Build your wings on the way down.

[cosmolinguist]

I breezed through school without much trouble or effort. “Effortless intention to succeed seems to me to be the ideal attitude,” say the gambling experts who tell you scared money never wins.

But my effortless early success meant I didn't learn how to study, how to manage my time, how to bullshit, how to settle, how to regurgitate what I was told without engaging my brain...

So of course, without all those skills, I crashed and burned in college.

If we'd had kids I hope I'd tell them, if they asked how their parents met (do kids ask this? I never did because no one told me stories), that we met because sometimes your life doesn't go the way you think it will and sometimes there's someone who understands that.

Even if they're 4000 miles away.

I hadn't even been on a plane before, but I wasn't as afraid of going to see him as I was to tell my parents, who complained I didn't see them enough when I was in college 200 miles away that this was how I was going to spend the summer after I failed or dropped out (I've never been quite sure which).

Who says scared money never wins?

I was so afraid of the black hole my life had become, that just seemed to have sucked all my plans and hopes and personality into itself and giving me nothing in return but endless blackness to stare down. I had to run before that blackness became a Wile E. Coyote-type tunnel with a train roaring out of it to squash him flat. I don't recover as easily as cartoon characters.

So then there was the day when I was getting ready for work when suddenly, reaching for my favorite red sweater to complete that day's armor my knees just collapsed beneath me; my body refused to do what I asked of it and all I could do was cry until my dear husband came in to see what was wrong.

Who says scared money never wins?

I didn't go to work that day; I did something I was even more reluctant to: I went to the doctor. I finally tried to talk about how all these isolated incidents in my past weren't isolated at all and that it was time to talk about drugs or counselling or something. I grudgingly admitted that pretending that “depression” only happened to other people was not only stupid but counterproductive: I was getting worse instead of better, as you will if you push any part of your body too hard – walking on a broken leg only causes more damage to it – and now I had anxiety along with the depression.

I learned that all these physical symptoms I berated myself for (“I'm lazy,” “I'm a bad person,” “I just don't want to work” ...all the lies people with mental illnesses are told by the people who resent our existence and want to make it our fault so they know they're safe from ever experiencing such a thing themselves) were anxiety and panic attacks.

I've learned a lot since then about what I can and can't and should and shouldn't do, and more than (almost) anything I wish I could tell that to the version of myself who so loved college but wasn't ready for it at all.

Of course I wish I didn't have to fuck up as badly as I did to learn all these stupid life lessons. That early success taught me to hate and resent and regret failure, so I wish I could've avoided so much of it.

But...I've met people who've never had to spend their scared money, people who've gone seamlessly from good families to good grades to good jobs and good lives with good houses and good people around them. And (I don't think this is only because I envy them, but) I find a lot of them kind of hard to be around. We seem to be living on different planes of existence.

Plus a lot of them are dickheads with massive entitlement complexes.

The people I'm closest to, they all seem to have had times in their lives where they fucked up like I did, or where the world just shat on them because it's unfair, and they've had to throw everything they had at the situation in hopes of improving it. Not even with the “intention to succeed,” because there's no guarantee of success, but just because we have hope and we have to do something.

It hasn't always worked – scared money doesn't always win – but in the process of trying we seem to have gained some kind of fellow feeling, a basic level of introspection, or just giving-someone-the-benefit-of-the-doubt, none of which the dickheads can usually muster.

I don't look for sob stories when I meet people; I just find out gradually as our relationships deepen that a lot of the best of us have been through a lot of the worst (many much worse than me). I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and some of the silver linings are awfully slender indeed, but I think it helps to dwell on the good stuff I wouldn't have now if I hadn't risked my scared money, because I so far have been lucky enough to win.

Comments

[gillyg.livejournal.com]

This rings so many bells with me. Thank you for sharing.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you for saying so.

