talking too much about talking too much

[cosmolinguist]

This is not my problem, but the the advice-column answer is describing me:

And then there are smart women with lots to say who are also very sensitive and weird and analytical and incredibly talkative, who ALSO listen very closely. These women are often labeled "a little too intense." We think way too much, and slice and dice everything under the sun like a Ginsu knife that's been sharpened one too many times and is now capable of cutting a watermelon in half like it's made of crepe paper.

And while it's true that no one REALLY needs a knife that sharp, there we are, the sharpest fucking knives in the motherfucking drawer...Every now and then, we want to bring up tough, tangled, difficult situations and memories and experiences, and we want to slice and dice that shit up and shine a light on this or that and dig deeper and wonder and ponder and maybe even cry some tears over some dusty old loss or some injury or even something bad that happened to someone else.

This is one of the things I hate most about myself. I can't help but connect unconnected things in my head, and from this comes art and creativity and charm...in some people, but in me I swear it only leads to tangents and digressions and killing conversations.

I do not have the problem this letter-writer does because I am loved by good listeners, and I have lots of reassurance from them that my bouts of incessant talking about everything in the world, my excessive enthusiasm and empathy and weird random memories, are completely fine.

But I have all those reassurances because I need them. I need them because the first assurances didn't work, because I still keep pre-emptively apologizing for being rambly and weird. It gets really bad when I apologize for the pre-emptive apology (because I'm so conscious of how dumb and annoying they are...even as I'm also conscious that this can set off a vicious circle of apology that could end the world's energy crisis if only we could find a way to harness it).

I don't know why I do this. But I realized today that assuming it's the usual reason for pre-emptive apology -- getting the criticism in myself before anyone else can do it, so I can to some extent control it -- isn't quite sufficient.

That's probably part of why I offer annoying stupid unnecessary apologies for talking, but part of it also is that the person who hates this isn't my partner like it is for the letter-writer. It's me. I hate this about myself. I will listen to and be charmed by and even crave the intensity of anyone I care about...as long as it isn't me. And since I find myself wearying and I'm neurotypical enough that if I'm not careful I expect others to share my thoughts and beliefs based on no evidence whatsoever, I worry that I must be putting people off. And that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy once the apologies start kicking in, because people who continually apologize for their own existence are hard work.

I think I'd have been pretty bad at this talking thing anyway because I was a weird kid who read a lot -- and indiscriminately -- and didn't have anyone to talk to about most of the things the books put in my head, but moving away made it so much worse.

Because now sometimes I have to feel a bit tired and sad when I think that there's nobody around who gets some of the things about me or how I got to be this way, and that the best they can get is my explanations. The closest I get to an exception to that is people like Andrew who got the explanations long enough ago that I don't remember most of them -- and he's met my family, which helps a lot.

(Just deleted a big paragraph here about something unrelated, sparked off by a mere few words of that last sentence. Proof as if I needed it that I really am as prone to that kind of thing as I say I am here.)

And of course Andrew knows a lot of things about me that I haven't had to tell him, because he's known me for ten years. I'm very "tell, don't show" about myself so I have to remember that "showing" is going on anyway, that people will make up their own minds about me without or even despite what I say about myself.

Talking with a couple of friends last week about someone we all know, one of us said, "And her story of herself is..." and eventually acknowledged that she wouldn't like this story (even though it's one that I bet all of my mutual acquaintances with her would agree on, and no it's not any of you so don't worry, and that's not the point anyway) but that there might be similar unflattering stories that people have about us. I had already been wondering what people's story about me would be, and worried that it was that I am mean and abrasive (I have been feeling especially sarcastic lately, and don't know if this is because I'm encountering more douchebaggery as of late or because ive only just reached a basic level of self-awareness).

It's probably that I talk too much.

All right, I'm bored with this, I'm going for a Twix.

Comments

[andrewhickey.info]

You're honestly the *least* abrasive, mean person I know. As far as I'm aware, what people think of you is mostly "tries too hard to help other people, puts that ahead of her health too much, inexplicably tolerates her annoying husband. Clever, kind, and funny."

I may be wrong, but I sincerely doubt it.

[cosmolinguist]

I told this "mean and abrasive" thing to Emily and she laughed and said it was just a function of hanging out with the people I do. I told someone else and they laughed too. I do think people are seeing it as a joke of mine, which it probably is.

And I know what you think of me, because you tell me 1000 times a day, but thank you.

[andrewhickey.info]

I wasn't talking about what I think of you, but what I think other people think of you.

