...and what have you done?

[cosmolinguist]

Except for Andrew and the good friends I have, my twenties have pretty much sucked. I've been so busy regetting not doing everything I haven't done that people are "supposed" to do in their 20s -- drink a lot, go clubbing, have a lot of sex, be thin and beautiful and overvalued in our culture and desired in a way they never will be again, etc.etc. -- I didn't really do.

My academic career burst into flames, and that same illness is still doing its best to screw up my life. I lost my brother, and I'll never be able to gain anything that makes that be really okay. I've questioned nearly every thing about my life, and didn't like some of the answers. I moved further away from home than I ever wanted to go, and it's good but it was not easy.

I turned 20 with the merest inkling that something might be wrong in my brain and my life might not be on the best path for it, but I tried not to think about those things because I knew of no other path. I wonder how much my life will change in the next decade.

Sometimes I fear it won't change at all. But I think I know better.

Comments

[sfred]

I hope your thirties are kinder to you.

Love you.
x

[chiller]

For what it's worth, my 20s sucked, too. I was too busy trying to be everything I thought I was supposed to be, and didn't have time to be myself, and I was too young to know what "myself" was, even. 30s are better. 40s are even better than that because your tolerance for BS drops to the minus figures.

And yes, some losses are too great for anything to make up for them. They just sit there. But there are other great gains, so you end up with a topography: here a valley, here a mountain - one doesn't make up for the other, but both have their place in the landscape.

[cosmolinguist]

A lot of people say they didn't feel settled in their 20s. A lot of my friends are older than me and they do seem more comfortable with themselves (and yes, refreshingly less tolerant of BS) as they get older. I look forward to that.

The topology idea is some comfort to me too :) I know that's how it works, but some days I'm just petulant and want what I want, as if that were enough to get it for me. Thanks for saying such lovely things.

[cosmolinguist]

I really don't think they can be any less kind. I think even if everything goes wrong again, it can't be as bad a blow as the first time, when I didn't know my life could go that wrong; I didn't know I could fall off the path because I thought it was the only one. That made it so much worse than it otherwise would've been, than it would be in the future.

And at least I know I can't lose my brother again.

Love you too. You've made this year happier and better for me than it otherwise would've. After a week of unsettling dreams, last night I dreamt of spending some lovely time with you, which is like the opposite of those previous dreams. You make my brain happy even when I am not looking x

[sfred]

*hugs*
You make my brain happy even when I am not looking
This makes me happy.
x

[cosmolinguist]

I mentioned it precisely because I hoped it would :)

Seems only fair when you've already made me happy!
x

[trinker]

May you grow more into yourself, and have all the joys I'd wish for you, and more.

[cosmolinguist]

I love to bask in your words. I admire how well you use them.

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

I feel for you.

If I could recommend one thing, it would be to remember what you were capable of as often as possible, rather than fretting over what you can no longer be. This is something I've been working on, and once it starts to settle in, it can be very helpful in getting you to the answers about what you're capable of now. I suspect it's a lot- probably more than many who will never face this challenge are capable of. :)

[patrick-vecchio.livejournal.com]

Better must come.

[genesisdesire.livejournal.com]

Please don't regret those things, dearling. And never, ever feel like you have to follow a path because it's what you're 'supposed' to do.

It's almost getting trite now, but it does get better. I see your fight. I see your strength. And I want you to know that it inspires me.

Best thoughts.

[marjory.livejournal.com]

Turning 30 was a huge relief to me. I didn't much enjoy my 20s at all and don't buy the whole best years of your life schtick about any era. One is still finding one's feet. I still am.

I'm not the person I wanted to be when I was younger, but I've grown more forgiving of myself (and others, I think) and stopped trying to force myself into a mould. My brain and body have also hijacked the show (so it feels) and that's just... life. Who wants a dull, straightforward life, right?

(me, really)

I don't know what to say about your brother except that I'm sorry.

[cosmolinguist]

It might not come through from how I wrote it here, but I am not fretting over too much that I didn't do (would be nice to have the degree, but that's it. The stupid and arbitrary unspoken assumptions of things you're meant to start or stop or whatever as you move from your 20s to your 30s is a list of things I either neither started (getting drunk all the time, sleeping with a lot of people, etc.) or won't stop (a list from a woman's magazine said you're not allowed to wear hoodies once you turn 30! fuck that!).

The line between depression/anxiety and things I fucked up and deserve to feel bad about is very thin and I'm sure I feel bad about too many things; it's tricky for me. But other than that, I am relieved that I don't have the angst about a birthday with a zero at the end of it that a lot of people seem to suffer with.

[cosmolinguist]

It better! :)

[cosmolinguist]

Not doing what I was supposed to is a big lesson my twenties have taught me. I don't feel bad about that at all (except that it's dragging me further (metaphorically as well as geographically!) from my family, but that can't be helped. I tried hard, but it turns out I'm very bad at doing what I'm supposed to, so I made a virtue of the necessity of giving that up. Despite the occasional twinge and still never feeling like a proper grown-up, I'm content with the way things are.

Your words are kind and warming. Thanks.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I'm sorry too. Don't remember if you were reading my LJ then but less than a month ago marked six years since he died. I still see things I know he'd like as presents (his brithday's in December too) and half-reach for my money to buy them for his presents, before I remember.

I'm feeling a bit hijacked too, and that makes forgiving myself difficult. I don't know where the line is; what's my faults and what's my illness. What's stupid guilt and self-deprecation I was raised with, that I'd be better off without.