on the horns of a dilemma

[cosmolinguist]

I was asked at work Friday if I want to go on the train-the-trainer program my work is doing next week.

(I was already going along anyway: in my role as office manager, it was thought good for people to meet me and stuff. I know some of the soon-to-be trainers but not all, and the ones I know, I know in different roles than the one they'll be taking on, which will involve me being kind of a communication hub and keeping tabs on them.)

When I was asked I thought, "sure! Why not?" I have seen the course being delivered (all the way through over my first year in this job, and we're halfway through it again now) and I thought from the very beginning that running it looks like a pretty interesting and cool and fun job to do.

I've never done facilitation or training on anything like this level, which would make it good fodder for my CV (especially because as well as the explicit standing-up-there-with-a-flipchart stuff, there's tons of one-on-one coaching and stuff that go on, especially between the residential blocks of the course, and that too is good skills I don't see how I'd acquire otherwise). My boss has talked about funding me going back to university, but it doesn't sound like we have the cash for that right now, so I should be looking for other kinds of "personal development" stuff like this. And of course it'd mean more money, and since our costs will shoot up when we buy this house, that would be especially welcome now.

But this obviously gives me a lot more work to do, in both the short- and long-term. Short-term I'd be much busier this week, of course. I have to prepare a session to facilitate for half an hour, on a random subject of my boss's choosing, as well as be, y'know, engaged with everything everyone is doing throughout the week, rather than just hanging out at the back daydreaming about how much I'm going to enjoy my weekend.

Longer-term, of course, this'd mean I'd be traveling across the country running this course. Or, as I immediately thought, perhaps more likely to fill in, definitely at first anyway, if someone's sick one day or something. I like the job I have now and would want being a trainer to supplement it, not take it over.

And it would be pretty long-term: After this upcoming week, I couldn't possibly be a trainer until May at the absolute earliest, and that'd be unlikely (considering that I'd be expecting to be last-minute cover); I'd almost certainly not be doing this until autumn, or possibly even next year.

Yet by the time I was on the bus home from work, I was already wondering if I'd made the right decision.

I hope not too much of that is because of the short-term considerations. I am and have been, since November or so, feeling particularly overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by the prospect of this week away even when I thought I wouldn't be very busy for it.

It's not by any means only work that's leaving me feeling overwhelmed, but work's one of the few things asking if I want to take more on, the rest of the world just seems to be demanding all I can give it, if not more. So even if the work offer would be more beneficial to me than some of the non-work demands, the work one's the easiest to say "no" to -- I don't think there would have been many negative repercussions if I'd said I didn't fancy it on Friday, and I don't even think there'd be a lot now if I told my co-workers I'd changed my mind after some thought.

And I'm particularly wary of agreeing to travel, even as an infrequent but regular part of my job. I'm conscious of how much the travel is wearing on me lately. It's not great for my mental health, it means nothing at home (from food shopping to dishes to buying more toothpaste to sorting out house-buying) is getting done for days at a time while I'm away, it's very hard on Andrew, it's even having a negative impact on my relationship with James.

But it's frustrating because possibly the single biggest thing my mental illness has taken away from me is the ability to judge things like this. If I'm dithering about whether I want to do something -- it can be as small as "go out tonight with friends" or even, when I'm really bad, "get dressed and leave the house" -- I don't know which narrative to follow. It could be argued that jollying myself along and pushing through will be better for me: I'll be happy I did it once I have, I'll be better off in some way. Or it could be argued that by giving in to sofa and pajamas (or whatever "not doing that thing" looks like, depending on what the thing is) I'm in tune with what my body and/or mind need, I'm pracicing good self-care. The more ambitious thing could seem masochistically foolish, or the easier thing may be construed the worst kind of poor character and laziness.

I can make either argument for pretty much anything -- at pretty much anything I've gone to, you can bet that I'd previously nearly convinced myself not to go. Somtimes I'm very glad to have done whatever-it-was, but I remember many times I've gotten home, kicked off my shoes and thought "well that was a waste of my time and efforts!" And of course I'm racked with guilt nearly every time I stay in, I'm worryingly incapable of enjoying indolence. So it feels like I can't win, sometimes, and there have been periods in my life where I'm sure I'd have better results deciding what to do by flipping a coin, rather than bothering with my careful deliberations that always seem to bring me to the wrong conclusion.