[hartleyhare.livejournal.com]

Me too. Especially this bit:

The people I'm closest to, they all seem to have had times in their lives where they fucked up like I did, or where the world just shat on them because it's unfair, and they've had to throw everything they had at the situation in hopes of improving it. Not even with the “intention to succeed,” because there's no guarantee of success, but just because we have hope and we have to do something.

I think one of the good things about being the age I am is that I can recognise this, rather than thinking I'm the only one. All the people I'm closest to - without exception - are people who've had shit times and emerged the other end.

Thank you.

[cosmolinguist]

one of the good things about being the age I am is that I can recognise this, rather than thinking I'm the only one.

I think LJ's helped me get an early start on sorting out this "I'm the only one" nonsense, and it's one of the things for which I am most grateful to it.

[cosmolinguist]

Bonus points to anyone who gets the reference in the title without googling.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, considering who said it it's topical today and I bet a lot more people's eyes will pass across those words even without me adding to it.

You can say it if you like; by the time they've read all these comments, anyone who doesn't know is going to google it anyway ;)

I thought this might be the topic for another of our unintentional intersections.

[cosmolinguist]

For some reason I was thinking it's an Icarus reference

The wings didn't work out so well for Icarus, which would've rendered my whole argument here moot :)

Five intersections sounds like a fantastically fun idea, that could well be both awesome and killer.

I have some really interesting thoughts I'm going to post on your previous entry at some point. But first my brain has to start functioning again (seriously stressed out from work) so maybe not tonight!

No rush; it's not going anywhere :) I look forward to your thoughts, which I so often find really interesting and am especially intrigued by on that topic. And I'm sorry work is so stressful; may it improve soon.

[cosmolinguist]

Ah I see. Well, that'd be a happier ending for Icarus than he usually gets!

"Exploit and enjoy" sound like a wonderful combination :) I look forward to reading your entries.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

Been on the verge of tears all afternoon since I heard...

[cosmolinguist]

I was surprised what a blow it was to me -- after all he was old and had lived what seemed to be a good life. But of course the news made me nostalgic, and it made me finally realize the part he played in making me the thinker and writer I am now.

And despite the sadness of the news it's cheering to see how many others are saying the same things ("he made me want to write, and write well" made me smile in recognition) and how this man has brought so many of us together in the common experience of being glad to have read his words.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

I've met people who've never had to spend their scared money, people who've gone seamlessly from good families to good grades to good jobs and good lives with good houses and good people around them.

I think I'm one of those people and I try as hard as I can not to be an entitled dickhead about it. And I've watched a lot of good friends rebuild their lives from the ground up (and I've done my best to help that process) and I'm awed by the strength it takes.

[cosmolinguist]

I hope you didn't think I was talking about you :) I was thinking mostly of a) a certain ex of mine and b) the kind of people who go from Eton to Oxbridge to Tory toff to running the goddam country without a clue as to what most of it is like.

But definitely not the likes of you; I'm happy your life has gone as well as it has in the ways it has and it's obvious that you have thought about and do care about people who have been less fortunate and you do a hell of a lot to help them out.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

It wasn't so much a request for reassurance (although that's nice to hear), more of a promise to myself not to turn into one of those people.

[goodqueenmolly.livejournal.com]

Truth.

[beldarzfixon.livejournal.com]

I have no love for the "you're too fat" doctor, there's way too many of them.

[uglybuffy.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to childishly add that I love the word "dickhead".

[cosmolinguist]

I think of it as an American word and I guess with recent events and contemplations I have more American words on the tip of my tongue (or fingers).

[tdaschel.livejournal.com]

It hasn't always worked – scared money doesn't always win – but in the process of trying we seem to have gained some kind of fellow feeling, a basic level of introspection, or just giving-someone-the-benefit-of-the-doubt ..

remarkable! (went to local library that was supposed to have a hard-to-find story collection by Anna Kavan. turned out it - and countless other titles - were .. de.activated during a "renovation" process. determined to check out *something*, i discovered a biography of Patricia Highsmith, the crime writer whose decidedly non.crime The Price of Salt may be her most exquisite work. anyway, some of your remarks could serve as short-hand for what i'm reading of her early - and fascinating - life : issues of trust, of belonging, and what.not).

