine it's because I'm sitting here thinking about all this stuff. I'm twitching again, too; my muscles are full of nervous energy.

I kind of ignore all this stuff a lot of the time, I go around doing normal, everyday things and not thinking this because it doesn't do me any good. College is a hoop I'm jumping through, yes, but I'm getting to the end and all my friends are starting to talk about what they're doing next year and I don't know what I'm going to do next year. I don't even know what I want to do. That's something else that's usually distressing but angers me today. My life would be so much easier if I had some idea what I want out of it! But i don't care about having a lot of money, or prestige, or any of that crap. I want a job I don't hate, I want public transportation so I can get around (heh), I want a family some day. About what you'd expect. But I don't know how to get there from here.

I kind of like being angry, as opposed to sad. I have more energy this way. And I do things I wouldn't otherwise. A sad me would just sit around and mope and never write this, but Angry Me doesn't even care enough to filter it (making it friends-only wouldn't be good enough, the only people I'd want to keep from reading this are certain of my LJ friends I know in real life, and I figure it's not really worth it). I'm sorry I subjected you to this, though.

Comments

[kalieris.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's anything wrong with not knowing what you want to be when you grow up. : ) I'm 34, and I still haven't figured it out, although I've tried a bunch of different things along the way. It's entirely possible that this drives your former SO nuts, but that's not because you're defective in some way, it's because the two of you just aren't compatible on an issue that is kind of a deal-breaker for him (based on the first paragraph of your post).

It's ok not to know how to "get there from here." The people who think they do are in for a lot of frustration when things don't quite work out as planned. Which it won't because we simply don't have control over everything, and sometimes we simply end up going in a different direction than originally intended.

Everybody screws up - it's our deity-given right to do so, and it's a lot better than not ever having screwed up. The sooner you start screwing up, the better, IMNSHO, because if you've gotten to your 30's with everything going perfectly, you're going to be unseated by the littlest things. Getting the screw-ups out of the way early is kind of helpful, because you can only mature from there on out.

Everybody has periods during school where they get de-motivated and grades suffer. (My sophomore year was like that - a disastrous relationship, a major depressive episode, and linear algebra do NOT mix well.) Hang in there...

Helga

[cosmolinguist]

I have heard before that it's okay not to know what you're doing with your life (this is something I've complained about on many occasions over the years), and I believe that's true. Sometimes it would be nice to know what I'm doing next, though. :-) But I'll live.

It is nice to hear that I'm not defective. That made me laugh. Even though, as I said, I'm only guessing that I bother him becuase that kind of thing bothers me (and bothering myself is the real issue here :-)). I also liked the part about "The sooner you start screwing up, the better." And there actually is merit to that idea.

I feel better now. Thanks. :-)

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

[hug] Everybody goes through stages in life where they don't know how to get from where they are to where they want to be - I know I sure have.

Don't sweat the extra semester or two. I took six years to get my 4-year degree, and nobody really seems to care. The fact that you have a degree is far more important to potential employers than how long it took you to get it.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that the very friends you'd want to shelter from reading this sort of thing are the very ones who'd want to listen so they could make you feel better. Friends are funny that way. [smile]

[cosmolinguist]

You're probably right; my friends are cool. (I was reminded of this last weekend, when I actually had a reason to be distraught, and they were all very nice to me.)

And thanks. Sometimes I just need to be told things I've already heard before; it does indeed seem to help. (Oh, and hugs help, too!) Curse me and my illogical tendencies!

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

Hugs can help just about anything. I have a friend who thinks ear-nibbling fixes anything, but she has yet to convince me. Until she does, I'm going to stick with hugs.

[cosmolinguist]

While sensible, it is sort of a shame ... I mean, I'd love to see ::nibbles your ear:: instead of ::hugs:: in some of these cyber-conversations.

[gentleman-lech.livejournal.com]

Next time I think you need a hug, I'll remember you said that. [grin]

[mllesarah.livejournal.com]

Query: How many of your friends know what they want to do next? Catherine=Law School. Sarah Jean = Lost Allison = Lost Katie =..well, I'm not sure, or about Josh. But they have changed focuses alot too. Just because you screwed up doesn't mean no one else did. Your mistakes are unique to you. I have made my own mistakes, and so has everyone else. Go on, be angry. Everyone gets too. I promise to give you a hug, if thats what you want, later. I personally hate hugs when I'm angry, but that is just me. Don't people always say stuff like "it's the journey that matters." Maybe their right. College is not only about what you learn in classes, and what you can get done in four years, but what you learn about yourself. At least you have attempted college, and have hung in there. Imagine your life had you stayed at home.
Cheer up, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[cosmolinguist]

You know what you're doing next ... well, kind of. I don't know if you're officially going to France yet or not, but at least you have an idea.

(Katie will be doing the education program stuff next year, a semester of classes and a semester of student teaching. I don't know what Josh is doing because I don't think he does--I know he's talked about going back to seminary (he does, after all, only have a year-long leave of absence at this point, or something like that), and has also mentioned law school at least once. And anyway, they joke that Katie will have a full-time job before he does, so who knows. She can consider it vindication for him getting to do "her" education program a year before she gets to. :-))

I know I am not the only one. I know everyone makes mistakes. I was just mad. :-) I feel better now, but you can still hug me if you want. :-D Of course, tomorrow will probably end up being one of those days I leave before you are out of bed, or something (as today was, only the other way around). But still, it's the thought that counts.

Your friend Gina just came over to borrow some forks. Apparently her roommate left and there are no forks. Asha didn't know who she was (or where you were, which is what Gina asked when she called) but said she could come over, and Alyssa found some plastic forks for her. Such interesting things happen around here!

