Welcome back, Holly

[cosmolinguist]

And... I managed to make it home and start in on the problem-fixing before I burst into tears.

Of course I didn't finish fixing the problems, beyond starting to make inroads on the mountain of laundry that needs doing and emptying the dehumidifier (only a week after it needed it!). But I'm amazed I kept it together for as long as I did before succumbing to hysterics.

The damn smoke alarm was the last straw. It's beeping and I can't get it off the wall to replace the batteries or whatever. I can't see what I'm doing well enough to know why, because it's at the top of the basement stairs and no lights in the basement work now. Which was a delightful problem all its own that I didn't solve but at least kludged together something that meant I could sort laundry and empty the dehumidifiers. Which also involved a lot of frustration and having problems with the tininess and darkness of various things that I know a fully-sighted person wouldn't have, and I again hated how blind I am. I think the solution to how to get the smoke alarm open would also probably be more obvious to someone who could see better.

And all of a sudden I just hated how difficult everything feels for me, hated my awful headache, brought on by a sinus infection that got much worse when flying (especially the landings, especially because they were only a couple hours apart), hated how draining time spent with my family is and how my Christmas holiday was no holiday at all, hated how much there is to fix and do and mend and sort and how completely inadequate I feel to the task, hated that my hysterical tears were just further proof of that inadequacy, hated that I didn't get the job I interviewed so well for so I'm back to soul-sucking job hunting for things I don't even want to do...

I don't break down crying very often at all, so I forget that when I do, it feels like I'll never stop. I don't how how to stop. I don't know how to go on.

Comments

[rmc28]

I'm not very good at crying, but one thing I have (slowly) learned, is that crying it itself isn't a failure or a sign of failure. It's just a release of emotion and stress.

The other thing I struggle with is being as kind to myself as I would to a loved friend in the same situation. But it helps to sort of say to myself "imagine if it were X or Y feeling like this / dealing with this, what would you do then" and at least I have a starting point.

*hugs* if wanted; take care of yourself.

[cosmolinguist]

Hugs are good, thanks :)

I think what I'm struggling with now is that I know what I'd say to a friend in such a situation: I'd have to say "that's hard, I love you, but I can't think of anything I can do to help. I'm just so overwhelmed and tired myself." Because that's what I'd do: I'd want to help. I'd do something tangible and practical. And that's what I need now, myself.

Not being able to give myself the help I'd like to give anyone else leads to me feeling very lonely when, as my current blog title says, I have to be my own fairy godmother if anything's going to improve for my life. My friends are great, my husband's devoted to my happiness...but there are still some things that just, one way or another, are waiting on me to do them because I'm the only one who can or will.

[calissa]

Having friends on the Internet is a wonderful thing, but it can be so frustrating when I'm all the way over here and you are all the way over there. Wishing you tea & hugs & someone who can help.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, a lot of the people most supportive and sustaining for me are far too far away for this kind of help. But luckily when one of the friends most excited to have me back in the UK mentioned that she'd like to see me, she didn't mind that the first thing I suggested is that she give me a lift to a DIY store. :)

[calissa]

Very glad to hear you have such a good friend :)

[strange-complex.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten, and sorry for the multiple irritations which built up to cause it. Please don't feel inadequate for having a good old wail about it all, though. I think transatlantic flights alone leave most people feeling like that, never mind all the other stuff.

[diffrentcolours]

I am happy to come round at your convenience and look at your smoke alarm.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. Feel free to come round for a cuppa then. :) It's only intermittent so I'm less agitated now than I was then -- and being away overnight tonight helps, too. ;)