[cosmolinguist]

I like how often you tell me what I'm writing coincides in some way with what you're reading.

[medleymisty.livejournal.com]

I also had it really easy in school, and then crashed and burned in college.

Also I totally agree with your thesis here. Buddha had to leave the castle and see suffering and sickness and death to become enlightened. Back home, whenever someone is being nasty and selfish, we say "They've never suffered a day in their life." It seems that humans just don't naturally develop empathy, that they have to suffer for it.

[goodqueenmolly.livejournal.com]

The way you express these things are pure gold. That is all.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you.

[beldarzfixon.livejournal.com]

people who've gone seamlessly from good families to good grades to good jobs and good lives with good houses and good people around them
I marvel at what life would be like for such people, I really can't identify with it -- yet I know they exist.

As for me, I finally cashed in some scared money and got help. Glad you did, too.

[cosmolinguist]

I marvel at what life would be like for such people, I really can't identify with it -- yet I know they exist.

I think here I have been too quick to make these people some mysterious Other who are nothing to do with me or my friends. And yet I have friends who've pointed out that they feel this describes them...but all agree that it hasn't turned them into dicks :) If I think that's their being nice people means they can't have had such easy lives I'm making dangerous generalizations; it's not for me to tell other people what their lives have been like.

But it does seem there's a certain sort of person who find us -- we fuck-ups, we unfortunate and disadvantaged -- as incomprehensible as we find them. And a lot of them seem to be very successful in politics and business and other influential areas of life. Then they make wild generalizations about us...that people are only poor because they make bad choices, that being ill or injured is a sign of moral weakness that shouldn't be coddled with access to health care, etc.etc. That's what pisses me off.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* My life's been pretty easy, but I try not to be mean to people over it. *hugs*

[cosmolinguist]

I can't imagine you being mean :)

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

My stories aren't the same as yours, but I've definitely had times when I fucked up. It's the ugly bits that make us a little more interesting in the long run, I think. I'm glad you got help. :)

[cosmolinguist]

It's the ugly bits that make us a little more interesting in the long run, I think

They certainly can :) Some people seem to stay ugly, or even to cultivate ugliness where it need not exist. But they're usually pretty easy to spot and in the long run they seem to mark themselves out as people I don't want to have anything to do with if I can help it.

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

This is true. There's a difference between embracing your faults and cultivating them. :)

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

As a fat drunkard who is often under employed...I get a lot of "Just do (whatever) like everyone else, and you'll be fine!"

Harder to accomplish than it is to say. Nice entry.

[cosmolinguist]

And doing things like everyone else isn't always the prize they think it is, anyway...

[notodette.livejournal.com]

This is really a moving entry. One of your best, I'd say. Thank you.

[cosmolinguist]

Wow, thank you. I nearly didn't write it; you help me be glad I did.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Love the tone here - the contrast between lyricism and practical snark :)

"want to make it our fault so they know they're safe from ever experiencing such a thing themselves" - You may already know this, but that's why lawyers prosecuting rape cases don't want women on their juries.

[cosmolinguist]

I don't know if I did know that already, or if I'm just so thoroughly unsurprised by it that it feels like I did.

[ellakite.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to mention this initially... but I may as well tell the whole damned truth:

I nearly flunked out of college due to depression. Twice.

While I have a successful career, I'm sure my career hasn't been anywhere near as successful as it could have been... due to depression.

I still have doubts about almost every single aspect of myself... due to depression.


On the one hand, except for a few periods of "crisis" brought on by overwhelming stress (like witnessing the 9/11 attacks), I've been able to function in "the real world".

On the other hand, decades of therapy and antidepressants haven't helped me much... if at all.


I wish you better luck... and thank you for sharing.