[tragicallyjulia.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel about the lack of direction. I started college just before I turned 16, so I could've had a Bachelor's by 20! But I screwed around because I didn't know what I wanted to do. (At 23, I still don't!) I don't even have an AA to show for my 3-4 years (part-time) in college.

I'm glad that you wrote this, though. I think it can help to get frustration like this off of your chest. And know that you are not alone in your experiences with any of this.

I'm sending you good thoughts.

[cosmolinguist]

I konw these things happen to people. I'm probably too hard on myself--even though I don't usually think of it in those terms, because a) I'm not usually hard on myself at all, and b) I'm surrounded by crazy, smart, intimidating people at this school.

I am also glad I wrote it--it did indeed help me get it off my chest a little, and everybody's comments have been good for me, as well.

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

I agree with kalieris up there. If you have your heart set on doing one thing, and you make all sorts of plans to have that happen, 9 times out of 10 your plans will fall apart and your hopes will be dashed on the cliffs of ... plans that fell apart.

I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life until my junior year of highschool when I took a Visaul Basic programming class. I had a lot of fun, and decided I wanted to be a programmer. So I went to community college and took programming courses. A programming job fell in my lap, and I decided I wanted something more ... more technical, so I went back to school for a networking degree, and here I am.

5 years down the road, who knows. I might be still working as a programmer, I might be in Australia or something, setting up a country wide network. Who knows. For all I know I could be driving cross country, hauling stuff for Walmart or something, in a semi in 10 years.

To quote the beginning of Mostly Harmless --

Anything happens, happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

Just keep your head down and try to do the best you can at the time.

*hugs*

[cosmolinguist]

I like the Mostly Harmless thing. Very profound, that.

I like the part about you driving a semi for Wal-Mart, too.

And I definitely like hugs, always. Thanks for helping cheer me up.

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

Adams does that sometimes. Stating what at first seems to be the blatantly obvious, but on closer inspection turn out to be something very profound. If you haven't yet, I really recommend reading the Hitchhiker's Guide series.

I'm glad I could cheer you up in some small way. :)

[cosmolinguist]

I have read the original, and Life, the Universe and Everything, because those are the two the library had. I was about ten.

I remember one of the high-school teachers (the high school is in the same building as the elementary school, so it's not that odd for a fifth-grader to see a high-school teacher in passing) seeng me carrying Hitchhiker's Guide around one day and just shaking her head at me. I was confused by this at the time, but I get it now.

How could I have forgotte4n this before?

[cosmolinguist]

Nothing beats your hopes will be dashed on the cliffs of ... plans that fell apart.

Re: How could I have forgotte4n this before?

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

hehe Glad you liked it. Feel free to use it. ;)

[autumnsshadow.livejournal.com]

I'll first admit I only really read the first couple paragraphs and then skimmed the rest, but wanted to offer a perspective.

Long story short(does anyone ever say that before they tell the long story?): Your future is going to change every day and you can't base a relationship on it. You can decide that someone is important enough to be committed to them no matter where your lives take you individually...even if that means not being together.


Long story: My history with theartemisiaway(to whom I'm currently married) is a long one. We met in college my freshman year, dated(more like I camped out in her room even when I was supposed to be in classes - we didn't really go on "dates") for a semester, were madly in love and then she broke it off over winter break "for a couple weeks" of space. Well, a couple weeks turned out to be until the following fall semester. In the meantime I'd see her around campus with whatever her flavor of the month was - a pretty poor indicator of my future with her, no? That next fall we got back together again for the semester and then it was my turn...things weren't working well(she liked to pick arguments with me and I liked to keep them going til I won) so I decided since it worked for her to take space then I'd take my "two weeks". See a pattern here? Basically, our relationship has become strong enough now to the point that we aren't currently even living together so that we can each live our lives at our own pace(read: we both want to build a house in Vermont, but she wanted to be up there asap and I wanted to enjoy the city a little longer and save up some money...there were other factors involved, but that's the heart of it). Though, if you'd asked me(even when things were really good) where I thought we'd be today, I don't think I would have guessed anything like where we've come to...there's a difference between planning a future with someone and being able to count on them to be there for you.

Meep!

[evil-grapefruit.livejournal.com]

I never know what I am doing. Right now I am writing a movie script with James, am a Theatre major, just because that is what I am good at. Haven't focused on my History major since god knows when. Its scary you know. Not knowing but its also exhilirating... you will be famous one day Holly... and we will all bow with envy...
Just dont forget us ;)
Loves
Jenn

[xsilverfox.livejournal.com]

I left college last spring with two degrees and now almost a year later I working - in a gas station. I'm certainly not happy with that fact, and I know that members of my family (on both sides) are disappointed. But except for a moments here there (and the occasional feeling that is almost exaclty like your first paragraph) I'm not losing much sleep over it.

The key is this, you're going to be working until your almost 80 years old. So what if you don't start where you like and don't know what you want to do, you've got time. Everyone changes jobs and careers in their lives, just don't give up searching for what (or who) you want.

"I say may I never be complete, I say may I never be content" - Tyler Durden

[cosmolinguist]

It's not about working, though. It's about how I define myself. For most people, this is entangled with their job/career, but what you do isn't really the same as who you are. I don't think it should be, at any rate.

And Tyler Durden's a moron. I hate that movie. I'd love to be content, to feel complete. Maybe I just lack ambition ... but, considering how hard happiness can be to achieve, sometimes, I think I'm actually setting my sights pretty high.