[cosmolinguist]

You will think I'm less mean and abrasive to you because we're awful to each other as a means of showing affection and you're the one who sees me unable to watch things like Clavdivs or Hannibal because it's got too many people being awful to each other.

[magister]

I'm agreeing with Andrew. Apart from the words "inexplicably" and "annoying", neither of which are accurate.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I reckon I don't have to listen to him until he stops being wrong about himself. ;)

[andrewhickey.info]

Ah, but I can't be wrong about myself, because I am Always Right. Ask Jennie.

[cosmolinguist]

Ah, but is Jennie right when she says that?

[andrewhickey.info]

Jennie is Usually Right, so I'd say the chances are very good.

[magister]

Hmm.Not convinced.

[cosmolinguist]

Haha, glad you said this rather than me. ;)

[quirkytizzy]

I'm a talker. I'm a talker online and I'm a talker IRL. I talk. A LOT. A fuckton. A metric fuckton. To the point where I'm constantly apologizing for monopolizing the conversation, feeling guilty that maybe I'm not letting other people speak, and asking for reassurance for my endless rambling dissection of every single stupid detail of my life.

I do this a lot with my best friend/ex-husband. (He is both.) Constantly. And what he says is that if you know somebody, you know them. And if you know them and if you love them, then you are okay with how they work. So he is okay with how I work. He is my perpetual sounding board, my cheerleader, my pep squad, and occasionally giver-of-hugs.

It really does take all kinds. Listeners and talkers. Think of how lonely it would be if all there were was Listeners.

Seriously, if you had been around with my budding friendship with a guy I call WG, you would see this entry you wrote being written in my journal over and over. I get seriously insecure about how much I talk, but that's just how I process things.

It's okay to be that kind of a person.

Also, a Twix sounds AMAZING right now!

[cosmolinguist]

Haha, the "I'm bored with this, I'm going for a Twix" line is from a show I love, The Thick of It, and just the context (in the midst of a big shouty argument among many people) and the way it's delivered (by one of the actors I find most consistently funny in a funny show) just kills me every time I watch it.

(And it's possible I've watched it a lot. :) )

I just couldn't think of a good way to end this, and I think that's a great get-out line, and I wanted something to make people (or, at least, me) smile after so much navel-gazing nonsense.

[magister]

"A fiver if you set off the sprinklers" is always worth remembering.

[cosmolinguist]

Ooh I'd forgotten about that one.

Man. I'm going to end up watching The Thick of It all night. Again.

[magister]

Trying to think of a way to say this is an example of Tucker's Law. Failing. Maybe you can download rice?

[cosmolinguist]

I'm busy setting up a department to count the moon.

[cosmolinguist]

It wasn't The Thick of It, but I did utterly waste this evening with brainless telly. Netflix is really bad for me when I'm depressed. But then, I was depressed before there was Netflix and it wasn't like I got any more done then, I was just more bored by sitting on the sofa. So maybe it's not so bad after all.

[pseudomonas]

I haven't met you in person, so can't speak for that, but the rambliness makes good blogging :)

[kaberett]

1. I like you.

2. I've had this post open in tabs since you made it because I think it's important and valuable and I have stuff to get out of it, so, like, thank you so much for writing it and for poking my brainmeats. I am sorry I don't have a more substantive response, but I really seriously appreciate this.

[cosmolinguist]

2. I'm very glad this was/is of use to you. Of course I fretted as soon as I wrote it that I shouldn't have, and it's nice to be reminded of what a silly thought that is. That's substantive comment enough; don't worry (though of course if you ever do have more to say on the subject, I'd be fascinated to hear it). I'm glad it's still being useful to anyone out there in the world, that's more than enough for me.

1. I like you too. (I know I addressed these out of order but I wanted to end on that point.)

[taimatsu]

I'm rather paranoid about what others' 'story of me' might be, and partly because I feel like there's things I don't know about myself, that others might see and understand but not tell me because they are negative. So I end up wanting to pin down all my closest friends and compel them to tell me all my faults. Which I don't do because that's bonkers. But still.

I like the way you talk and the things you think and all those things about you.

[cosmolinguist]

I think it's bonkers too, and I'm so bad at taking criticism I would actually go mad. I do think I'm my own worst enemy, though. I think the number of children, autistic people, and other people who are not good at politeness that I know hopefully mean I have been told all the things wrong with me by now. :)

I like you a lot too. I hope things are going well with you.

[mrs-leroy-brown.livejournal.com]

I find that it's either blab away with all the tangents and the how'd-ya-get-there's or live in my head, and the latter is just awful.

I am so glad you have people around you who get you :D

[cosmolinguist]

Well they say nice things and are patient with me, which is about all I need really. :)