I really don't know what to do about next week now (which effectively atarts tomorrow evening, as I'm getting a lift to Stratford-upon-Avon, where we'll be spending the week). I have Yet Another Sinus Infection, which on top of previous and concurrent overwhelment means all I want to do is go to bed and stay there until something else seems like as good an idea as staying in bed now seems to me. This is no way to make a decision about my future career goals and skills.

Comments

[magister]

This sounds horribly familiar. I particularly recognise the quality of not feeling able to trust my own judgement - not knowing whether I have qualms about doing something because I'm incapable of it or because I just want to take the easy way out or because I'm scared that because I'll prove to be incapable, I'll let people down and cause extra work for them.

Horrible, isn't it?

Having said which, I think it's a job you'd do well . A lot of the feeling overwhelmed I suspect is from house buying - that's a short to medium term thing. Also, I suspect time of year plays a part - you and I are both of us not at our best in winter and it's not easy to look at oneself objectively and tell how much we're affected by a temporary factor like these - personally, it's also difficult to remember that there was ever a time when I didn't feel affected and what I was like then.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I thought of these points too, the house-buying and that it's winter. And I don't want stuff like that (or indeed how ill I've felt since Friday, and how much the lack of sleep is shredding my mind and my energy levels) to affect my decision too much because it seems so unfair and stupid.

But at the same time, I can only be the me I am now when the offer's there. And right now I don't even think all this dithering is going to matter much; I feel absolutely incapable of doing anything more now and if that doesn't change by tomorrow I won't even feel bad about turning it down.

We're planning to train some more trainers again next year, so right now I'm thinking I'll just do it then. I think it's a job I'll do well, too. But not yet.

[magister]

Sounds like it all makes sense. <3

[cosmolinguist]

That's especially good to hear, considering what I was saying before about not being able to trust my own judgment (or rather, not knowing which of my judgments to trust).

Now I'm thinking of explaining this to my two co-workers, about how I'm overwhelmed and haven't prepared any of the stuff I'd want to have for this week. The other new trainers have had a fortnight to prepare the half-hour sessions they're supposed to be facilitating, I've had two days (and I spent them being ill and busy). My boss will no doubt tell me "when I was in the army we had thirty-seconds' warning to do a ten-minute presentation...." Yeah, well maybe, but I didn't join the army!

So having to face stuff like that, it does help to know that you think I'm being sensible. :)

[magister]

Oh, definitely. If you don't feel up to it and know why, better to say so.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

A third option could be to say 'Not yet' and suggest doing the course after house-buying/moving etc is done.

Much sympathy with all the stress and busyness.

[cosmolinguist]

Yes, in talking about it with Andrew last night, this is what I actually want to do: I'm fine with becoming a trainer, but not right now. The plan is to run the train-the-trainer thing about this time next year, too, and since I'm not likely to actually do anything about it before then, I don't feel at all bad about postponing it until then.

[ultraruby.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I'm like that about going to things too. Even when it's a fun social thing I know I'll like with people I really get along with, half the time I'll talk myself out of going and end up sat on the sofa having convinced myself it's safer and better and healthier to stay in. At work I delight when meetings are cancelled or training sessions don't happen, not because of the events themselves but because of all the faff and thinking, the energy (or imagined energy) it'll take me to be there when right now I'm somewhere here, where here is a kind of duvet-whirl or soft generalised worry. More and more though I am making myself jump into stuff feet first - trying not to stop and think to much before my maybe becomes a yes and my yes is an actual real life thing. I went away on holiday last week and though it turned out that the (metaphorical) toothpaste remained very much unbought whilst I was away, the net effect for me and my life was very positive. I hope this training course turns out to be a good thing for you even if it feels like an awkward fit for your wider life/time just now.

[cosmolinguist]

I think it has turned out to be a good thing, thank you. And thanks as always for your thoughtful comments, and for reflecting some things that I think back to me, which helps a lot.