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[127/365] interview deja vu
May. 7th, 2022 01:09 pmAnother one of this job appeared again, so I applied for it again. (The application was easier! I changed the date on the cover letter and that was about it!)
I was about to say that I felt very differently about getting an interview this time, but since I blog about everything it reminds me of stuff I'd forgotten, like I was miserable that time too! But differently. That time, I was incredibly anxious: the stakes felt so high because I felt so well suited to this job and I really wanted it. This time, I was like ah, god, the times I've been offered are so inconvenient for my schedule next week!
This time I'm only worried that I am not at all worried. I had to make a phone reminder for it because I was so worried that I might forget about the interview altogether otherwise.
It isn't that I don't want the job any more or anything, but between how they kind of dicked me around last time (which turned out to be way less personal than I thought; it really was a "it's not me it's them" situation but I didn't know that for like nine months) and just how full-on life has been for me lately -- the divorce and mortgage stuff, my unbelievably bad sleep, ongoing inability to get health care for chronic stuff, work has been a lot... so much that I'm about to go there on a Saturday.
Yeah. It all adds up to feeling very dissociated from this job interview, it doesn't feel real (in a much more beige way than the last one, which I was absolutely giddy about; that felt unreal in such a fun way, this feels unreal in a boring way). Maybe I've found the way around my job-interview-anxiety is to just be too tired and depressed to give a shit? That can't be right.
I was about to say that I felt very differently about getting an interview this time, but since I blog about everything it reminds me of stuff I'd forgotten, like I was miserable that time too! But differently. That time, I was incredibly anxious: the stakes felt so high because I felt so well suited to this job and I really wanted it. This time, I was like ah, god, the times I've been offered are so inconvenient for my schedule next week!
This time I'm only worried that I am not at all worried. I had to make a phone reminder for it because I was so worried that I might forget about the interview altogether otherwise.
It isn't that I don't want the job any more or anything, but between how they kind of dicked me around last time (which turned out to be way less personal than I thought; it really was a "it's not me it's them" situation but I didn't know that for like nine months) and just how full-on life has been for me lately -- the divorce and mortgage stuff, my unbelievably bad sleep, ongoing inability to get health care for chronic stuff, work has been a lot... so much that I'm about to go there on a Saturday.
Yeah. It all adds up to feeling very dissociated from this job interview, it doesn't feel real (in a much more beige way than the last one, which I was absolutely giddy about; that felt unreal in such a fun way, this feels unreal in a boring way). Maybe I've found the way around my job-interview-anxiety is to just be too tired and depressed to give a shit? That can't be right.