Actually "not enough introspection" for once!

[cosmolinguist]

D looked over at me and said "It's definitely past the point where your facial hair is longer than your head hair."

I smiled and said "Yeah the barbers are cutting my hair shorter for the summer." Indeed in the photo he'd taken of the three of us yesterday, I said exactly this: I forgot my hair was so short!

"That too," he said.

Because yes, some of the hairs of my wispy chinbeard are getting pretty long. I've noticed this myself because I do like to run my fingers over them, it's such a comforting stim.

I don't know why I'm in the habit of minimizing these transition-related things.

I think, maybe I just tell myself, I'm trying to let my body do what it's gonna do without judgment. Looming large in my mind are the transmascs I know online who've spent a lot of time looking at stuff on YouTube or Reddit or whatever and then being really miserable that their facial hair isn't growing in as quickly as X, or just being enmeshed in a culture of achievement and acquisition over some things that we have very little control over.

Sure you can do voice training and sure specific exercises are probably going to help the muscle groups that most quickly become more obvious. I don't mean "it's pointless to intervene" in any way. But it was a way of thinking that I didn't want anything to do with.

I understand people who are frustrated at not looking sufficiently like their target gender that they get misgendered all the time and stuff. Some of these guys dreaded grocery shopping or running errands or whatever because of how they'd inevitably be treated by strangers. I appreciate I'm privileged there because I can work remotely, rarely interact with strangers, and almost always get gendered correctly (the couple of times colleagues haven't managed it still stick with me, which is a testament to how rare they are).

When someone at trans gym was talking about starting hormones, someone else said "take lots of photos!" and the person said "I will" in a way that made this feel like it was already their plan. I had to wander away; I can't deal with this prospect myself. There's nothing wrong with making or sharing recordings or photos to see how your voice/body is changing over time, but such a methodical approach always repelled me personally. Of course it's not mandatory; there's never only one way to be trans. I think some of the guys I have seen being miserable online feel like this is required though, even when it leads to the kind of comparison that is the thief of joy.

But of course you see and hear about the people recording and sharing their progress. By definition, the kind that don't do that aren't perceptible in the same way.

I wonder if my avoidance of noting the tangible changes that I want and feel good about is maybe because I'm also feeling the weight of all the time that I was waiting to access HRT, when sometimes it was hard to read other people be joyous about the effects it was having on them.

Is it just magical thinking from my upbringing: if you seem too excited about something it might be taken away?

Is it something about my relationship with my body never having been all that positive because of its interactions with fatness and disability?

It's probably some of all of these.

Comments

random thought

[redbird]

Thought from a somewhat older cis person: "take lots of photos" seems to be a lot of people's default these days, including things like stopping to photograph their meals before starting to eat. Also my mother forwarding a baker's dozen photos taken at an event, rather than picking out the one or two she likes best.

Given that, I wonder whether that "take lots of photos" is a request to see photos that the person saying that assumes will of course exist.

Re: random thought

[cosmolinguist]

Could be! Trans gym is mostly organized on Instagram (where I am not so I don't know if these people would see each others photos there but it seems likely).

I seem to remember the context of this conversation being more about documenting the journey than sharing photos in a social way. But it was a little while ago so I don't trust my memory.

Thanks for this perspective anyway. <3

[sfred]

*nods and sends love*

[alithea]

I am amused by your playing with your chin hair stim because this is exactly why as a cis woman, I pluck my chin hairs. Because otherwise I sit in bed at night playing with it constantly while reading and then end up with a spotty chin 😆

[silveradept]

I wonder if your reluctance to share visual images of transition has to do with the possibility that someone might try to gatekeep that. You say rightly that there's never only one right way to be trans, but there are certainly narratives that are more accepted, and they probably don't have quite as many you in them.

[momentsmusicaux]

Even in my late 20s my beard hair wasn't thick enough to grow a terribly good beard.

And yes. Beard hair is very good for pondering with.

[cosmolinguist]

Good for getting peanut butter stuck in too, I learned the other day!

[momentsmusicaux]

Oh and candy floss is a nightmare. Has some for the first time with a beard the other week.

[cosmolinguist]

Luckily I can't stand the stuff anyway so that one isn't going to trouble me much. :)