[196/365] eyedrops

The thing I couldn't talk about yet the other day is that Gary has the same problem with his eye that he did before, but worse.

D had to take him to the vet all by himself, and he put us on speakerphone while he was there. MB and I were sitting across the table from each other, trying to eat soup for lunch even though neither of us was hungry and it was almost four o'clock. She was too ill to go with Gary; I'd just gotten out of a meeting I couldn't skip or postpone because of this intense time I'm having at work. When the vet suggested referring Gary for the operation, I tried to rest my hand on hers but she grabbed mine and we just sat there clutching each other's hand for the rest of the call. It was horrible. I worried she'd blame herself for not having caught this one as early as last time, but she was just sad that Gary was suffering and worried about the future possibilities.

The possibility that isn't the operation is the eyedrops again, "but much more often," I remember the vet saying. Three different kinds now, a total of eight times a day.

Five times a day was grueling enough. This seems to have crossed some kind of threshold for Gary where he is just not okay all the rest of the time either. He's incredibly reactive: barking a lot even when no one is near him now, trying to bite sooner and harder... so it's not just when we're doing the drops, it's affecting him and thus us all the time.

The combination of him being like that and MB being in such poor health lately means I'm having Gary in my room every night, which is sometimes a trial in itself -- last night he woke up from a sound sleep to bark and lunge at me when I moved at all, even though I was just trying to get my pajamas and put them on and stuff, things that were nothing to do with him; I was not sure how I would safely get into my bed for a while, a rare moment of "I am not sure how to handle this Gary situation" for me -- and also means D and I have had to sneak in our cuddles where we can; a couple of naps and one time when I got up to pee about the time he was going to bed in the spare room, we decided I could join him (Gary was long asleep in my bed by that point and did not seem to miss me). I'm feeling even more touch-starved than usual, which is not helping with the mental and emotional toll this is taking.

And we quickly determined that D couldn't go camping next week either. It's too much to ask MB to do the eyedrops all the time for that many days. He's really sad about that and worried about letting down someone he loves, so that's no fun either. MB was sad she wasn't well enough to help with the vet visit (poor D ended up with bites on his fingers just from trying to get Gary in the car). I was completely overwhelmed with work to the point of being unable to process this, just feeling small and alone.

Thursday was also the day that an online friend had to say goodbye to her dog, another elderly terrier who was more similar to Gary than any dog I have ever known of; it's partly how me and this lady became friends, just saying "my dog does that too!" at each other. I've never cried so many tears for a dog I never met as I have for Sterling, because I do feel like I met him. So it was a sad day for me anyway, and an especially rough day to get difficult news about Gary.

Still, always, moments of grace: this morning I didn't wake up with his butt in my armpit like usual when he shares my bed, but to such photogenic snuggles, and with him being happier than usual to have my arm wrapped around him. Even when he's barking and aggressive it's so clear that he's trying so hard to be a good boy, and I am more convinced every day that he is the best boy.